Tag Archives: Feldenkrais

Blah To You, Hip Hiccup

Dear Audy,

I’m am doing my darndest to keep my chin up, however my body has been beating me up a little lately!

I feel like I’m taking a rollercoaster, first was down, then up, then I went down again with a another flare mid-week, followed by a brief recovery before I put my hip out the day before yesterday. Stupid hip. It can be hard to keep my head on straight with things changing all the time.


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It’s partly my fault. I decided to stop taking Lyrica, on account of I’ve been on it far too long to truly know if it is making any difference or not. I know that an extra cap helps if I am having a burning flare, however I’m not convinced that I need to be on a regular daily dose.

I am stepping down the dosage by 25mg every three days, a tiny amount but they are necessary steps as Central Neural Sensitisation means that my body overreacts to just about everything. All of these flares are making it hard to tell if the lowered dose is at all an instigator; there have been alternative triggers for each one. Although the medication change is making me a little groggy and grumpy, I don’t think it is to blame for my pain.

In regards to having my hip out, I supposed that I can take solace in the fact that I have had a longer period of respite from this particular affliction than I had experienced in years. The little bugger just doesn’t seem to like its rightful place. I am learning to manage its rebellion using Feldenkrais, however this is a slow process and a few little poppy-outies are still to be expected.

They certainly don’t encourage my happiness though, not at all. I keep resting and doing (mostly imaginary) Feldenkrais movements to try and coax my back into its happier alignment, however this everyday task has been feeling draining and frustratingly slow. That’s not really a surprise, healing is frustratingly slow. I am still wavering between being able to accept that and enjoy the present regardless, and feeling grouchy and stilted.

Being in increased pain is a real mood dampener. I am able to recognise the useless anxious and depressive thoughts that attempt to permeate my mind, a skill that helps me to separate from them. The problem is that when the pain keeps pounding and pounding, there are more and more of these thoughts to need to let go of. I can spend hours on these days just trying to watch that my body doesn’t tip my mind over the edge.

I am trying to view the situation positively. Excess pain is a new challenge and new challenges lead to growth. I am increasing my ability to exist mindfully and be emotionally stable, powered by the pure need to do so. Developing this skill will help me for the rest of my life, however in the meantime, I can still get rather bored.

I go through the motions of distraction (books, TV, movies) and sometimes I’m successful, but it’s been harder than usual to enter the state of mental escape that provides the only vacation from physical pain that I currently know.

I’ll get better at coping, the medication will cease and desist its body upheaval, life will go on. This isn’t the first time I’ve gone through a stage of blah and it probably won’t be the last. I shall just keep at this coping thing, just keep trying to find ways to lower and escape from my pain and keep searching for ways to be happy, content and grateful again.

Love & A Little Blah,
Caf

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  • Liberation From A Flare Helps Life Show Its Luminescence

    Dear Audy,

    Coming out of a flare, such as the one that I described in my last post, is like diving into crystal clear water and discovering one has gills. The world is new again, it’s interesting, it’s happier. When I take the time to appreciate how wonderful I am feeling in comparison to previous days, it’s like being on holiday. You know that feeling when you can just relax and doing things seems like fantastical fun rather than a chore? That’s the one I mean.


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    Saturday was a total write off and Sunday wasn’t much more fun. The pain lessened overnight, however the humidity was still keeping me puffed up and stinging. Late Sunday afternoon I was able to have a long soak in the bath, which helped to relieve all my muscles from the tension they were holding as a result of dealing with so much pain.

    The body’s natural response to pain is to tense up and protect an injured area, however when dealing with chronic pain this response starts to turn into an attack. Unresolved tension causes further pain and can even cause extra injuries, such as pulled muscles and postural problems. Secondary pain is not something that anybody suffering from Complex Regional Pain Syndrome needs and attending to these aches is of the utmost importance when managing chronic pain.

    Lately I have increased my rehabilitation activities. This has been in part due to honing my focus on healing and in part due to having freed up my schedule from too many appointments and special occasions. I have been doing longer Feldenkrais sessions, more frequently meditating and getting as much physical activity happening as I can handle without pushing myself into a flare (the big weekend flare was weather, rather than activity driven).

