So exciting to be out at a pretty winery! Also exciting to have my smile back :)

Seeing Light Again

Dear Audy,

This past week, I finally started to feel more like myself again. More like that person that doesn’t get rattled so easily, that pushes through challenges and excess pain. More like that person who isn’t a miserable wretch.

I like her much better.

Yay! Excuse for make up and nice clothes!

I have some super dooper friends to thank for helping to pull me back from the edge. It went down like this…

I was prepared to let my birthday pass unmarked, but I was really sad about that. After wrestling with some anxiety fuelled distractor thoughts, I think I’ve figured out what was happening up here in my thinking coconut.

I did want to celebrate. I did want to see friends and get excited and feel happy, but I simply didn’t feel up to it. After months of health backsliding, I didn’t feel physically or emotionally capable of celebrating anything at all. I felt so black, that I didn’t think anybody would actually want to come and celebrate with a miserable person. I felt all the friendships that have faded, and those that seem like they’re slipping away and I felt helpless.

I stared at my life and I only saw the failings. I predicted a future in which my life continued to descend into darkness, loneliness and pain. I let go of my victories and in return, they abandoned me. I got caught up in anxious circles, faded feelings and the rising, insistent sensation of grief.

I lost myself a little, but not permanently. It’s a really good thing that I can’t actually predict the future.

When feeling bleak, it can be tough to try to summon the courage to talk to people, even when you know they simply want to care about you. Depression is rarely a logical thing.

How we feel about things is ultimately up to us, but sometimes lost people need a little help to get back to the path. I’m so grateful to the friends who helped to guide me this week.

Thank you, Mum, Dad and Tim.

Thank you, Michelle, for getting me through the big day. Thank you, Stef, for helping me realise that Skype is good for not-so-distant catch ups when any distance is too far. Thank you, Jen & Marg for putting in such effort to come and take me out. Thank you, Melissa, for a delightful country outing and always, always supporting me, and for the next paragraph.

Thank you to the amazing people who didn’t know anything about me other than it was my birthday and I was sad, yet took the time to send me cards and kind words by way of Melissa. You are all amazing.

So much love from strangers.

Thank you to all the friends who called and texted.

Thank you to you, Audy, whom I can’t mention individually for fear of missing somebody. Thank you for your supportive comments, your Facebook and Twitter love, your messages, your sharing. Thank you for your patience when I take weeks to get into a replying headspace.

Thank you all for not giving up on me.

I’m not giving up on me anymore, either. I’m digging out of this hole, one moment at a time. One decision at a time. One thought redirection at a time. One action at a time.

One breath after another.

So exciting to be out at a pretty winery! Also exciting to have my smile back :)

Love & Gratitude,

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  • 6 thoughts on “Seeing Light Again

    1. Tracey

      Happy (belated) birthday! How wonderful your friends and family are to give you exactly what you needed to celebrate your birthday. One breath at a time, indeed that is often the most approach.

      Take care. xx

      1. Hayley Cafarella Post author

        Thank you, Lovely!! I got all lost for a while, but I’m starting to get a grasp of this staying in the moment and handling one thing at a time business. It’s easy to get overwhelmed, but one thing at a time is the only way I’m going to get past any of the things holding me down. Hope that things are going well for you!! x

    2. Matthew Smith

      Hi Caf,

      Sorry I didn’t realise it was your birthday. Not wanting to mark it is quite common when you’re depressed, or when what’s going on in your life means you aren’t in the frame of mind to celebrate (and you don’t have to, like a child’s birthday rather than yours). I’m glad your friends made a nice occasion of it.

      Also that’s a lovely picture and a nice dress – is it one of yours? Still doing that?

      1. Hayley Cafarella Post author

        Hello! Thanks for that reminder, it’s one of those things that once it’s passed, I wonder what I was so upset about. That dress is not one of mine, but I have started sewing again in recent weeks. Hopefully will actually get through a project one of these days! Just doing a little bit when I can :)

    3. sarah

      we love you.

      it is as simple as that

      and everything you give out comes back threefold, and you are certainly a giver so I am glad the love came back round at the right time!


      1. Hayley Cafarella Post author

        Thank you so much, Beautiful Lady! Been thinking of you lately, hope that the Universe is being kind to you :) xoxo

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