I went to see Inception last night. My brain still hurts a little bit, but that is not the point of this post. The point of this post is to provide a little information for the general public, who seem to have forgotten that the cinema is not their personal space.
The following are thoughts that might be had by people attending the cinema. Should you happen to have any of these thoughts, I have provided the solution there for you, so that should hopefully set you up with the answers for cinema attending for the rest of your life.
1. The session is pretty full, but I don’t like my allocated seats, I’ll just sit in these better ones, OK?
NO. Just sit where your tickets tell you to sit. All it takes is matching the letter to the row (that’s a letter, which you might recognise from the alphabet) and then match the number to the number on the seat. Hey presto! You have successfully seated yourself without annoying everyone who is already there. No, don’t argue with the person who shows up and wants to sit in their seat, they have matched the letter and number correctly, you are wrong, just get the hell out of the way.
2. I have brought yummy snacks with me, I’m going to eat them slowly so that they last the duration of the film.
NO. Just eat the stupid things during the previews. Open your loud, crackly packets and get the mouth sounds over with. It is actually possible to sit through a film without eating the whole time, why not see if you can figure out how to do it?
3. I have a thought during the film and believe that my friend must know it, I should probably lean over and tell them.
NO. You are not at home, this is not your lounge room, there is no rewind, shut the hell up. If you have to communicate, a barely a whisper delivered directly into an ear is the only acceptable way to do it. Nobody cares if you can’t follow what’s going on. Your stupidity is your own problem.
4. I have followed the film and understand what’s going on, perhaps I should say this out loud so that everyone has a running commentary of the fact that I understand?
NO. Chances are, if you have figured out what’s going on then everyone else has too. You don’t need to comment on everything that your eyes and ears perceive. Just sit there and shut the hell up. Nobody wants to listen to you saying what you see on account of they have their own eyes (with apologies to the blind and their carers).
5. I have a bladder the size of a peanut, it’s probably a good idea to get up and down a few times to go the toilet, right?
WRONG. Specific medical conditions excluded, you should be able to manage yourself so that you can make it a couple of hours without a trip to the toilet. That’s what they were trying to teach you in school when they didn’t like you going during class. Try thinking about not drinking that litre of soft drink before and during the film, you’d be surprised how much more comfortable you’ll be. If you do have to get up and leave during the film, then you’d better be quiet and appear sorry, none of this prancing around and going in and out as though you are in a nightclub. Appear sorry, you git.
6. My phone is on silent, so it’s not going to ring, it’s OK to send text messages and the like during the film, right?
WRONG. See that screen you are looking at? That is glowing. Glowing. You are creating a light in a purposefully darkened room. Get out. Just, get out.
7. If I’m moving around in my seat, no one will mind if I bump the seat in front if it’s just a little bit.
NO. Actually, they will mind. Stop being so clumsy and careless you long-legged oaf.
8. I’ve come to the movies with a big bunch of my friends. I should really make the effort to speak to each of them at least once before the film ends so that everyone knows how popular I am, even if some of them are sitting four or five seats away.
WRONG. Not only is no one acknowledging your popularity, they hate you. They hate you. If you are always that annoying, then probably even the person you are trying to talk to hates you.
9. I have a bit of a cold and a cough, but I’m feeling better today, so I’ll go to the movies.
DON’T. Just stay home. No, the rest of the cinema is not going to be understanding about the fact that you need to cough just because you have spent a few days feeling sick. In fact, they are going to be completely grossed out by you. Do you really want to be the booger in the room? Just stay home and watch a DVD.
10. The movie has finished, I should probably voice my opinions loudly on the way out of the cinema.
NO. Just shut the hell up until you have moved away from the general crowd. This one isn’t even for me, this one is for you. You generally sound stupid. Most of your comments on obvious plot twists make you sound stupid. Actually, no, I take this one back. Please keep voicing stupid opinions around me whilst I am leaving cinemas…they absolutely crack me up.
