Do you ever get stuck on trying to do something and then you can’t do anything else until it’s done, but then it never gets done and you realise that you never really had to do it in the first place?
No? Just me then…
I’ve been meaning to tell you about my second ketamine infusion by recording a video blog. I haven’t quite had the energy over the holidays and so anything else that bumbled across my mind that seemed worth blogging about got pushed aside into the “after the vlog” pile.
The day before yesterday was finally the day. I was feeling bloody awful as I’ve spent this past week muddling through a heap of seasonal flaring. I thought I’d be productive in spite of the pain and so I painted on a less blotchy face and sat down in front of the laptop.
Once there, I tried to figure out how to talk like a regular, comprehendible person. It took several takes before I got my vlogging mojo back and started to make sense. I really don’t spend a lot of time conversing these days. It can be hard to remember things like “joining thoughts together” and “stop talking when it’s not adding anything”. Eventually, I got it done.
I mean, I think I did. I couldn’t manage to watch all the footage play back at me. This isn’t one of those insecure, “my own voice on tape” things, it was just because the whole damn lot of it recorded with the audio out of sync. I have no idea why. So, naturally, I gave up and let the delete button have its way.
I suspect that there is no why. I think this is just the fates mocking me for my silly little “nothing happens until after this vlog” stunt. If I tried to record something now, it would probably work just fine.
But I am done with that. There will be no vlog! Haha! Take that, mind block. Look, I’m just going to straight out tell you what happened in, like, a few paragraphs or something. Read on, sucker!
In my last post (before the mind block), I mentioned that I started seeing a new pain specialist who was willing to try another ketamine infusion with me. I went in for a five day infusion in October last year.
The whole experience was a completely different one to that horrible infusion that I endured a few years ago. It was only half as long and the drug was administered much more slowly than the first time around. I didn’t have any crazy hallucinations or nights of ridiculous nausea to get through. I was mostly fine, other than feeling a bit out of it because of being on drugs and all.
My pain levels dropped slowly but steadily. By the third day, I was a few points down on the pain scale. I then had a second drug added, this one was lignocaine and went for 12 hours, in a separate infusion point to the ketamine. While both drugs were running, the pain dropped to the lowest I have felt in years. It was both utterly amazing because of the relief, but also incredibly shocking because I could clearly realise just how much pain I deal with on a daily basis. It’s….a lot.
Following the infusion, I didn’t have any of the almost immediate, painful reactions that I had the first time around. I remained really calm. My pain levels were low, even though stormy weather had my hands and feet swelling and sweating like they do in a full flare. That was one of the strangest things, to feel the symptoms of a flare without the all consuming pain that usually overpowers my perception of them.
I spent about a week resting and recovering. My pain levels fluctuated a lot during that time and it was hard to tell if the ketamine was going to provide any lasting relief.
Soon enough, I was able to start moving around and building strength again. I was pleased to discover that my general level of pain was about 2 points lighter than before the infusion. This might not sound like much, however, for me it was the difference between never being able to do anything and being able to walk/cook/drive in small but useful amounts.
I put all of my pain rehabilitation training into effect and paced out my activities throughout the days, slowly attempting to improve and increase what I was doing. As well as a slightly lower pain level, I found that I needed less recovery after activities than before the infusion. Instead of going for a walk and then being stuffed for a week, I could go for a walk, rest the next day and then go for another the day after that.
I’ve continued working each day and doing what I can to improve my strength. My abilities started to decline a little around NYE and I have been dealing with increased flaring since then. I think that this has little to do with how I am managing and a lot to do with the Melbourne weather being unable to decide whether it’s going to do Summer or not.
Even though I am back in a bit of a flaring rut, I am still feeling positive. My mood has been surprisingly stable since the infusion. I found a lot of clarity in feeling the pain melt away whilst on ketamine. Living with a high level of pain all the time can get confusing and sometimes, even I start to wonder if it’s really as bad as it feels. Having the pain relieved for a bit and then returned gave me a really clear perception of just how much I am usually dealing with. All of a sudden, I was able to be a little bit easier on myself for not having achieved anything in the past few years other than survival.
It’s only about three weeks until I will go in for another 5 day infusion. Knowing that there is relief up ahead is making coping with the recent bout of flares a lot easier. There is the possibility that the next infusion will have a cumulative effect on the first and bring me even more relief, which is what I’m hoping for. However, even if the pain relief is not lasting, just knowing that I can go and have a little break from the battle I fight 24/7 creates a kind of mental relief that is well worth going to hospital for.
And so, there you have it. Ketamine infusion the second: described. Mind block: demolished. Achievement unlocked!
I can officially blog about whatever I want, whenever my hands will let me, PHEW!
Love & The Art of Observing Your Own Crazy,