Has it really been almost a month since I twisted my pelvis? Holy guacamole. All in all, it’s been a pretty terrible month.
I feel like somebody mistook my brain for a jigsaw in production, sliced it up and now I am struggling to put the pieces back together properly. The extra medication for my pelvis pain, that, of course, became full back, neck, shoulders and knee pain, has left me more scattered than usual. It’s made it extra difficult to deal with the fact that my employer decided to terminate my employment on December 15th. Yes, after twenty-two months on leave, they decided to terminate me ten days before Christmas. The good news is that I will still be covered by the income protection insurance, however they will need to transfer me to being an independent client, so, of course, they aren’t going to do that over Christmas. I’ll also need paperwork filled in by my doctor, who will be on leave over the holidays, like anyone who can afford to be will be. What that all amounts to is that Caf is very poor right now and that makes the stress of Christmas a bajillion times worse. How frustrating that, at twenty seven years of age, I must ask my parents for money to buy them presents with. It doesn’t matter how many legitimate reasons there are that I am in the position that I am in, needing to ask for money is always humiliating.
There are many reasons that I am upset about being fired, despite the fact that I have not actually been able to work in so long. The first is that I didn’t find any medical treatment that helped me show any improvement until six months ago (the pain rehabilitation). Since then, I am able to walk much further and more frequently, drive in short periods and handle my flares more effectively, even with the extra setbacks. I hoped that with another six months work, I might be well enough to return to work. The second reason that I am upset is that my doctor did not put this on the work form, only on the Centrelink form and so my employer did not have this information. The third reason is that I asked my pain specialist for a letter explaining my condition and was refused. He told me that the employer would have to formally request and pay for that, a system which it seems it is not mandatory that they follow, therefore the only loser is the patient. The fourth and most stressful reason that I am upset is that I am very concerned for my financial future. Had I been able to return to my former position, the company would have accommodated me with a return to work plan. I am concerned that no employer is going to hire somebody who needs to ease into the situation, when there are so many healthy people looking for work. I don’t care that equal opportunity is supposed to exist. Like anything, that’s on paper, equal opportunity exists on paper but in the real world it’s pretty easy to make up a different reason why another candidate is being successful over a disabled one.
I am trying to look forward and there is so much black smog in the way that I have no idea what’s coming up. All I can focus on is trying to get healthy and not hurt myself further, the same as always. The difference is that I was working toward returning to work, now I feel like I am working toward going nowhere. I know that that’s not true, I will find a use for myself, however when pain has returned me to not being able to cook and clean for myself, it’s hard to imagine that I will ever be able to do much of anything. I hate feeling negative, I’m just struggling to find a purpose and to accept my limitations. I’ll get there, sometimes we have to work through emotions and can’t just arrive at the point of acceptance that we know we’re headed to.
I’ve managed to squeeze out this here blog post and I hope to get back to writing the story I started for NaNoWriMo this week. I have spent a little time with old friends, the kind that I don’t need a social mask for and that has helped. It’s nice to have friends that will let me lay on their couch for hours because I am sick of laying on my own, especially after the morning has passed, along with the time during which I make sense. I’ve had to turn down a lot of invitations this month, too much pain and confusion to handle social events, even the relaxed birthday bbq of a fellow painy (which I was very sorry to miss). I am trying not to be upset by needing to take time out to try and deal with my life, I am not winning all the time but at least I am not giving in.
One truly awesome thing has happened that is making coping easier. Two little doggy angels have come into my life and brought a lot of cuddles with them. It’s strange that, not long ago, I told my prince that I thought I should adopt an adult dog because I missed having canine company and thought a puppy might be too much work. My wish came true all on its own and Sam and Lucy both arrived via family and friends, needing a place to stay. They are both adorable, little sweethearts and get along marvellously, considering they haven’t known each other long. It’s fun watching them play, their little tails go nuts!
They both have a lot to say, so if you’re following me on Twitter, you should probably expect a few updates from them. Yes, they can operate iPhone, it is that good.
Love & Seasons Survival,