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So, there you have it, turns out going to the movies and not annoying everyone isn’t actually that hard. Following this simple guide, any moron can go to the movies without giving away that they are a moron. I think I have done a good thing here. World changing, even.
Last night, I had to sit myself down and give myself a good talking to. I have been stuck in the blues for far too long and I know better than this. I lost my way a bit as far as my physical rehabilitation is concerned and I needed to sit down and admit that so that I could get this little healing train back on its tracks.
It’s hard to just sit and think deep thoughts, especially when you have been studying a lot about the Buddhist concept of ‘emptiness’ and have spent a lot of time practising letting your thoughts rise and fall without giving them meaning that they don’t deserve. So, I turned to the a method that has helped me in little bits, here and there, ever since I learned to write. Keeping a journal. The private kind, not the sharey kind where you are reading this.
Keeping a journal is always a lot more work than you think it’s going to be. I find I’ve always written in spurts and then left it, sometimes for years at a time. The last journal I had has been chronicling my private thoughts for over a decade. It was time for a new start. I have been thinking that for a long time, that’s why I already had a super pretty journal on hand, filled with blank pages and waiting for me to be ready to move forward.
Writing my first entry took a bucketload of courage…I mentioned the blank pages, right? And the pretty? It’s nerve wracking making the first mark on something pretty! I thought about it for a couple of weeks, nearly started it, planned to start it, nearly started it again… several times.
Yesterday was the day that I had had enough. I am tired of feeling depressed. I am tired of letting my pain rule my life. I am tired of not feeling as positive and motivated as I was last year, when I’d just left pain rehab and could see a real future again. I am tired of giving in to negative thoughts and I am tired of not feeling in control. So, I decided that it’s time to change. It’s time to put back into practise the physical techniques that I have learned to overcome this pain, along with the even more important mental ones. It’s time to move forward again.
I woke up this morning and I decided to get things done. Stiff and sore, I got into the day with a Feldenkrais track to loosen up my lower back and consequently the rest of me. I got out my Wii Fit for the first time in 146 days (according the bouncy and talkative Wii Fit Board) and did some balance work. To my surprise, I was topping my old scores without having even been practising. I was rapt with this, it means that my movement and posture in everyday life are improving, even when I feel like I’m going backwards. I’d also lost a couple of kilos, which is always a buzz. To finish up my workout (yep, it really felt like one!) I did ten slow and steady minutes on the exercise bike, followed by some gentle stretching.
Woah, I thought as I looked at the clock, I got all of this done before midday? What have I been doing for the last few months? I am quite determined never to let stress throw me that far out of my way, ever again. I knew there would be consequences for my sudden return to exercise, so I spent the next hour or so soaking in a hot tub and soaking up some Buddhist wisdom. I love the fables, sometimes they just make ideas click. I read quite a bit about meditating on pain, which doesn’t mean thinking about pain so much as focusing on the sensation of it and simply being aware of it without attributing good, bad or any qualities to it other than those that are being physically felt. It’s a technique that I hope to use to help me stop getting upset when things start getting super sore.
A workout might seem like enough, but I had a little more to get back on track than just movement. I can proudly announce that, after 22 days of trying, I have successfully updated my address with Centrelink. I win. It’s that simple. Getting that updated has been clawing at the edges of my mind since I moved, the failed attempts piling up were just causing stress that I don’t need. It’s strange how such a small task can seem so huge when you are seeing the world through a black curtain.
Today I feel truly positive for the first time in a long time. I have felt like I have written so many sad posts, followed by a little bundle of ones with forced positivity, where it was really hard to focus on the good side of things to try and stop myself wallowing in the bad. This is the week for me to turn it around. For the first time in ages, I had a lot of fun at the Rush Premiere and making the video, watching all that cheering and excitement seems to have been a great influence! I’m also feeling good that I don’t feel stupidly positive. I know that extra movement is going to cause extra pain and I am trying to ready myself to deal with it rationally and calmly and thus shorten the recovery periods.
