Searching For Stabilisation

Dear Audy,

I aged and it was all OK. Lowest key of birthday ever. A lovely friend and her adorable daughter visited, parents visited and then Prince finally came home from housesitting duties. We had planned an evening of birthday dining and movie going, however my dopey body did not play friendly in terms of functionability. I’m still awaiting the day it lets me out, but until then I shall enjoy my birthday roses and just keep working on getting stronger.

Red Orange Roses

My challenge of the last three days has been all over burning and aching. I tried to reason with myself early this morning as I lay in bed not sleeping:

“Come on, it doesn’t hurt everywhere. You’re exaggerating. Where are the places that it doesn’t hurt?”

They were so hard to find, I had to laugh at my answer:

“Hair follicles on head, they’re OK. My nose, my mostly gristle nose is feeling fairly unnoticeable. My fingernails…oh, wait, no, those actually do hurt. It’s probably the skin under the nails, but it’s all the same to Brain.”

Silly Brain. I really need to do some work on its silliness.

I have to keep going. Make some changes and climb back out of this symptom pit. I have to do this even though the task is especially challenging at this time.

Full body pain and sensitivity are hard to cope with. There’s the feeling like all joint cartilage is actually lava, the feeling like the whole body is grazed and bruised, and then there’s the fatigue. The overwhelming fatigue. The fatigue that means the body is always on edge and primed for further injury through clumsiness. The fatigue that fogs the mind, the mind that is needed to cope with all of these feelings.

People keep asking what happened. Why have I gone downhill?

The answer is that I just..don’t…know.

Is it stress? Is it the weather? Is it dietary? Is it progression? Is it bad luck?

I don’t know.

I just don’t want to stay like this. I’m trying (LOL! Like I ever stopped) to build up my coping strength again. I’m slowly recognising the unhelpful thoughts once more and focusing on distraction when the thoughts are both anxiety and truth.

I really wish they’d just be one or the other.

I also really wish that I didn’t feel like I am melting internally, just so you know, Wish Fairies.

Just in case the wishes don’t help, I’m going to keep trying to keep myself distracted, entertained and focused on what I can do to make a moment better. I’ll keep doing my Feldenkrais and moving as much as possible. I’ll keep searching for inspiration and I will stabilise this mind of mine.

Debilitating pain or not.

Love & Petals,

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  • 2 thoughts on “Searching For Stabilisation

    1. Kate Kent

      Happy birthday Hayley! My name is Kate and I’ve just read your story in a mag called frankie.You are amazing and inspirational to me. I don’t have physical pain just the mental one. I’m not very articulate like yourself but I admire you very much. Keep climbing that mountain I hope one day your pain will ease and leave you.
      Kind regards,
      P.s I’m the 11th of October us librans rule

      1. Hayley Cafarella Post author

        Hi Kate! Welcome and thank you so much for your kind words. A happy belated birthday to you too! The mental mountains can be just as treacherous as the physical ones – I wish you all the best in overcoming your struggles :) x

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