Tag Archives: Poetry

One Breath After The Other

Dear Audy,

I planned on sharing the next installment of my RSD story with you today, however it’s been uploading for a couple of hours now…good one, youtube. While I was waiting, my fingers decided to write a poem…then I used my brain(!) to write something to go along with it…

One Breath After The Other

It’s like a constant waiting game
With each and every day the same
It stretches on and never ends
With only pain around the bends
How to keep my mind in line?
How to keep my smile, in time?
A little hope but to be spared
A little hope but better shared
How could I have never cared?
Back before this all began
Back when I wanted to, I ran
I knew not what the future held
Expected a happy, fantasy meld
Until it hit with sudden force
Knocked my entire life off course
Living a half life, in constant pain
Struggling, hoping not in vain

Taking one breath after the other…

It’s like a constant waiting game
With each and every day the same


Sigh…this is just life with RSD…there are not guaranteed treatments or cures. Sometimes my body flares up in such pain that I can’t even believe I stay conscious and yet there is nothing I can do about it, I cannot take a painkiller and make it go away…

I hope that by sharing my story and experiences I can help educate people about RSD/CRPS…suffering from an unknown and invisible disease makes it extremely difficult to get by in a society that judges on appearance. It’s not like having a condition that people understand, like Epilepsy or Multiple Sclerosis. RSD sufferers have to explain their condition constantly, even to the doctors and nurses they rely on and often are met with looks of disbelief and suspicion. Please understand that this is not ‘phantom pain’, this is REAL PAIN, our nerves are firing pain signals constantly, there is just not a known reason for them to be doing that.

Please be aware, when you are out there in the big, wide world, that there are medical conditions that you might never have heard of, degrees of pain that you might not understand…just be aware and maybe don’t got ramming people out of your way and stomping on their feet, you might be causing a lifetime of pain.

Thanks for taking the time to read this, thank you for listening, by simply listening you have helped my cause…thanks again.

Love & Awareness Spreading,

Caf

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  • Nasty November Ninth

    Dear Audy,

    It hurts to type, but I have to do something…my whole body is malfunctioning right now, my left hip and leg are aching and demanding to recline, my RSD right ankle is flared and my right wrist is killing me, from my forearm through to my knuckles…which kind of look bruised.

    I knew I couldn’t sit up today and so I decided to practise with the palette watercolours, as I can do that on my lap. My first effort didn’t go so well, but with several lessons firmly learnt along the way, I was determined to go for a take 2. I was determined, but my hand had other plans and decided to get all stiff and sore and feels like it is just taunting me to try and paint now….go on Caf, paint now, let’s see you paint now, go on…

    Thus, instead of a lovely new painting, I have a rather grouchy poem as a result of today’s creative pursuits…

    Nasty November Ninth

    This day shines bright
    But I am sad
    Sweet longing for
    All that i had

    It even hurts to write this down

    The list is stretching infinitely
    Of things i can’t do physically

    Solace has lain
    But now has been slain

    As it overcomes my hand

    So long, dear brushes
    And palette paint
    I tried today
    But today it ain’t

    An oasis, it’s just a mirage

    Teardrops may teeter
    But misfortune showers
    Oblivious to
    My wishful powers

    I will sigh
    And drop my gaze
    Grit and endure
    This draining day

    Though my stubborn resistance cowers

    Oh Audy, I hope you are having a lovely Sunday for the both of us.

    Love & Venting,

    Caf

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  • Welcome To A World Of Pre-Teen Whimsy

    Dear Audy,

    It has been a hip-lead, painful, weekend during which I have hardly moved from the couch at all and have worked my way further toward the final episode of Gilmore Girls….after which I’m not quite sure what I’ll do with myself, 2 discs to go…waiting to see the rheumatologist is sore and boring…which is why that’s all I’m saying on that subject today.

    I’ve recently been going through some old boxes of nostalgia. I threw out very little as a youngin. I have all sorts of Art projects and an impressive collection of keyrings but the most interesting stuff is my old writing. I even found a diary from some teenage years that I don’t remember keeping….it’s full of solid gold angst…and everyone who is no longer a teenager knows that teenage angst is the funniest kind!

    Before the solid gold diary, there was an orange exercise book. A little orange book, that I quite clearly wanted you to keep out of.

