Warning: Handle With Kid Gloves.

Dear Audy,

My, what a crappy start to the new year. I have been so stressed out that it has lead to me being curled up in a stress ball, crying, too many times. I’m ever so grateful to have two little furballs to do that with, along with one big, helpful, less furry more manly fellow.

20100105 Me & Puppies

The past six months have been full of upset and instability. I keep trying to fight my way up and I keep getting knocked back down again by stressor after stressor after stressor. My ex-employer has made terminating my position a confusing and drawn out process. My faith in my doctor and along with that my hope for recovery has taken a battering. A close friend simply stopped speaking to me for no apparent reason and I feel weak for letting that hurt me as much as it has, when I am lucky enough to have amazing friends who do make my life a million times better. My body is flaring all over, on a daily basis and I feel as though if I get one thing done, then I pay for it for days, if not weeks. I feel like I don’t even know where I am, let alone where I’m heading, or how the Hell to get there. I’m racking my brain but I can’t seem to find the tools for consistent, rational thought.

I have no energy for socialising, even though I am lonely. I can’t find the words to reply to emails and messages, even though I am grateful to receive them. I can barely keep up with the hours in the day, let alone the lives of the people I care about, whose facebook updates fly by so fast that I barely get a peek. I miss reading your blog updates in real time, rather than weeks later.

People have often asked me how I can go through what I go through and still be ok. The truth is, right now, I’m not ok. I’m really not ok at all, but I’m still trying. Don’t be fooled by my tears, it’s all gotta come out somewhere, right? Especially with a body that is pretty much incapable of cardio. God, I miss a racing pulse and heaving chest. The exercise kind…filthpot.

I’m still trying.

I can’t always explain this stuff when we’re face to face, or even screen to screen. Please know that I am incredibly grateful that you to take the time to read this at all. There is a general assumption that bloggers are fame or money seekers. That’s not why I do it at all. I write because if I tried to explain this to your face then your face would crumple with sadness, making me sadder and our time together less enjoyable. I hate that. I’d rather tell you the truth here, when I see you I’d like to smile and have a good time. I write because I suffer from a poorly understood, complicated condition. If I don’t share my story, who will? I don’t believe in hiding just because things aren’t sunshine and roses. Bear with me, Audy, bear with me and we might get back to summer gardening yet.

Here’s to trying this whole New Year/New Decade/Twenty Ten thing again.

In February.

Much Love,
Caf

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  • 5 thoughts on “Warning: Handle With Kid Gloves.

    1. Jen

      Babe, if i wasnt under the influence of heavy pain meds i would jump in my car (actually i would have to reconnect the battery first because its sat there for months on end, and it flattened but we figured after charging it….. it will only become flat again..) ANYWAY i would jump in my car after reconnecting the battery and come give you a big HUG! I feel the same way you do right now except i dont have the bf to give me a hug and tell me it will all be ok. I feel like my friends are misjudging whats happening in my life because apart from always being on or off crutches, pain meds and like you nothing to kineathicly feel or see whats wrong apart from a limp. Nobody but ourselves can understand what we’re going through but ourselves, and they can only see through a small window when we express these feelings. As ive said before you do such a wonderful job of writing the words that i feel too, and its something i find comforting that someone else knows a similar pain.
      Ive spent the better part of 3 and a bit years seeing doctor after doctor. I recently felt the dissapointment from a doctor after he told me he could do no more and sent me to see our mutual doctor (and even more recently, decided he could help by operating).
      I too spend all my day doing things that dont mean that much, and live in fear of simple activities that can cause days and weeks of pain.
      I too am lonely. The most interaction i get is over the freakin internet!

      This reply seems like a ME ME ME ME allabout Me reply however YOU are not alone babe. Im so glad i got the opportunity to meet you, and i know your not just a pretty internet face. I feel as if i understand you, and you understand me. You are never alone, with me you can always text, call, tweet or visit anytime. even if its to tell you it will be ok.

    2. Megan Lucas

      Hi Hayley,

      I know that we only know each other from school, and were never really friends, but I often read your blogs and find you to be very inspiring. Your honesty and courage to stand up for yourself, and for others, is amazing. From reading others comments on your page, you are someone who other people suffering from the same condition can look up to. I feel sad for you knowing that you are in such great pain, for no good reason. I can imagine that to have the pain and know the cause would be tolerable and manageable, but to have this pain and not know why must be unbearable. I know it probably doesn’t mean much, but I am a nurse and have a good understanding of pain. I know most of what I know about your condition from reading your blogs. It came in handy the other day when we had a patient with the same condition and I had to explain to a few nurses what it was!
      I hope that someday soon you will be free from pain and can live a normal life. You don’t deserve to suffer the way that you are.
      Keep your head up, just keep breathing and you will make it through to the light at the end of the tunnel.

      Thankyou for telling your story,

      Megan

    3. Maria (Tough Cookie)

      I am so sorry you are suffering right now. We all go through these rough patches with this illness. I think it is important to remind yourself that if these conditions aren’t changing, it is very important to change how you react to them in order to save your sanity. Everything effects this illness, diet, stress, negative thoughts. It will become a vicious cycle. I know it is difficult, but you can do this.

      Praying for you xoxo

    4. Kirsti

      Hayley, my love. I do hope you feel better soon, and never forget that you have the love of two wonderful doggies, an awesome man, and all your friends behind you.

      I know I am further away now, but hopefully soon I can catch up with you whether it’s there or here. We’ve just been settling in and sorting everything out.

      Thinking of you always
      Kirsti xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

    5. Tracey

      I really hope things get much, much better for you soon!! Here’s to an awesome decade ahead!!

      You remind me how grateful we all should be for the doggy and manly support and companionship we have in our lives.

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