    The result of all of this focus is that I have been feeling like I am an athlete in training, albeit training that differs dramatically from what one would expect upon hearing the word “athlete”. My body is in a state of transformation and thus a state of constant upheaval. I am very purposefully messing with my movement patterns and reorganising my brain like this can leave my body feeling very disjointed, unfamiliar and often uncomfortable. Just like an athlete, I need to balance my physical workouts with rest, kindness to my muscles and general recuperation.

    There is a difference between the pain of discomfort and the pain of a CRPS flare and the discomfort I can handle. It certainly wasn’t comfortable as my body went from well-functioning to disabled and I can’t expect that the reverse trip should be any easier. I want to influence massive changes within myself and change isn’t a comfortable process. That’s become a concept that is ok with me, I’d rather go on any new adventure than stay settled on my cushions. The realisation that one can be comfortable being uncomfortable is as liberating as a turning key in the lock of a prison cell.

    Monday was marvellous. I slept for close to 10 hours, which is almost unthinkable for me. I assume that my body was rather exhausted after torturing itself for a couple of days. I awoke to clear, sunny skies and more importantly, fresh, non-humid air. I sat out in the sun reading for some time – a little too long from the odd-looking areas of sunburn on me. I’m not too fussed about that, it was glorious to be able to sit outside!

    The rest of the day consisted of pacing my way through the little things that get my life running again. Feldenkrais, meditation, the usual. I have been working with a new Feldenkrais audio track that gives the brain a lot of feedback about how the spine is moving and how it connects through different movements. After completing this hour long movement session, followed by a rest, I used the awareness that I had generated about my body to vacuum. Vacuuming is a dangerous task to the chronic pain battler, but I am pleased to say that mindfully paying attention to my movement as I completed it made the job both easier and more enjoyable.

    In fact, I enjoyed just about every minute of yesterday. I was just so glad to be out of the agony. This is the first time I remember being so mindful and aware after a flare. The first time I have felt such gratitude, to the universe in general, that it is over. I know it won’t be the last, but that knowledge isn’t interfering with me loving this interlude of lessened pain.

    Love & Respite,
    Caf

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  • Change Is A Positive Cliché For A Reason

    Dear Audy,

    I feel like a lovely chunk of malleable playdough that is being mushed and moulded into something new. Literally, that sounds rather horrific, however in actuality it is ever so exciting!

    I have been spending a lot more time offline than on in recent weeks, most of this year to be exact. Thankfully, this time away isn’t just due to pain flares. I have been reinforcing the behaviours that help me to keep my pain down and strengthen my body. This has been a process of challenging how I approach things both physically and mentally.


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    For over four years I have felt incredibly hindered by my pain. I have spent a lot of time incapable of doing just about anything and that led to a lot of free time to web surf and connect with people via social media. Although I am missing these interactions and the joys and wonders that I find on other’s blogs, I think I have just needed some extra me space so that I can make the changes that will continue to make my life better. Thanks so much to everyone who has continued to support me, your messages mean so much and it’s hard not to feel guilty that I haven’t had the time and capacity to reply yet.

    I have been reading a lot. I am sure that I have learnt more about the human brain in the past two months than in the three semesters that I spent studying psychology at uni. Along with texts examining advances in neuroscience, I have been submersing myself in stories about people who have suffered chronic pain and yet no longer do. These stories inspire me, uplift me and help me to focus on the daily grind of rehabilitating from such a state of nervous system catastrophe.

    The most thrilling thing about all this learning is that I can now understand what is going wrong in my body and I understand the changes that I need to influence in order for the pain to become just background noise in my life – gotta get that bugger off centre stage. Chronic pain has been misunderstood and mistreated for centuries. I no longer believe the medical practitioners that assume it is a permanent condition. I’ll go into further explanation on this topic when I get a chance to sit and review some of the texts that I’ve read.

    When I returned to my Feldenkrais practitioner after a couple of months break over Summer, I was delighted to discover that my body responded extremely quickly in a one on one session. I could feel parts of me letting go of tension and the way in which my perception reorganised itself in order to achieve this.

    My first session back was the motivation that I needed to step up my practise at home. It’s difficult to stick to any sort of new routine (ever tried to lose weight?) however, being able to feel the results makes putting in the effort to pay attention to my body’s movement patterns worth it.

