I’m trying to keep my chin up, which is difficult because of how damn sore it is.
The great “Can’t Speak at All” drama lasted for a month or so, finally easing a little after a couple of weeks on muscle relaxants and anti-inflammatories. I immediately contracted the evil snot plague of ’13 and began to wonder if a sinus bug had influenced the extreme jamming up of my face hole. Which, it might have, however I’ve now received results from a scan that suggest the sinus trouble was just an added bonus. The new results suggest that I have arthritis. In my face.
It will be a few weeks before I can see a specialist and find out if anything can be done to fix it. I have to focus all of my hoping on the chance that there will be. My current symptoms are crazy hard to bear.
I miss smiling. I miss singing. I miss crunchy foods. I miss saying things that are just for fun, just because I want to say them. I miss making jokes and I miss laughing.
This guy helps.
Since coming off the extra meds, the jaw pain has been slowly growing with every attempt that I make to return to a life of conversations and laughter.
I can speak, however the amount of talking that I can endure seems to be declining again. I had a go at attending a small group catch up on Tues, which promptly led to a big fat swollen face that evening and the next day. It seems that talking to more than one person is more than I can cope with, which kind of rules out those vague hopes I’d been harbouring about some sort of group celebration party thing for my birthday. Sigh.
I was too unwell to celebrate my 30th last year and then I was sad about that fact. It has continued to sting me for much of the time since then. It was one of those milestone birthdays and I just missed it. I miss out on so much of life due to chronic pain and having that extend to the one and only celebration day that’s just mine to feel special on is like being kicked over and over again while I bleed out in the gutter.
I can logically recognise that this is a childish/unimportant thing to get upset about every time that the upset appears in my mind, but I haven’t found a way to make peace with it just yet.
I miss gathering friends together for a good time. I miss my old friends. I miss good times. It’s so much harder to move on with life and accept changing friendship dynamics when others move on to jobs and families and I move onto my next doctor’s appointment.
But we mustn’t dwell…not on Rex Manning day!*
And so, I will wait to find out more about my malfunctioning jaw and I shall try not to spend that time wallowing.
I will wait out the back spasms that have agonisingly crippled me for the past 40-ish hours, despite all of my efforts to warm up beforehand and then move carefully in order to do some laundry yesterday.
Sometimes, things just collapse and it’s not because a person didn’t take the best care that they could. I have to emphasise this point because I get so very tired of people asking “What have you done to yourself?” (which is blame disguised as a question) and telling me that I “need to be careful” (which is an assumption that I have not been being careful). There’s no need for the blame, a simple “What happened to you?” can get to the same answers without scraping my nerves.
I will wait. I will hope as much as I can. I will feel ok at times and cry a lot at others. I will write when my thumbs will allow it. I will keep trying to find better ways of coping.
I will keep trying.
Love & Squints that count as smiles,
*Things are always brighter when you can fit in an Empire Records quote.