Stomping Down Mounds That Seemed Like Mountains

Dear Audy,

Ahhhh, finally…a day when I am feeling a little better! Life has been a bit overwhelming lately, flares breed flares breed angst and it can be hard to stay abreast of it all. It’s hard to get through those dark days, but I plough ahead and eventually I am able to see the bright side of life again.

In exciting news, my 2nd article for ABC’s Ramp Up has been published. It’s a bit of a sequel to the first one, you can find it here.

In melodramatic news, I think the new year finally hit me. Like birthdays and other holidays, the turn of the year can be a tough time for a lot of people. It’s easy to logically understand that January 1st is just another day, however when there are things in your life keeping you from doing what you’d like, it’s also easy to get a little blue at the idea of starting another year with huge limitations.

My pain has been going crazy thanks to Summer’s heat and humidity. The cool air is probably the main reason that I feel better today. When the air is full of moisture, cells swell and sensitive nervous systems get confused and painful.

This year, I have noticed an increase in the amount of full body flaring. When the burning, stinging and stupid sensations hit I have, at times, simply collapsed on the floor because I cannot take another step. Naturally, this is rather frustrating. The air-conditioner is helping a lot. I had no power last Saturday and about an hour after I woke up, I had to go and lay back on my bed for most of the day. With no air-conditioner an no fans, I simply couldn’t move. Not to mention, everything stings.

I hate being at the mercy of the weather, it has this way of making me feel completely and utterly useless. When the CRPS is flaring, it’s hard to see all of the positive things that have happened/are happening for me. It can take until the physical symptoms settle down for my brain to start processing logical thought again.

There were a few issues that were bouncing around my brain and blocking my view of the future. Yesterday, I realised that one of the main things bothering me was the fact that I have failed to get some Xmas/I Like You presents out to a few close friends and some cards out to a few logistically distant ones. I was planning on making gifts, you see, however my body has not been playing fair since early December. I was also too poor to be able to afford anything extra at the end of 2010.

It took weeks, but it finally clicked in my brain that I can afford some small gifts now and I can stop stressing about needing to be physically well enough to make them. Hurrah! Yesterday I spent a couple of hours carefully choosing and ordering gifts from Made It – I figure if I haven’t been well enough to sew, then why not buy gifts that I would have loved to have made myself?

I also ordered a new handbag. I have been carrying around a bag that I made for a couple of years now. It’s getting terribly tattered and a little embarrassing. Aside from bills and other catastrophes, I hadn’t purchased a new one because it was also something that I hoped to sew myself. Silly Caf, it’s silly to put yourself under physical pressure to create when you have other options.

My wardrobe is also suffering from my not being able to sew as much as I wish I could. I finally realised that I am still going to need to get dressed in the time between now and when I build up my stamina again, so I have ordered a couple of new things online.

Physically shopping is a huge ordeal for me, along with the yesterday’s epiphany about the presents, I had related realisations about online shopping. I know my measurements and shape, it really shouldn’t be that hard for me to be able to find retailers that will post to me…and the physical saving is worth the postage cost.

I love the two cardigans that I bought last year from Friends Of Couture, so I stuck with what I know and shopped there. Their stuff is gorgeous and I love to being able to support a local business.

Some money spent, some stress erased – it’s a liberating feeling! Next step in the “wardrobe acceptance cleanse” is a bit of getting rid of the dresses that I’m never likely to fit into again. It can be hard to let go of past, skinnier me, but longing for her is really doing me no good in the here and now. She was able to do things like run and hike, right now (ever hopeful), I am unable to do awesome exercisey stuff. It’s about time I got out my camera and set some clothes free on eBay and to charities.

I have been cleaning a lot this month, I had the whole house clean before NYE and it was nice, I’d like to keep it that way. Pain often hinders my ability to do housework, so I am trying to pace in more chores at a doable rate. At the moment, that involves needing to push myself more and then deal with the pain and repercussions, however I hope that with time, my strength will improve and the should-be-easy, day to day parts of life will be exactly that.

It’s been a week of epiphanies and the third one was suddenly realising that I could just get a pair of scissors and cut Sam’s overgrown woolly fur coat off. I had to laugh at myself when I realised that the only reason I’d never even given him a trim before was because I just sort of thought that was something that dog groomers do and that I didn’t know how. Why did I think I didn’t know how to use a pair of scissors?!

Many snips later, I have a scruffy little dog, about half the size of the original fluffball. Sure, it’s not the even cut that you get using clippers, but it was free (grooming fee $60 saved and spent on me, booyah!) and fun and Sam looks better with a punky do than all neat and perfect.

Being overwhelmed can cause a whole lot of stress about a whole lot of little things. I have finally found some strength to begin tackling the troubles that felt mountainous together, but are nothing more than little mounds on their own.

I now have a bit more brainpower to focus on getting stronger, happier and healthier. Hurrah!

Love & Baby Steps,

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  • 4 thoughts on “Stomping Down Mounds That Seemed Like Mountains

      1. Caf Post author

        Aw, thanks Carl! That is a great quote. And better than getting Miley Cyrus stuck in my head….her stupid climb song is lyrically suitable for life with a disability, it’s just annoying that it comes out of her mouth, LOL! ;P

    1. Tracey

      That weather has been playing so much havoc lately – it really needs to sort itself out and keep us all lovely and cool!

      I love shopping at madeit too – unlike you though I have no crafty skill at all, so they’re always the best handmade option for me. I’m also a big fan of ‘friends of couture’ – they have a lovely vintage sensibility.

      I hope your world becomes a little more easier to bear very soon.

      1. Caf Post author

        The scariest thing about shopping at Made It is that now I get the emails showing me all these pretty things that I suddenly want! It’s a nice change from the emails trying to sell me things that I don’t want though :)

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