    I’ve been altering my mediation practise, with the help of being guided and inspired by an instructed course. The instructor has a very different approach to other meditation instructors that I have had and it’s taken some work to shift my goals and deepen my practise. It’s not something that I am completely on top of yet, however I am working at it and I can feel the relaxation benefits after each session. I am also finding ways to sit comfortably on the floor with a straight back, something that is benefiting from the Feldenkrais and meditation alike, also something that I haven’t been able to do for years.

    My house feels much fresher than it has for some time. A huge focus of mine has been to maintain the household chores and keep my diet healthy. It’s amazing how much time this can take, however I am getting it done and it is starting to feel like less of an effort.

    So, it sounds like I’ve been pretty boring, right? Happy to say, wrong! I might be putting a lot of work into my rehab every day, but it’s really important to keep the fun things in my life so that I don’t get bored. I have caught up with friends, both visitors and taking myself out again to meet people, eat food and watch movies. I cannot describe how wonderful it is to be able to go out and feel normal for a few hours. The techniques that I’ve been practising really help to keep the pain down during these outings and to lessen the recovery time.

    I am starting to feel like a new version of the old me. In contrast to a new version of the recent me, the old me had a lot more fun!

    My updates have become less frequent, but I’m still here. I have so many new ideas and concepts cluttering up my head that I need time to allow them to boil and then simmer down into thoughts that I can share with you more easily.

    Life is a little confusing and foreign right now, but I definitely feel a stronger, more determined me building up. I can’t put everything into words right now, but for once, the future is looking bright and sparkly again.

    Love & Changes,
    Caf

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  • Feldenkrais For Free, A Fabulous Opportunity!

    Dear Audy,

    How fast the Summer has passed!! Here we are already, all Autumnal and ready to change with the seasons. We’re ready to change with the seasons, right? Well, you can stay comfy and rigid if you like, but I’m ready to keep growing, changing and finding ways to alleviate my pain. A decidedly uncomfortable journey, but one that I’ve been on long enough to be able to see that this tunnel through my life has a gradual incline, no matter how dark and deep it seems.

    It’s normal to feel pooped out and overwhelmed sometimes.


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    Us children-of-the-modern-day might be predisposed to expecting reactions and results instantly (remember when you had to actually catch someone at a stationary phone to get their input? When you had to wait weeks for a letter?), but real change takes time, dedication and a willingness to challenge one’s limitations repeatedly. You can’t just get all motivated one day and expect what you begin to go forth on its own inertia.

    I was recently forced to sit and watch my old vlogs in order to piece together a timeline of my life with chronic pain. It wasn’t easy, there is a lot of pain and trauma associated with many of those memories; pain that I could see playing across my face in the recordings (not to mention the horrifying realisation that some of my older videos have gone weird and I need to re-upload them).

    The wonderful aspect of this painful task was being able to realise how far I have come in the last twelve months. I have gone from always using walking aids to very rarely needing them. I have gone from never being able to prepare meals or do housework to finding ways to pace these into my life again, without the dreaded flares that held me back before. I have gone from only being able to digest mindless television shows to once again craving complexity in both viewing and reading material.

    Most importantly, I have found belief that my pain need not be a life sentence and that I am in control of my recovery. Nope, no religious epiphany, nor a magic medicine is behind my realisation. The change has come from self-empowerment and I owe thanks for that to Feldenkrais.

    It’s wonderful to feel liberated and capable!


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    You might remember this post that I wrote, almost a year ago, in regards to a Feldenkrais workshop that I had participated in, instructed by Tahnee Woolf. I have been working with Tahnee in weekly one-on-one Feldenkrais sessions that, along with a lot of hard work at home, have literally changed my life.

    I attribute all of my progress in the past year to learning about my body as a connected whole and exploring those connections. Lessons that have come directly from Feldenkrais sessions and also from the reading that I have felt motivated to do in order to understand how it is that I am able to make these dramatic changes in how I move.

    Feldenkrais helps to teach the brain comfortable patterns of movement and can be so unexpectedly effective as to give noticeable relief of pain and stiffness in a single session; relief that can be prolonged through repetition and dedication. I now have a weapon with which to dull my own flares, without medication – a situation that I once believed impossible.

