My, what a crappy start to the new year. I have been so stressed out that it has lead to me being curled up in a stress ball, crying, too many times. I’m ever so grateful to have two little furballs to do that with, along with one big, helpful, less furry more manly fellow.
The past six months have been full of upset and instability. I keep trying to fight my way up and I keep getting knocked back down again by stressor after stressor after stressor. My ex-employer has made terminating my position a confusing and drawn out process. My faith in my doctor and along with that my hope for recovery has taken a battering. A close friend simply stopped speaking to me for no apparent reason and I feel weak for letting that hurt me as much as it has, when I am lucky enough to have amazing friends who do make my life a million times better. My body is flaring all over, on a daily basis and I feel as though if I get one thing done, then I pay for it for days, if not weeks. I feel like I don’t even know where I am, let alone where I’m heading, or how the Hell to get there. I’m racking my brain but I can’t seem to find the tools for consistent, rational thought.
I have no energy for socialising, even though I am lonely. I can’t find the words to reply to emails and messages, even though I am grateful to receive them. I can barely keep up with the hours in the day, let alone the lives of the people I care about, whose facebook updates fly by so fast that I barely get a peek. I miss reading your blog updates in real time, rather than weeks later.
People have often asked me how I can go through what I go through and still be ok. The truth is, right now, I’m not ok. I’m really not ok at all, but I’m still trying. Don’t be fooled by my tears, it’s all gotta come out somewhere, right? Especially with a body that is pretty much incapable of cardio. God, I miss a racing pulse and heaving chest. The exercise kind…filthpot.
I’m still trying.
I can’t always explain this stuff when we’re face to face, or even screen to screen. Please know that I am incredibly grateful that you to take the time to read this at all. There is a general assumption that bloggers are fame or money seekers. That’s not why I do it at all. I write because if I tried to explain this to your face then your face would crumple with sadness, making me sadder and our time together less enjoyable. I hate that. I’d rather tell you the truth here, when I see you I’d like to smile and have a good time. I write because I suffer from a poorly understood, complicated condition. If I don’t share my story, who will? I don’t believe in hiding just because things aren’t sunshine and roses. Bear with me, Audy, bear with me and we might get back to summer gardening yet.
Here’s to trying this whole New Year/New Decade/Twenty Ten thing again.