It’s ‘getting back on track in trackies’ day because I didn’t even have to really get dressed to get things done. Ha! I feel like my whole attitude is spinning around and I’ve done it all without even getting out of my trackies (except for the bath, duh).
Several exciting things happened yesterday. It started with the nap that I took early in the afternoon…what, you don’t like a slow build?
I DROVE ALL THE WAY INTO THE CITY. ALL BY MYSELF. I DID. AND I EVEN DROVE HOME AGAIN AFTERWARD AND I AM OK! HURRAH!
Driving myself places makes is like being 18 again. It’s a freedom that being a navigating passenger just can’t provide. Sure, I have to wear sexy, thick soled shoes, thick socks and padded gloves, but who cares? I can drive again. Just as long as I don’t have to do anything the next day that involves leaving the couch.
Why was I driving, all by my lonesome, into a cold and drizzly Melbourne on this wintery Monday night? To meet awesome people, that’s why. With all of my stuck at homedness, I don’t get a lot of opportunities to enjoy the company of people that I don’t already know. Thank goodness there is Twitter. Some time ago, I made a bubbly new friend whilst tweeting about the Australian TV Series Rush. Having met up with Carly once during the comedy festival, I was happy to accept her invite to come and hang out with her at a premiere screening for season 3 of Rush. Turns out that was a good idea! Here’s a little look at the highlights from last night:
Not only did I get to enjoy Carly’s company, I was also privileged enough to meet up with Jenna and Renne, both of whom I have been tweeting with for so long that I can’t even remember how long. Always wonderful to meet online friends in the real world! Especially when they turn out to be friendly, fun people.
Take a breath, this story is about to get even more exciting…I also experienced what must be the exact opposite of becoming acquainted online before in real life! Megan was great fun to hang out amongst hot actor boys with and writes a great blog that I can now enjoy reading – as can you, if you follow that link!!
SO MUCH EXCITEMENT! It’s fun to get excited. It’s fun to have fun!! I am exhausted now, but it was all worth it. My fangirling days are mostly behind me (I think, check back in a month or so when it’s nearly time to be in the same room as Joss Whedon), but I had an awesome time feeding off the fanergy of others. Look, I know that sounds dirty and looks wrong, but it’s staying. One more time…fanergy. Being around excited people is as infectious as being around depressed ones, except in a much, much more brilliant way. I loved hanging out in the fanroom!
Not to mention, those boys are a bit of alright, yes? My prince is shooting across dirty looks every time a Rush promo comes on TV, which is a lot. Being a pretty lazy fan, I kinda tuned out part way through last season, but it would appear that’s my loss. The screening was very entertaining! I like shows that make me laugh and I also like shows where things blow up and Rush packs those together nicely. Not to mention, those boys are a bit of alright, yes? Yes.
Another weekend over…thankfully, this one I actually spent some time enjoying myself! Hurrahs!!
My friend Jen came over on Saturday. I love visitors! Going out can be so much effort and carries such physical cost. Hanging out on the couch and catching up in a comfy manner is far more my style. I always love hanging out with Jen on account of she gets it. It can be hard walking the line as to how much illness talk is too much illness talk with some friends (not that there aren’t many other interesting things to talk about!). With a painie friend, you can talk about illness related things without depressing them or having to explain things in detail. It’s reassuring to be able to relate to someone and not feel so alone in the pain battle. Not to mention that a bit of relaxed company can be an excellent mood booster!
A while ago, Jen and I somehow got to chatting about The Baby-Sitters Club (a book series by Ann M. Martin). I think most girls from my generation read a few or perhaps a hundred of these books growing up. I know that I read so many of them that in some part of my mind I thought about Kristy and the gang as being as real as my real friends! The Baby-Sitters Club is all about the value of friendship in a time when parents would entrust their children into the care of 13-year-olds. No matter what your personality type, there’s a sitter to relate to and when standing on the precipice of puberty, nothing means more to a little girl than her friends. Good, wholesome fun!