    Fantastically, Tahnee Woolf is offering a couple of FREE online Feldenkrais classes. Classes that you can join no matter where you are in this wide, wide world. These are coming up next week and you can enrol here. Yes, FREE. Absolutely without payment or obligation.

    You can tune into an online class, give it a go and see for yourself if you feel any relief. If you feel even the tiniest bit better, then repeating the experience and learning more will help that feeling to come back and hang around longer. For those who wish to continue, Tahnee is also taking enrolments for an upcoming, paid, 5 week course. If you try the free class and don’t feel any different and don’t want to continue, then you have lost nothing.

    You know that ProActiv ad where Katy Perry claims that she has the secret (ProActiv) and that she’s the kind of person who likes to share secrets? How about the one where Jessica Simpson shares the same secret? The one where Avril Lavigne attributes her acne clear up to ProActiv rather than the obvious passage of time since puberty? Those are what you call big fat paid for lies.

    What you are now reading is not a sponsored post. I’m not being paid to write this: Feldenkrais lifted the curtain off healing abilities that I didn’t even know I had. Tahnee Woolf has guided me from shattered, hopeless patient to empowered human being. There is nothing mystical or religious about Feldenkrais – it’s not called FeldenChrist – it’s a therapy developed by a man named Moshe Feldenkrais. It’s a physical therapy that embraces the undeniable (sorry, Descartes) mind/body connection. Does that take a bit of the weird off?

    Why not enrol now? Open your mind to the possibility that things can get better; that you can make them better. Feldenkrais isn’t just helpful for people in pain. Becoming consciously aware of nervous system patterns can help with things from basic co-ordination to elite fitness training; from basic concentration to intense study; from physical relief to emotional relief.

    And so, dear horses, here is the water. Drink if you will.

    Love & An Opportunity,
    Caf

    P.S. I still have many things to tell you, but sometimes life is for the world outside of screens and bytes. I’ve not yet reached the point where I can keep increasing my physical activity and also find the brain space to write about it. I’m progressing, Audy, but I have learnt to be patient about the whole thing. I’m sorry I haven’t replied to your emails or read your blog posts yet, you know who you are.

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  • Turning To Face The Sun

    Dear Audy,

    I woke up feeling very out of sorts this morning. I was in a level way past the sort of pain that I can deal with and not in the sort of mood to cope effectively.

    I rolled out of bed, early because I had a Feldenkrais appointment. Unfortunately, some main roads near my house are still closed from the recent flooding. This means that an insane amount of extra traffic is being diverted past my house and getting out of the estate in the morning can take around 45 minutes. That’s the amount of time it usually takes me to get to my appointment! Knowing I’d never make it on time, or in a reasonable condition if I did decide to sit in the car that long, I had to move my appointment to next week.

    It’s frustrating to wake to both pain and disappointment. I got all overwhelmed and sooky and far more worked up than I needed to be. I have a few deadlines for different events looming and was feeling incapable of doing anything.

    After a little while, I realised that I needed to improve my physical condition if I hoped to achieve any of the things that were weighing on my mind. Out went my plans of writing, sewing and organising and in came plans of tackling my pain and nourishing my wellbeing.



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    I am fairly proud of the mental turnaround. I woke up my thinker with some coffee, whilst distracting it with 90210. I took some painkillers and settled into the couch until they kicked in. The next two hours or so I spent soaking in the tub, reading, exfoliating and generally relaxing.

    The sun shined divinely today. Sun is something that my skin doesn’t see enough of. I dragged out my comfy outdoor recliner and basked in the Vitamin D for about 15 minutes, any longer would have involved sunscreen and I wasn’t in the mood for greasing up.

    Next came the quick construction of a plan to handle the final preparations for my costume and also one for my prince. Turns out I had a blouse in the cupboard that, on a man, looks very 18th Century…who’da thunk it? I’ll op-shop for pants and shoes, add some frills and he’s done. Having those issues settled allowed my anxiety to calm its ass down a bit.

    All this relaxation had gotten my pain low enough for me to have the courage to do some very gentle Feldenkrais. I approached the movements really slowly and gently and managed to iron out some of my kinks.

