The Road To Change: The Guilt Bypass

Jul 22, 2012 by

Dear Audy,

The iron ball of expectation that I wrote about in my last post was holding me back more than I even realised. I needed to describe it like that, to give it shape so that I could start moving past it. It’s easy to become overwhelmed when there seem to be an incredible amount of things that need to be done and health isn’t playing along. It’s easy to not do anything because we can’t do everything.

Easy in the present, however, doing nothing rarely creates an easy future.

I need to extend myself into that realm of difficult that lies just past comfortable on the road to change.

I have learned a lot of coping skills over the years I have spent living with chronic pain. However, I have not learned all the coping skills. Challenges still knock me about on a regular basis. Setbacks still get me down. Upset and Anger still creep into my life despite my understanding that they never really need to be there.

They never really are there, you see. They’re just perceptions, like everything else. The most wonderful human magic that I know of is the ability to completely change our mood, outlook and even limitations by changing our views about them.

The how is the difficult part.

You know how, sometimes, messages seem to arrive in just the right way, through just the right vessel, at just the right time that we need them? Almost as if they couldn’t have existed until we were ready to receive them?

When I first read The Joy Of Living by Yongey Mingur Rinpoche, I felt like that. I babbled about it a little during a YouTube video back in 2010. The style of writing, the content, the perspectives that I hadn’t considered (on just about everything) resonated in a way that I hadn’t experienced before. I came away from the first reading feeling like this smiley monk was the wisest person on the planet.

Several times, I re-read the book, in parts and as a whole. There were so many things to work on, approaches to remember, sparks of wisdom to chase. That little book contained more psychologically helpful information than any textbook that I’d ever read that had a Western perspective on the mind and body.

I purchased Joyful Wisdom, the follow up book, a couple of years ago. I even read it and thought it as clever, if not quite as inspirational as The Joy Of Living. I was quite wrong. The book doesn’t lack helpful insight, I just wasn’t ready for that level of psychological development back then.

Recently, I realised that I was not coping. I was feeling upset and angry and I needed to focus on calming my mind and body before life spiralled completely out of my grasp. Some of this was being influenced by the physical and emotional challenges of taking on Scenar treatments (which is like a whole lot of new stuff going on in my body aside from just pain) and some by the limited scope of what I had learned to cope with. I’d learned to live with a lot, to not be rattled by a lot of things, but I still have perceived limits. I needed to step up my game in order to get through bigger and more rewarding challenges.

So, I went back to the wisdom of my favourite monk. I picked up Joyful Wisdom once more and settled into a hot bath. I began to read. Then I began to gape a little. Then, I sort of looked around the room like I was being watched.



Because, the first few pages described exactly what I was feeling. In terms of having learnt to cope somewhat, learnt to know my mind somewhat, learnt to moderate my emotions somewhat…but still coming up short when faced with some challenges. The book welcomed me and my insecurities. “This is where you’re at?” it said, “Well, you’ve come to the right book. I have much to tell you, young grasshopper”.

(There is little distinction in my mind between Yongey Mingyur Rinpoche and Mr Miyagi. It’s a wise teacher thing, not a race thing.)

At 80 pages into a re-read, I am experiencing the thrill of realisation that I felt during The Joy Of Living. I’m ready for this book now. I’m ready for these lessons. I need them.

I recognise thoughts as thoughts and feelings as the products of thoughts, however I need to go further into my beliefs, preconceptions and perspectives in order to break through to a point of control, rather than just understanding.

Parts of me are still holding me back. That’s how I ended up shackled to an iron ball and trying desperately to fly away, without wings or Astro Boy boots. That’s how I ended up too confused to even blog most of the time. I almost forgot how much this writing helps me to sort through my head for weak spots and ways to deal.

I felt guilty about putting time into a blog post, instead of whatever responsibility I felt that I should be working on. Yet, I wasn’t quite capable of those other tasks and so, a lot of the time, I ended up doing nothing but get anxious and frustrated. Who knows? If I’d written through my feelings, I might have been able to move on to other things with a clear head.

We live and we learn, we do.

I will not let guilt stop me from writing anymore. I will continue to do what I can do, when I can do it. I will continue to foster space in which I can grow and expand the scope of the things that I can do. I will not feel guilty because I feel like I should be replying to people or writing something on a bigger scale than a personal blog post.

Guilt is a hindrance. I am choosing to believe that it’s OK to focus on me and what I need to do for a while, rather than the things that I’d like to do for other people.

I promise, it doesn’t mean that I love you any less.

Love & Boundaries,
Caf

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    10 Comments

    1. Emmie Dark
      July 22, 2012

      I’m so glad you found (or re-found) a book that spoke to you. I just spent the morning cleaning out my office. I have thrown so much stuff out — so much paper. Unfortunately, I can’t go throw it in the rubbish bin, because I’ll need to arrange for it to be shredded or some such secure-style recycling. I wish I could though — I really want the catharsis of tossing it finally, finally away, instead of just in a box ready to toss.

      As I was cleaning, I was reminded of your last post about the ball and chain. My office has not been feeling like a “productive” space to me recently. And now I realise it was because of all the clutter. All the pages and pages building up around me that I didn’t need.