Jen and I both grew up reading the books and had loved this film as kids. We decided that it was imperative that we see it again. Sitting down to watch was a total giggle-fest. From the first few moments when a once familiar theme song starts playing to the heartwarming ending, this film is packed with funny. I was surprised to find myself actually giggling along with the script and the players. I had only expected it to be funny in a so bad it’s good way, but it completely sucked me in. There’s something so magical about that age, your whole life is ahead and full of possibility. It’s a mental place that I love to go back to.
I think the next thing to do is get my hands on the tv series that used to run on ABC. The actresses are all clearly older than 13 and the production values are tiny, but I still remember enjoying it a lot. I mean, it’s hard not to when every episode starts like this:
Catching up with Jen was awesome! As awesome as a little trip down a memory lane in Connecticut. Can’t wait to do it again soon.
I have been settling into the new home, although it still feels like the winds are blowing around me pretty intensely. I have been catching up on the goodness waiting in my Google Reader and stumbled across a lovely shout out from Todd at Thoughts Of A Frustrated Visionary. Thank you!
This blog meme didn’t come along with an icky and poorly photoshopped ‘prize’ image, so I thought that I would play along. Ten things about me? That can’t be too hard.
**It turns out it was. It was hard. I’ve been all grumpy and sore so a lot of my thoughts are all negative schmegative. I’m gonna have to spin this meme a bit, stop focusing on now because now is a little depressing.
Here are ten confessions from happier times:
I once made friends with a step. The outdoor, concrete type. It was in my primary school and I remember sitting on it when there were days that I had no friends. I named him Steppy. I talked to him. I even took care to always step over him and not on him. I really felt a lot for Steppy, maybe I’ll go and visit him soon.
When I was in grade one, my teacher jokingly declared that she was going to marry the boy that I had a crush on because he was being helpful. I didn’t understand the joking part. I stood up and told her loudly that she wasn’t going to marry him because he was MY boyfriend (which he wasn’t). I think I had to go and sit in the corridor after that.
There was a girl who lived around the corner from me for a while whom I didn’t like very much. For some reason, when you are kids, that doesn’t stop you continually playing together until you inevitably fight again. After one fight, I took my anger out on her in the school yard with a serious dacking. Oh yes, I dropped her pants to her ankles. Fortunately for all of us, I didn’t get her knickers. Look, I’m sure there are plenty of dackings from my youth that I have forgotten, but never this one. You see, she didn’t pull them up. She just screamed until a teacher came and pulled them up. I felt that this was about the best reaction to a dacking that one could hope for. Despite the hilarity, I can see the wrongness of my actions now, neighbour girl, and if you happen to be reading, I am sorry.
Once, on school camp, I displayed my awesome by climbing out the window of our cabin, just for awesome’s sake. Later, at dinner, the teachers announced that a girl had been seen climbing out of the window and that this was hugely disrespectful and that she was expected to come and apologise after dinner. I was terrified. Later, when I had just about gotten up the courage to confess, I saw another girl talking to the teachers and camp running people. It looked like she was confessing. Phew, I thought, that gets me off the hook. I guess now I’ll never know if someone else was as awesome as me for jumping out the window, but slightly less awesome because their guilt did them in before mine did and in some way that felt like a win.
There is a historical park/museum thingie down at Warnambool. I was once let loose there with a friend at an age when being let loose was still a novelty. We were exploring a teeny tiny church from the olden days when I decided that life would be better if I jumped the barrier that was separating me from an enormous bible and turned the page. Ain’t no velvet rope gonna keep me out, I thought. As soon as I was over it an alarm sounded through the entire park/museum thingie that scared a good sprinting out of my friend and I. We spent a while hiding, you know, in case they were hunting us down but we were never caught. I’ve always regretted that I got scared before I actually got to turn that damn page.
My first crush was on Lucky Luke. Yep, the cartoon cowboy. I thought he was hot. I also had a thing for Astro Boy.
When I was a kid, I had a book called Racketty Packetty House. It was about living dolls. It was very old, it was very awesome. I read it again and again and again. I don’t know what happened to it and it haunts me to this day. I can’t seem to stop grieving for it.