    For my final pat on the back, I have eaten nothing but healthy stuff, which has been something I often try to do and never quite make it. I’m pleased to say that I am making progress, craving much less sugar and getting a wider variety of fruit and vegetables into my belly.

    Today might not have been the day that I wanted to wake up to, but I think I did pretty well making the most of it. It’s easy to get overwhelmed on a weak day, but not impossible to correct my perspective if I focus on what is important.

    I now feel ready to have a good sleep and get productive and back to the things I need to do tomorrow…which is much better than I would have felt if I’d spent all day worrying about the things that I could not do.

    Love & The Daily Grind,
    Caf

    P.S. Tomorrow is Love Beats Hate day, hurrah!

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  • Pretty, Little, Mood Lifting Flowers

    Dear Audy,

    I am bumbling along in my usual fashion, just trying to deal, trying to cope. When there is a lot of negative stuff going on, it is important to nurture the mental rewards that are received when we choose to focus on the positives. The old saying would have us remember to smell the roses. I haven’t been sniffing, but I have been admiring my cactus flowers, lately.

    Please excuse my shaky hands…they do that.



    Lots of Feldenkrais, lots of rest and lots of focus is the way that I am getting through my days. Anti-inflammatory pills are helping my hip enormously and my neck and shoulders are finally settling down. Yay! Things are turning around, Audy. My biggest problem right now is very sore hands. In their defence, I am forcing them to do a lot more typing than usual, working on some stories and articles and organising life in general.

    It is most definitely time to give them some rest!

    Love & Moving Forward Again,
    Caf

    P.S. New, organised blog layout! I felt like a change & I’m digging the multiple RSS feeds for different post categories up the top there. Yay!

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  • Weathered.

    Dear Audy,

    I wish I could write to you about adventures and possibility, however I have had and felt none in recent weeks. Not much has changed since I wrote about the difficulties of the seasons doing so. The pain has been incomprehensible. I am getting confused easily and having trouble concentrating on anything. I am trying to look forward to Summer, however that is really hard to do when I am so incapacitated. It makes me yearn for summers passed and that body that could jump in the car and head down to the beach for no reason other than simple enjoyment. Oh, how I long to do something for no purpose other than simple enjoyment.

    If you can, please read on without pity. I don’t meant to sound pathetic, I pledged (to myself) to always share my journey with CRPS honestly, for the purpose of educating and relating to people. Not to mention that it’s therapeutic to do so.

    I am sad. I am so very sad and I do not feel like myself. It has been weeks since I have left the house to do something other than attend an appointment or run a short errand. Weeks. I am not even able to entertain myself at home much anymore, as the pain encompasses my entire body, from my face to my toes and often the only bearable position is laying on my bed, supported by pillows. I miss the days when the pain was restricted to certain areas and didn’t yet have the power to completely trap me in a prison of flesh and angry nerves. I have been told that I am getting a bit of a look in my eye, like a caged animal. Makes sense, that is just how I feel.



    I am still bogged down in a financial mess. I don’t like to talk about money, however being completely broke and in debt and disabled and unable to work is an incredibly stressful situation and is impacting hugely on my wellbeing at the moment. I didn’t even get to do something fun and reckless to incur the debt, I’ve never even owned a credit card. I just paid my medical bills and tried to live, unaware that I hadn’t filled out some mysterious form somewhere along the way. It seems that no matter how much I try to straighten things out, there is always another mix up and another bill and I am currently in complete limbo as to how much income I will actually receive in any given month, or as to whether or not I will have to spend the rest of my life paying a debt out of a pension. The whole thing just makes me cry. I’m tired of being stonewalled and given incorrect information.

    The most horrible thing about falling backwards in my physical condition is feeling like a sudden and depressing burden on my prince and my parents. I was just getting some rhythm back into my life, finding the strength to do some housework, drive short distances and I even cooked a few healthy and delicious meals. Overnight, those abilities were snatched away again and I am left lost as to how I ever functioned at this level of incapacitation in the past. As the days have blurred into weeks, my hope that the flare will pass has turned into nothing but a mirage on my mental horizon. Logically, I know that of course it will pass – that’s why it’s called a flare, however depression is blocking my view of future happy days and I feel like I am clinging to a false hope, because logically I also know that even once I’ve improved, I will flare again. Hopefully one day I won’t, but that day is not written into this chapter of my journey.

