The thrill of being home from hospital quickly disintegrated into despair at pain levels shooting through the roof and aiming for Pluto. The good news is that my jaw has continued to get better, albeit at a slow rate, the bad news is that my hands and feet were not impressed by this and decided to flare just as brightly as they know how. It’s been a confusing couple of weeks trying to get by whilst capable of so little. My hands decided to play up worse than they have for a long time, I have been experiencing fatty fat fat finger syndrome and been unable to do pretty much everything. All the good routines I had gotten into before the last hospital stay in regards to feeding and cleaning up after myself have been lost amongst so many cycles of ‘want to but can’t’. Want to clean the dishes…can’t…want to type…can’t….want to cook…can’t…you get the idea, it can make for really long days!
I’ve been trying to find the happy in the days while waiting out the flare. I’ve been giggling like a nutcase at 30 Rock and managed to finish a particularly thrilling low grade chick novel that was kind of like someone plagiarised Britney Spears’ life story. It was sunshine reading awesome. A sunny Sunday saw me and my prince out in the garden, giving the plants the attention they deserve and making the lawn look more like lawn than jungle. I might mostly watch, but it’s a nice change to watching the walls inside!
My online escape time has been limited by swollen fingers and also an inability to concentrate on anything for very long. Normally I’d be consoled by fabulous touch typing on my iphone, however I only have very rare and elusive reception. This has been going on for months now…this here is my strong advice to NOT join Virgin Mobile. Being out of contact during a time when I really needed to be able to call for help did not help my stress levels or my pain, the combination of this with finger pain limiting my internet use made me feel so much more cut off than normal and incredibly helpless. It has been a rocky emotional path and I am still trying to find my footing.
In the middle there somewhere I had a birthday. Another emotional storm. I was in a lot of pain so doing much to enjoy the day was a bit of a dream. In the end I just enjoyed messages from people and when I couldn’t go out to dinner, my prince cooked for me. Including Caf friendly birthday cake! It’s beyond delicious. Along with the pain came all the stress that often accompanies getting older. It’s a reminder that another year has passed in pain, with nothing obvious to show for it. It’s a huge smack in the face of all the things I feel like I should have done, but haven’t with my life. It reminds me of where I thought I’d be at this age, what I thought I’d be doing…these are unhelpful thoughts that I try to avoid but a birthday kind of makes them turbo powered. It took a lot more effort than usual to let the thoughts pass without being broken down by what they said and to focus on the good in my life, the reasons to celebrate reaching a new age. I have just gotten through the hardest 12 months I have ever endured both physically and emotionally. This is a better reason than any to celebrate the milestone, rather than mourn it.
Communication has become something that feels daunting and difficult. I have to focus so much on getting through my days and trying to continue to improve despite flaring that I don’t often have much energy left to be social or relate to much outside of my little bubble. I need the bubble for a while, to try and get the baby steps of a life working properly so that I might actually have something to build on. I will still keep updating as often as I can, but shall keep my internet meandering limited to get through this phase of extra difficulty. I know it will pass, but I need to do a lot of work to make that happen. I miss you too.
Love & Forging A Path Forward,