Vehemently Hoping

Dear Audy,

Hope seeps through troubles and triumphs, sprinkled sparsely sometimes and occasionally overflowing.

I’ve held it in my weakened grasp throughout this past week. Slowly, ever so slowly, I was able to get some movement happening through my pelvis. The spazzy muscles began to let go and a visit to the Osteopath on Wednesday helped to speed along the skeletal straightening.

Hope has its own plans to live, to harness Hope, then one must give.


Oh really, body? OH REALLY, EYEBROWS?!

I’m well aware of the ability that inactivity has to worsen an injury, hidden under the disguise of helping. I’ve tried to be proactive in getting through this setback. As I started to get some movement back, I gently worked in some Feldenkrais and attempted a short walk.

It was a four song walk. Lisa Mitchell is lovely to listen to on a sunny stroll. I moved carefully, focusing on my posture and breathing. I made it maybe 100m from home and back. Likely it was slightly less than that, I don’t know, I’m not a tape measure, all I know about lengths is that songs have them.

I then lay down in the most comfortable, cushioned position for a rest, just like the pacing princess I was striving to be.

An hour later, things weren’t improving as expected after gentle movement and rest. I really should know better than to go expecting things, however that’s kind of like saying I should know better than to have Hope and if I think about that little conundrum for too long then my eyeballs start to spin.

A little courage, a little faith, some little thoughts to be replaced. Hope can grow in a tired soul, if nurtured there by one hopefully bold.

Twenty four hours later, I still haven’t recovered from my stroll. I passengered in to pick up my expensive replacement dog chew toy mouth splint this morning. Being in the car was rather torturous and then sitting in the waiting room was not possible.

There is, handily, a couch in that waiting room but there was this stupid bitch totally taking up the whole thing lovely woman who was there first and in no way existing just to be in my way.

With the dentist running late and me not being able to sit to wait, I wandered a very short distance to a nearby coffee shop. There I did my waiting instead, because I arrived behind not one but two precocious cows buying elaborate coffees for every stupid bitch in town There I was served by a very nice lady who was cheerfully doing her best and who brewed a delicious cup.

Then I bought a regret cookie. A delicious, slow-poison laden, circular mound of sweet indulgence. Mmmm, breakfasty, sugary regret.

This is a common side effect of too much time in a symptom and life setbacks blender. Paleo eating is the best way I have found to fuel my body, but when I can’t shop and/or cook, I have to make allowances. They are frustrating compromises and aren’t often cookies, but when it comes down to eating something processed or not at all then I have to hang up my idealist pashmina and stick on the old reality cap.

If only indulging in sugar wasn’t actually the feeding of an addiction. Sticky in more ways than one.

Cycles are so vicious sometimes! We should ban that. All cycles need some intense anger management.

I wish I could afford people to shop and cook for me, eating well really does help me so much. Alas, I cannot.

I wish I could plan and cook my own meals, all of the time. Alas, I cannot.

Currently, the pain is severe, like there are a bunch of bolts screwed into my pelvis. As well as a nice big one in the middle of my lower back. My central sensitisation seems to be amplifying things because this pain is more excruciating than during the lock up, before muscles started to move again.

I’m back on the bed, hanging out with the Hope that I grew earlier and my fluffy white canine knight.

Hopefully this pain is healing pain.

Hopefully resting will help this time.

I need to get pretty and go out tonight. Because family celebrations wait for no sister.

Hopefully I’ll be able to sit up.

Hopefully resting will help this time.

Love & Some sort of elusive feeling that things will work out OK,

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  • 6 thoughts on “Vehemently Hoping

    1. Sarah

      Hayley you write with such strong narrative…its amazing to read but I have to keep reminding myself its your life not a novel. You remind me not to take for granted the day to day easiness I have in being able to move around. In exploring hope I think that in life we have to live in the fluid space between hopelessness and hopefulness and that it doesn’t just change day to day but moment to moment. I guess your hopes are different than mine but I do hope that some parts of your day get easier, soon.

      1. Hayley Cafarella Post author

        Thank you so much, Sarah! It makes me very happy to think of people appreciating things as simple as moving, usually it’s not until they’ve actually lost that themselves that they can appreciate what they’ve got and it’s nice to know that by sharing, I can help others to appreciate. I know that I definitely have a different perspective on things since having to deal with CRPS and much of what I’ve learnt would have been useful in my former life. Thanks for your support, the days are starting to feel more easy to handle :) x

      1. Hayley Cafarella Post author

        Thanks, Jackie! I made it out, wasn’t able to handle much conversation but sometimes all we can do is show up 😉 x

    2. Ross

      Sorry your feeling so under the weather! Hang in there! I’m dealing with some intense pain myself right now. Where my battery is placed in my back I’m getting really intense pain to the point where I can’t even sit at times. So on Wed the surgeon is going to give me an injectiom

      1. Hayley Cafarella Post author

        Hi, Ross! I’m so sorry to hear that the stimulator is giving you such grief. Sending much hope that the surgeon is able to sort things out for you. x

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