    Yesterday, I thought I would try and do some sewing after waking less sore than I had in weeks. It was nice for a little while, I felt creative and productive again. Unfortunately I made a blunder on the bag I was creating, which thoroughly dampened my fragile spirit. I understand that every project won’t be a winner first off and I am glad that I do have the lining good to go, it’s just hard not to be disappointed that the effort I spent on the outside of the bag has to be repeated. Hopefully it won’t be too long until I can shake of the disappointment and just be happy that I was able to feel engaged and useful for a little while, as well as, you know, finish the bag. I think I have come up with a brilliant way to make fabric flower decals. I am looking forward to trying it out.

    I am bound for the bath shortly, perhaps after a soak I will be able to do some incredibly light Feldenkrais and then perhaps I will feel less like someone accidentally confused me with a wrecking ball.

    I feel so strange at the end of writing this, it feels nice to have shared and in doing so, diluted my stress. I feel kind of optimistic about the rest of my day, but also like I won’t be surprised at all if I end up stuck on the bed all afternoon. Does that mean I’m pessimistic about my optimism? Shite. Think I’ll just shut up and stop trying to label things.

    Love & A Glint Of Hope,
    Caf

    P.S. I am sorry to be so slow responding to messages, I haven’t been in a very good headspace for communicating and don’t want to be a misery guts. I shall just stay quiet until I have something of quality to say. Feel free to talk nonsense with me on Twitter (@Rellacafa), nonsense I can handle.

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  • A Change Of Seasons, An Anxiety Chicken & A Pain Egg

    Dear Audy,

    Yeah, you know how it goes, my hands get sore and then I talk to the camera.

    A general CRPS and health update from the past few months, along with some pondering about the pain/anxiety cycle and the way in which Feldenkrais has helped me in overcoming a lot of my physical limitations.



    Gosh darn it’s weird watching myself, talk about myself. Kind of like walking in on myself naked. Can I please have a cupcake now?

    Love & Chatting,
    Caf

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  • The Weather & The Flare

    Dear Audy,

    Holy Bajeebus, it has been a long week. I would like to extend a hand of reluctant congratulations to The Flare, as it has clearly mastered some sort of time extender spell. I’ll give you that one, Flare, that was clever.

    The Flare started last Saturday and has not given me a moment’s peace since. I have tried all the tricks that I know and Feldenkraised my little heart out, only to receive very little relief, which quickly reverts to pain.

    My brain has been full of mazes and jumbles, even when I am sleeping. My dreams have harassed me with stress, terror and mayhem. This morning I woke up sobbing and confused and apart from the pain, I couldn’t quite figure out why. The pain is enough, I suppose, it is incredibly painful. If I was an infant I would be screaming and screaming and you would have changed my nappy, fed me, cuddled me, burped me and I still wouldn’t be shutting up, because the truth is that there isn’t a lot to be done for this type of flare.

    This is the type of flare for which I blame The Weather.

    (A google image search for “humidity pain swelling pretty” gave me this. You would think it would give me nothing. But there it is, a nice reminder that this whole drama began with a pair of high heels…)


    (click for image source)


    Spring has arrived and all of a sudden, Melbourne is behaving like the tropics. There are many wonderful aspects to tropical weather, but Melbourne seems to have forgotten about those and just decided to focus on conjuring up my worst enemy…humidity. There have been some patches of sunshine, but mostly my Super Sensitive Skin Barometer is detecting humid, cold, humid, cold. Do you know what humidity does to human bodies? It makes them swell up like puffy marshmellowmen. Most people are lucky enough not to notice, they might feel a bit slow and tired under the heavier density of the air, but it’s not usually a painful experience. Being the the true King Of Suckiness that it is, CRPS makes this usually mildly uncomfortable experience painful.