My parents weren’t all that strict on me watching horror movies when I was young. I understood that they weren’t real, it was all in good fun. What they should have stopped me watching was Old Yeller. Oh God, it still hurts to think about it…
That said, I did have to secretly say goodnight to my porcelain dolls every night. You know, so they wouldn’t kill me in my sleep.
I lived in the same street the whole time that I was growing up. There were a lot of families who did the same, but also a couple of houses that brought us rent-a-neighbours. Once we had rent-a-neighbours with kids who loved to leave all of their toys in the backyard. I got bored one day and they weren’t home so I totally jumped the fence and just played with their toys. All by myself. I committed break and playery.
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Oh yes, that was more fun than thinking about now. Good times, indeed.
Now for ten of the blogs that I like, in no particular order and with a bit of subject variety:
Going Down Swinging: A RSD/CRPS Blog – Maria consistently inspires me on my own CRPS journey! Painfully Optimistic – Another CRPS blogger who helps me remember to focus on the positives. So Now What? – Bern is always finding the funny. Casey’s Musings – A blog that I have been reading as long as I have been reading blogs. Always full of pretty. Drifter And The Gypsy – If you like whimsical, pretty pictures and stuff. Tune Into Radio Carly. For All Things Irrelevant. – I love good, personal bloggers and Carly always has an interesting perspective on something to post. Pop Couture – I love pop culture and the way it keeps me entertained. I also love the variety of topics both current and once popular that Kim writes about. Chelsea Greene Lewta – Not even sure how I originally came across this artist, but I have been loving her style for a while now! Body In Mind – Lots of interesting pain and brain type stuff. Daydream Lily – Always with the pretty.
Feel like I have fallen off the rails of recovery a bit lately, with all the stress and the move and what not. Time to take some time to remember the things that I need to remember to keep myself sane and progressing, rather than regressing.
Check me out, all smiling and what not. This photo is only a couple of days old, I can still smile. I need to spend more time focusing on that and less on being mopey and grumpy about the things that are hard.
It is understandable that when life gets stressful you will feel more pain, more fatigue and that this will affect your mood. Sometimes it’s hard to keep sight of life’s good side, but it is always there.
Going backwards a little bit isn’t going backwards the whole way. You have still learnt everything you have learnt on this CRPS journey. How to handle flares and stay calm is knowledge that you still possess but simply haven’t been applying very well lately. You can jump back on the meditation and rehabilitation train as soon as you are ready, remember, all those small movements forward were a slow process anyway, getting back into things will also take time.
Winter can make things seem gloomier than they are. The sky is grey. The air is cold. The ground is wet. We haven’t had a real Winter around here for a while, don’t rule out that in some way the lack of sunshine is playing a part in the blues you are feeling.
Sometimes, you just have to take a break. We all need time to rest. Living with CRPS might not be something you can take a holiday from, but you can organise your life so that there is a bit more time just to spend alone, resting and regaining focus.
You are loved. How did this not make point number one?
You have things to offer. You aren’t the active person that you used to be, but your friendship is still valuable, you still have the ability to engage with others and enrich their lives in small ways. You are not a burden just because you carry one.
It’s ok to scream sometimes. Sure, you hope that one day you will be so in control that you don’t let your own perceptions and reactions to push you to that point, but in the meantime, wouldn’t you rather have a little scream and a sob and get that those frustrations out than suppress them and spend all of your time angry and resentful?
You are a lot further along the path to recovery than you were twelve months ago. You have regained the ability to walk unaided, even if you can’t go as far as you like and the ability to walk is often restricted without warning, you CAN walk. Don’t forget what it was like when you were stuck in a one bedroom apartment on the second floor and often didn’t leave the apartment for a week at a time. You have come a long way since then.
You can drive now. Maybe it’s not constant freedom, but where does that exist anyway? Who really has constant freedom? Be happy with the fact that you are in a position to keep trying, keep building up resistance to the pain triggers in the car and keep moving forward.
