Tripping Out & The Tumult Of Turning Things Around

Dear Audy,

I have been far too sad lately, but this shall not be a sad post. I have been lamenting the life I used to have with working legs and party kegs (ok, that was just fun to rhyme…beer is gross). I have been wading through the days feeling so oppressed by my pain and situation that I’ve not been taking pride in anything or enjoying any of it…SNAP OUT OF IT, CAF!

I like the me that finds new things to entertain me and finds contentment in the things I can do, without being dragged down by wanting to do the things I can’t. The truth is, this week I am doing pretty well. I have been getting up each day, getting through a few chores, communicating (a little) and trying to get a bit of creativity in too. I have to accept that my body doesn’t let me get through a lot all at once, so I’ve been breaking things down. I’ve been getting more pro-active about the rehab activities I can do at home, rather than getting frustrated that I can’t get to the hydro pool when I want to or that flares stop me doing as much as I’d like. I’ve been practising Feldenkrais using audio tracks…I hope to explain more about this activity in future posts…I have been planning future posts! Things that I want to communicate… it might seem small but even wanting to communicate can be a break through when you’re stuck in a funk. I’ve been enjoying Vito’s company and getting some sun, I’m going to miss his doggy cuddles lots when he goes home! Reading outside won’t be the same without this in my face…

20091004 Vito Head sml

I’ve been replying to people that have waited long enough to hear from me, I appreciate all of your lovely words, I just get overwhelmed! I’m yet to tackle that growing number hovering over my Facebook inbox…that number keeps scaring me off! I know I’ll only find nice things in there…but sometimes I have to muster up a lot of strength and focus to even be able to take nice things in and even more to reply at the same time. I don’t like to half read personal messages and get frustrated if I can’t give them the attention they deserve…I find it pretty odd that I am writing about replying to social emails and keeping up to date with social network sites as though this is a job and work that I must complete…it’s as though not being able to go to real work has caused me to create this little sense of ‘internet work’…yet I don’t consider being friendly work…perhaps it is simply because both concentration and typing are things that involve a huge effort from me? Oh Audy, I didn’t mean to call you work…I love you…sometimes the modern world just weirds me out! I mean really, I write this, post it & anyone in the world can read it if they choose to? Trippy. Sometimes things trip me out and it causes rambling.

* * * *

Ok, now that I’m done tripping out over the internet (honestly, you should try living with my brain, part of it is still 5 years old and likes to contribute a lot), I’m gonna get on with things. I’ve said it before but Rellacafa needs a new look! I’ve gotta get started on that, choose me a new layout and what not. I also still have that bag to make on the days my body says sewing is ok. I’ve been playing my new friend, Finkleton, who I will introduce you to sometime…rereading? Yes, I did write ‘playing my new friend’, Finkleton is a keyboard and I’m practising in small bursts to try and help my brain remember where my hands and fingers are, hopefully clear up a little bit of the smudging that’s happening with its perception of what is and is not painful. Music rehab is fun! I wish I could play for longer and remembered more of my childhood lessons…but I remember enough for what my hands can handle at this stage, so, woot!

I thought I’d blog today because I am so sick of being bummed out and really struggling to deal with it. Writing and blogging are a huge part of how I deal. I don’t want to bring you down, so I’m forced to recognise the good that happens to me and that I make happen and not let it get hidden amongst the bad that I can’t control. Basically I sat down here to ramble until I felt better…it totally worked! I can feel much more positivity flowing through this post than the last, I hope to make the next happier still, I will work my way out of this depression a day at a time…because laying in it and imagining myself helpless sure isn’t good times!

Love & Gratitude,

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  • 3 thoughts on “Tripping Out & The Tumult Of Turning Things Around

    1. Maria (Tough Cookie)

      Hey, caf! I actually read Jon-Kabat-Zinn’s book on mindfulness (he discovered the idea) 2 years ago. It’s kind of the size of a bible and tells you the same thing that googling it would! But he is a genius. I personally use the idea with my clients in and out of their groups. They struggle with it, too, like we all do (I work with the mentally ill and chemically addicted). So happy you have found a doctor you like!

    2. Maria (Tough Cookie)

      Deciding you want to be a happy is a great start because then you can take action. I often tell my clients, admitting there is an issue to be worked on is the first step to working on it. It’s a common view in the mental health field, but it is a crucial one… and many accolades are given for it. Self-awareness is a real gift. Just think, this is the day that you have decided to be happy again!!!! Now, what tools do you plan on using? You go, girl!! I’m in your corner!

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