    There is not a lot I can do, other than try to stabilise the temperature inside and not get stressed. Stress will always make the pain worse, always. I can spend a little time online again, which is lovely, however my typing fingers don’t last long before they start stinging as though they are being attacked by an army of paper concertina men (whose cuts sting more than the meanest of bees). I can do some minimal Feldenkrais, my threshold is lower than I have grown accustomed to and I have to be very careful not to overdo it. I can soak in the bath, comfortably, thanks to my awesome new, birthday bath pillow. I have been reading a lot. It’s taken a long time to learn to read with a scattered brain, but I seem to have that sussed. Once I accepted that there was nothing wrong with rereading a page, if I had forgotten what I’d just read anyway, reading got easier. Rereading used to feel like a waste of time and a punishment for taking a brain tangent, however now it is just how I get through books!

    I have had my super sad moments, The Flare has been much more fiery than any I have experienced in the last couple of months. It’s easy to forget (the more I try) how awful it was when I first developed CRPS and life was confusing, painful and extremely limited. This current type of flare brings all those memories flooding back and it’s a period in time that I don’t really want knocking on the door of the present. Persistent pain has a habit of kicking off negative thought cycles and I’ve struggled with these a bit. I am trying to keep reminding myself that the reason I feel so crappy now is because I have actually been doing really well, all Winter. I have coped well enough to get my pain levels down, that is why the intensity of The Flare is such a shock. If I can just stay relaxed and learn to adapt to the change in weather, I can get back to functioning again. The future isn’t as dismal as the one that my mind is trying to project right now.

    Whilst I am absolutely hanging to get back into my sewing room, Camille understands that she will be constructed when I am able to do so in relative comfort. Hopefully that will be in the next few days. I am having creativity withdrawals and all this sitting around is giving my brain time to come up with lots of plans that I want to execute!!

    Love & Patience,
    Caf

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  • A Little Hiatus While I Have To Wait Is Evidence Of A Silly Me

    Dear Audy,

    Time has been flying faster than SuperTed lately, and he shoots through the air, like a streak of red…so that is saying something!

    Silly cold bug infected my prince and I the weekend before last and I am only just starting to not feel like a germ anymore. It was pretty gross there for a while. Being sick is so annoying, there’s nothing to be done but cosy down, play some Lego Batman on the Playstation and wait it out.

    One thing I did finally do this week was call to arrange a new ISP. I have been living off 6G a month for years now and this simply will not do anymore. It simply will not do. I am tired of wanting to watch youtube videos but needing to be careful with how I dole out my monthly MB. I am tired of wanting to browse my little heart out and feeling so limited. I am tired of weeks like this one, where I haven’t been careful with my download allowance and have stricken my life of Internet playing for something like two weeks. In other news, my laptop is now set to ask me before downloading all of its updates. You live and you learn, yes indeedy.

    In me news, I am doing ok. Being sick doesn’t do anybody’s body any good, but I think I’m actually coping better than I would have six months ago. There has been a huge increase in CRPS hypersensitivity and burning pain, but I can handle it. A week of inactivity followed by me taking on the challenge of cooking dinner (Louisiana chicken, it was delicious and yes, I did eat it whilst watching True Blood), resulted in a twisty-hipped-Caf. It manifested as knee pain first, then I slept, woke up in agony, tried to walk down the hallway and fell down. It was a pretty good sign that I was a little disconnected from my limbs. Thankfully, I have a wonderful Osteopath, who is excellent at straightening me up again. I have also been in to see my Feldenkrais practitioner, which has helped to settle my screaming nervous system back down again.

    It had more to scream about than just pain. I received a bit of a shock the other day, in the shape of a phone call and learning that I am apparently in debt 32k (not a typo). It’s a bit of a paperwork nightmare, but basically I think it’s going to be alright, it should be covered by insurance and I shouldn’t have to resort to turning tricks. Hopefully. I’ll feel much better when it’s all in writing and I know what’s going on. I just love being stuffed around by faceless institutions, don’t you?

    I’ll be back to blogging as normal when I have me some Internetz again. In the meantime, I’ll be getting started on my next sewing adventure (a dress named Camille) and continuing to try and let my body recover and get some strength back. It’s possible I’ll use this time to finally transfer my photos into iPhoto, something that I’ve been meaning to do since I went Mac, quite a while back. Then again, it’s also possible that I’ll just go soak in the tub and then nap some more. Ah, the sweet promise of possibility!

    Love & Patience,
    Caf

    P.S. Please fill my Google Reader with lots of goodies for when I can read them, ok? Ok.

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