      It’s not quite the same thing, but cleaning my office has helped clean my mind a little. And it’s made me hungry to do more. (There’s a cupboard in my bedroom that’s a total mess – I wish I had the energy left to tackle it today, but I don’t.)

      Here’s hoping that your little mental clean up leaves you hungry for more too.

      • Hayley Cafarella
        August 7, 2012

        Throwing stuff out is the bestest! Digitally and real worldy. Whenever I get that feeling like I might need to hoard something, I remind myself that if I don’t get rid of the old stuff, then I won’t have any room to welcome in new stuff. It’s been working a treat so far! :)

    2. Della
      July 22, 2012

      Please don’t ever stop blogging! I think that I have mentioned you and your blog to people around me more than any other single online contact. You have a way of putting in to words so many things that I cannot, about RSD. I was just telling my sister-in-law tonight how I think you are an important voice online in helping people understand RSD. You have a gift for putting it all into clear and understandable words. Your blogging doesn’t only help you!

      On a slightly different note, have you ever been prescribed, or just learned about low-dose Naltrexone? I finally found a doctor willing to let me give it a try. After just over a week of taking it, I am so excited about it that I have to rein myself in. Speaking of boundaries, I’ve always pushed my boundaries with RSD, but they’ve always been so very tight and unwilling to budge much. The other meds I’m on have allowed me to regain some hope and have a somewhat better quality of life, but they’ve never allowed me to push those boundaries back to anywhere near normal. LDN is giving me hope of pushing my boundaries way farther out than they’ve been in many years. One small example – last night and today I’ve been wearing a pair of sandals that I’ve owned for more than a year, but have never been able to wear. They fit me perfectly, but hit just the wrong spot on my big toe, and the smoothness of the leather inside has made my foot feel like it was melting to the shoe. Before today I have only been able to bear wearing them for a few minutes before giving up and going back to some other shoes that I knew I could stand. Right now I hardly want to take them off, because it’s such a miracle that I can wear them. That is just one of the many little (but big to me) changes that I’ve been noticing. I’ve been told that it will take 3 or 4 months to know just how much this medicine will (or won’t) help. My hopes are flying so high that it scares me.

      Sorry for writing such a long comment, but wanted to share this excitement.
      Hugs and high hopes,
      Della

      • Hayley Cafarella
        August 7, 2012

        Thanks so much for your kind words, Della! I am very pleased to hear that you are having so much relief from Naltrexone, I’ve never heard of that before. Which family of medicines does it hang out with? It’s so wonderful when something works! I don’t like to look to meds as a long term solution but they are invaluable in allowing enough relief that you can start doing more and then the doing more starts to help the healing process too. I’d love to get off the ones I still take, but I’m not in a rush to do it before my body’s ready.

        Thanks for sharing your excitement!!! xoxo

    3. Blake Watson
      July 24, 2012

      Agreed. Don’t stop writing these insightful entries. Reading your self-analyses are not only interesting, but inspire me to consider my own situation, thoughts, etc. So thanks for that.

      • Hayley Cafarella
        August 7, 2012

        Thanks, Blake! I love that blogging can take an exercise that helps me (writing) and allow it to help others, technology is the best! :)

    4. Ross
      July 28, 2012

      Sorry I haven’t touched base in a bit but things have been super busy! You are such a great voice for CRPS! It sounds like this book is something I need to read. In so many ways I still hit so many roadblocks and it sounds like this book has a real welcoming quality to it!

      • Hayley Cafarella
        August 7, 2012

        Hi, Ross! No hard feelings at all, I have been very out of touch in recent months also. Trying to get a better routine happening – but we know what CRPS loves to do to routine.. ;P I am still loving this book, it’s wonderful to have found an author that I connect with as I’ve read so many similar things that just didn’t speak to me at all. I figure we can never have too many tools for coping so I’m trying to read ALL the books ;D

        I understand that you are vacationing right about now and wish you the very best time with your family!! x

    5. Pauline Vetuna
      August 3, 2012

      Wonderful, as always. Adding both books to a gift list for a friend now facing a life of chronic illness, and to my own personal reading list.

      You have a remarkable gift for explaining your own thought processes as you navigate the difficult and ever changing terrain of living with a chronic illness – thankyou for providing valuable information along the way. What I appreciate the most is your ability to be so open about the times when you are not coping as well as you would like, and then, crucially, articulating how you are working to overcome this.

      So many people beat themselves up when this happens… but really, faltering is simply part of being HUMAN. It happens, and happens more frequently when you are dealing with a condition that makes everyday things epically taxing. I would urge everyone facing similar circumstances to be gentle with themselves.

      Continue to do what you can, when you can – you’re brilliant. My respect and gratitude.

      • Hayley Cafarella
        August 7, 2012

        Thanks so much, Pauline, this is such a touching comment :) Blogging really helps me to search for those next steps when I’m finding myself feeling down and out, because I don’t want to vent out negativity without dealing with it and as soon as I write down what I’m struggling with, I realise that I have to face it. I try very hard not to beat myself up, but I haven’t quite given it up completely yet… just another lesson that I hope to own in the future :) xx