Seeing Light Again
This past week, I finally started to feel more like myself again. More like that person that doesn’t get rattled so easily, that pushes through challenges and excess pain. More like that person who isn’t a miserable wretch.
I like her much better.
I have some super dooper friends to thank for helping to pull me back from the edge. It went down like this…
I was prepared to let my birthday pass unmarked, but I was really sad about that. After wrestling with some anxiety fuelled distractor thoughts, I think I’ve figured out what was happening up here in my thinking coconut.
I did want to celebrate. I did want to see friends and get excited and feel happy, but I simply didn’t feel up to it. After months of health backsliding, I didn’t feel physically or emotionally capable of celebrating anything at all. I felt so black, that I didn’t think anybody would actually want to come and celebrate with a miserable person. I felt all the friendships that have faded, and those that seem like they’re slipping away and I felt helpless.
I stared at my life and I only saw the failings. I predicted a future in which my life continued to descend into darkness, loneliness and pain. I let go of my victories and in return, they abandoned me. I got caught up in anxious circles, faded feelings and the rising, insistent sensation of grief.
I lost myself a little, but not permanently. It’s a really good thing that I can’t actually predict the future.
When feeling bleak, it can be tough to try to summon the courage to talk to people, even when you know they simply want to care about you. Depression is rarely a logical thing.
How we feel about things is ultimately up to us, but sometimes lost people need a little help to get back to the path. I’m so grateful to the friends who helped to guide me this week.
Thank you, Michelle, for getting me through the big day. Thank you, Stef, for helping me realise that Skype is good for not-so-distant catch ups when any distance is too far. Thank you, Jen & Marg for putting in such effort to come and take me out. Thank you, Melissa, for a delightful country outing and always, always supporting me, and for the next paragraph.
Thank you to the amazing people who didn’t know anything about me other than it was my birthday and I was sad, yet took the time to send me cards and kind words by way of Melissa. You are all amazing.
Thank you to all the friends who called and texted.
Thank you to you, Audy, whom I can’t mention individually for fear of missing somebody. Thank you for your supportive comments, your Facebook and Twitter love, your messages, your sharing. Thank you for your patience when I take weeks to get into a replying headspace.
Thank you all for not giving up on me.
I’m not giving up on me anymore, either. I’m digging out of this hole, one moment at a time. One decision at a time. One thought redirection at a time. One action at a time.
One breath after another.
Love & Gratitude,