You are supported and understood, even though it often doesn’t feel that way. Sure, there are plenty of doctors and specialists that don’t understand and plenty of people in your life that don’t really want to understand. That’s not a big deal, because there are also plenty of people who do. You have amazing family and friends. Audy is always there for you. So are Sammy and Lucy.
You will get back on track. It’s ok to take some time out from staying up to date with the whole world sometimes. It’s ok to let your Google Reader get full of chunky goodness and then catch up with your blogging buddies when your brain is open for input.
The next time you spend a couple of weeks in a funk, remember these things and never lose sight of the life you see up ahead. The one where pain isn’t the ruler and there is more joy than sadness.
Your’s Sincerely,
Caf’s Sensible Side
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OK. Ready to get back to being a better version of me now.
Moving is hard work. Even when other people have to do all the packing and moving for you. I hate to sound ungrateful, but sitting and watching while other people pack and move all your personal belongings can feel pretty crappy. It’s just another reminder of what I can’t do at the moment.
I love my new house! It is awesome, quiet and free of badgering real estate agents. I am waiting to for the stress to release and the relaxing to begin, however things aren’t quite going that way. I have still had too many appointments.
Sammy driving us over to the new place…
A rainbow on moving day has to be a good sign, right?
This week I’ve had an oral surgeon roll his eyes at me when I mentioned my CRPS during a consultation regarding the removal of my wisdom teeth. Yes, he literally rolled his eyes and would not let me finish my sentence regarding how the pain affects my jaw. Now I will have to go and pay another one for a consultation just because of his ignorance. I also questioned my pain specialist regarding the operation and was told that CRPS isn’t usually effected by oral things. After years of excruciating facial pain, I know this isn’t true and I don’t even have the strength to argue about it anymore. If my pain specialist doesn’t really understand what is wrong with me, then who am I supposed to turn to? Who am I supposed to ask for help? I feel like pain doctors are just a complete joke, they never want to write letters, consult with other practitioners or sign their names to anything. I feel like I often don’t get the help I need simply because they are afraid that if they make a mistake or say the wrong thing then they’ll be sued. I am so tired of trying to explain myself to people who don’t want to listen. I am so tired of having to be so complicated and always being treated like my complications are a deliberate attack on a doctor’s time.
I have been flaring from head to toe, the most frustrating of which is my ankles. They keep giving out on me with no warning at all, no twist in the step, nothing but a normal step followed by hours of agony. My hands have been flaring like crazy and yesterday my jaw even managed to flare itself around to the side again. Still in the socket, thank goodness, but I looked a bit like a camel. It’s a bit better today.
I am having trouble handling all of the flaring emotionally. All the people who normally help to take care of me don’t really want to hear about it anymore. Nobody asks how bad things are when I am in pain anymore, they just look disappointed. Perhaps they are just disappointed at my body, like I am, but it sure does make it feel like I am making everyone else’s life harder just by being in pain. It makes me feel really lonely, I don’t have the strength to talk to new people and build relationships right now, so when the people closest to me have had enough, what am I supposed to do? I am just trying to wait it out. When you are an adult and the best fantasy escape you can come up with is to run away, literally just walk out the door and go to wherever runaways go, then life has handed you about as many lemons as you can take. Actually, I think life has been handing me onions, cause they sure do make me cry a lot.
The good news is that I am having some friends over tonight! I am hoping that some wine and fun distraction will prove a helping hand to get out of my funk. Hopefully I will be able to stand up by then.
Oooh! Ooooooooh! I am feeling better today, hurrah! This quite often happens after I’ve blogged about what a shitty time I’ve been having, I’m not quite sure if the internet magically informs the universe that I need a break from the blues, or if venting is just a highly beneficial thing to do, or if the Internet IS The Powers That Be. Sometimes I feel like such a complainer, but hey, if letting it out makes me feel better then it’s all good! But enough on that, for we mustn’t dwell. Not today. Not on House Packing Day! (Although, like you, I wish it was also Rex Manning day…Oh Rexy, you’re so sexy!)