    Well, now I’m inviting you inside…

    20080929Exercise-Book-Cover

    Welcome to a world of pre-teen whimsy, of longing and Dolly Fiction. All I seemed to care about was boys and which boy I had a crush on and fantasising about superstar boys (I’m not saying that amongst the nostalgia there wasn’t a scrapbook of legends such as Dean Cain and Jonathan Taylor Thomas, nor a poster of Dieter Brummer). I See appears to be about a fictional relationship my tween self had with someone. Apparently he treated her badly and then he went on to be a scoundrel to other girls. That considered, it’s a good thing she saw him get his in the end…I’m not so sure if she was responsible or if she just managed to magically see his whole life somehow…whatever it was it sure is a snappy ending!

    20080929-Poem-I-see

    This next piece is so special, Audy, that Tween Caf clearly had to scribble it down in the heat of the moment…on an Alf pad. An Alf pad. If that’s not the epitome of awesome, nothing is. Remember how he ate cats? Alf was television genius. Anyway, things turn out better for Tween Caf and Fiction Guy in this one. She’s worried for a while that she might lose him to Sue….but it turns out they all live happily ever after…except Sue….but the tone would have you believe that Sue liked being the high school flirt, I doubt she ever really cared about Fiction Guy at all.

    20080929Poem-A-Special-Love

    20080929-A-Special-Love-Pt2

    So, Audy, I’ve spilled some serious beans here, uncovered some gems of Shakespearian like perfection…what’s hiding in your shoe box??

    Love & Cackles,

    Caf

    P.S. Lalaini met her first friend the other day! (In my head, they met in my head) Her name is Nora Andrews, Nora has wildly curly hair that she refuses to brush and a good sprinkling of freckles across her baby plump face. Lalaini rescued Nora from some school bullies (the absolute best way for fictional children to become friends). That’s about as far as I got, it’s coming out as one of those stories that sends you a bunch of little scenes that you have to weave together later…I’m itching to put a little lead to Nora so that might be what Caf does for the rest of this crippled Monday.

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  • Thou Ought Be Wary The BC Fairy

    Dear Audy,

    It has always been a wish of mine to find out how to contact the cleaning fairies. Mothers the world over seem to know where they live…but they aren’t spilling the beans. I was starting to think (horror!) that perhaps there were no cleaning fairies…But that isn’t the case…

    My bathroom is feeling particularly spring cleaned today. It certainly got a visit from a cleaning fairy. A crazy cleaning fairy who thought spring cleaning was a great idea! At first. The bathroom cleaning fairy did visit me, Audy, and this is her story:

    ‘Twas a wintry Spring time day
    When the time came for the clean
    An urge beyond any reproach
    To reveal a sparkly glean

    I trembled inside, as I realised
    I ought now to be wary
    For she would come, that manic one
    The bathroom cleaning fairy

    She scraped, she scrubbed, she swept and wiped
    From down low to up high
    No ick, no muck, no mould would dare
    Escape her feverish eye

    For hours and hours and hours on end
    She toiled, her muscles aching
    Until, at last, the job was passed
    A shiny bathroom for the taking

    The fairy began to grumble as
    Her cleaning frenzy abated
    That helpful, hopeful fairy smile
    Quickly disintegrated

    She is firm and fair is she
    But still a little scary
    For it isn’t any fun to be
    The bathroom cleaning fairy


    20080911sketch-bathroom-fai

    So now, as well as a clean bathroom, I have this weird, kinda grotesque self portrait…I’ve never drawn a self portrait before. What do you think? It’s entirely odd, I keep expecting to look in the mirror and see that my face has become the me in the sketch….creepy.

    Love & Exit Mould,

    Caf

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  • Therese & Trudy Eat Fries

    Dear Audy,

    Hooray it’s Spring!
    Surely a good thing!

    I am feeling much better on account of being able to move my mouth again….I have had to take some pretty whack me out medications so it’s been a blurry week. I have been trying to stay positive and amuse myself with small projects…and a ridiculous amount of Gilmore Girls…it’s worse than heroin.

    I officially can’t do anything to complete my psychology unit this semester. Buuuuuummmmmmeeeeeerrrr. Ha, I said bummer. That’s so grouse. Oh, look at me go….I’m a great big dorkus! Viva la 90’s slang!!

    I went on a big adventure on Friday, Audy. When I saw the doctor last week, I forgot to get my usual prescription because I was distracted by my jaw falling off my face….this is my life….thus I had to get my crippled little butt back into the city and get it…immediately because you see it would have been too easy if I’d remembered more than 12 hours before I would run out. I took a taxi in and sat uncomfortably with the grumpy taxi driver…I hate it when you get a grumpy one! (Side note…me….highly medicated this day….very spacey….and much less sore than normal)

    Prescription in hand, I somehow spent the next little while wandering around the children’s section in the nearby bookstore. I came out with a book about a manor with a secret door (can’t fail) and one where Alice gets out of Wonderland and has to get back and it comes with a warning regarding the battles involved…

    There is one chemist in Melbourne where I can get my meds a gazillion dollars cheaper than everywhere else so, being put off by Mr ‘I grump as I drive’, I thought I’d try my luck on the tram. Yep, one of those rattly things with hard seats, I thought, at the time, that I should ‘test’ whether or not I can take the tram again yet (verdict: well off course I can get on the damn thing but it still hurts my fragile hip that likes things cushioned…I’m not sure when the delusion set in, must be all that suppressed independence).

    It was ok at first…but then an old lady spotted my crutches. I’m sorry if you’re old and you like to talk to people about their injuries but you should know this….that is REALLY annoying. I’m trying to enjoy being out, I don’t want to talk about my pain. I know, Audy, I seem unnecessarily passionate about this…but that is how often it used to happen when I was still hobbling to work last year. I mumbled a few closed answers…nodded…tried to avoid eye contact. It makes me feel like an unfriendly cow…but where is it written that you should always want to talk to other people? Especially strangers who really have no business asking you about your personal problems anyway….yeah, I’m not feeling such rude guilt anymore when I look at it like that…

    By the time I got off the tram the spacey head thing was in full mode and I was getting wobbly. I needed food. I had planned to sit in a nice little coffee shop and enjoy a soy mocha and read my children’s books…but crutching was hard and I needed to sit down so I ended up in Hungry Jack’s with a squishy little burger and some fries. I sat their for a while dazedly watching anyone who happened to be in my eyesight…oh, you people are freaks and you know it. Two teenage girls sat down next to me and this I considered fortunate…whereas usually I would consider anything involving teenagers annoying. They were in their school uniforms and it was Friday and they were all happy and freckly and I was overwhelmed by a sense of nostalgia for those 13 year old days when things were simple, you had a bright future and the world of humour suddenly expanded to include almost everything in your surroundings whenever you were with friends and you just knew you were going to be friends forever and ever.

    Soooooo…the next day I found myself doodling a little pic inspired by those girls and I remembered a poem I started writing once, many many moons ago when I was taking a minute to appreciate how good those good sort of friends really are. I always felt like that poem wasn’t quite flowing or ending right and I suddenly realised why that was….it’s not just about those happy moments when they’re happening, it’s about how when you get back together with those friends, even decades later, you don’t change in how you relate to each other….it’s straight back to contagious cackles and silliness….

    Audy, I’d like you to meet Therese & Trudy….getting together to enjoy a moment out of their busy, adult lives.

    20080901Therese&Trudy-eat-f

    Now go call your oldest, dearest friend and have a giggle about something that happened back in the days…….

    Love & Nostalgia,

    Caf

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  • Tying A Knot & Hanging On

    Dear Audy,

    I refuse to be down in the dumps Caf.
    I don’t care if my face is falling apart.
    I don’t care if my legs work.
    I don’t care if my course will have to wait till next year.
    I don’t care if I am cursed.
    I don’t care if everything hurts.
    (well, obviously I care but I’m overcoming here)

    I decided to indulge in some lazy art. Well, not that lazy, cause it took me a while to draw little Kymmy here…but it’s recycled writing and computer colouring…

    20080824Kymmypoem

    Little Kymmy is blushing a little cause she’s shy from the attention, but pleased at being discovered. She’s smiling cause she has a secret…she knows she has something special inside and she’s just so pleased that someone is watching…that someone will see her.

    It’s a poem a wrote a long time ago, when a friend helped me realise things were going to be ok, by really doing not much more than just being there. It’s called Noticed. I’ve given it some fresh attention because I owe my sanity to a lot of caring people right now.

    So thanks, Audy.

    Love & Trying real hard here’s,

    Caf

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