So, why am I feeling better today? To start with, I slept, like, all night. I did not wake up in a cold sweat at 4am, nor have to get up at 7am because it hurt too much to stay in bed. Sleep always makes for a nice change!
Secondly, I saw my Feldenkrais practitioner this morning, by the time I left I had a neck that felt about twice as long as the one I walked in with. It’s a bit delicate and heatpack needy this afternoon, but the benefits of having loosened up my neck and shoulders will keep coming over the next few days. CRPS tends to cause the body to have trouble accepting change, even when that change is essentially good. It’s just a whole part of the being ‘highly sensitised’ thing.
Thirdly, today is packing day. Packing day could be quite frustrating as I can’t really do much and I have to watch other people moving all my stuff. I have control issues and having to watch other people do things that I would like to be doing for myself is a part of my condition that I have trouble accepting.
I have found that throwing things out is, for some reason, much easier than it has been before. Why do I need VHS tapes? Why do I need clothes that don’t fit? Why do I need to be reminded that size 10 used to work for me?! Why, on Earth, do I need burnt CDs when I have an iPhone? Why do I need anything that has been in a box since the last time I moved?
The answer to all of these questions is: I don’t.
I don’t need all this stuff weighing me down and periodically causing me upset as I am reminded of the life that I no longer lead. That girl that needed corporate wear just isn’t around anymore, there’s no sense hanging on to her clothes.
The Salvo’s (or similar establishment) can expect a lovely donation from me in the near future. Goodbye, old things, I hope that you find joy in your new adventures!
I had a lovely day yesterday. Well, at least parts of it were lovely. I caught up with a friend for her birthday, ate some yums and saw a movie (Robin Hood, it was ever so not amazing). I even managed to score a pair of new pants in a kind of wandering, not really shopping but saw a bargain sort of way. It was the first time that I have been out of the house in weeks to do something fun, rather than attend an appointment and it was a nice change.
Exhausting, though. Having fun is so extremely exhausting. I had to have a sleep afterward. I have been finding myself needing sleeps in the afternoon more and more frequently. It is tiresome (pun intended, who doesn’t love puns?!). I feel like it doesn’t matter what I try to do to get some sort of enjoyment into my life, I have to pay for it tenfold, in pain. I am so sick of it that recently I have been daydreaming about going back into hospital…yeah, you read that right. I just need a break, I need for everyday tasks to stop happening every day so that I have the energy to focus on healing. It’s hard to believe that the days have become so unmanageable that I feel like I need that level of care.
I thought that taking down the real estate bully would finally allow me a sense of relief, but it seems that could still be quite a way off. I have managed to hurt my left shoulder (it was the right shoulder last time) just bending over or something insignificant. It was possibly while I was blowdrying my hair. The left shoulder pain has meant I’ve spent most of the day wincing and wiggling around because it hurts to lay down and sit up. It hurts right through my back, arms and hands, as well as my neck, jaw and head. Yep, a tiny little wrong movement and I am all a shambles again. I wish I had better news.
I’m always wishing that I had better news. I feel like I have had this illness for so long now that the people in my life don’t really understand anymore. If I tell people about a new injury, it’s just shrugged off or labelled as “just a reaction to such and such”. I hate that word, JUST. There is nothing just about CRPS pain. Ever. Imagine I speared you through the shoulder and then told you not to worry about that pain, that’s just the spear.
The thing is that people who are suffering just don’t express it the same way as people suffering acute pain. It’s imperative to stay positive and I think that often the people around me attribute my positivity as a sign that I am feeling better, when really I’m hurting just as much and exhausting myself even further to try and remain positive enough to interact with people. I am so tired of telling people about whatever new injury or incapacitation that I have suffered that I’ve just stopped wanting to even want to talk to my friends. I don’t want to ‘catch up’ and I hate feeling like this. Company is nice, I like company, I just prefer the kind where I don’t have to tell you what’s been happening in the last six months, or tell you what’s hurting at that moment, or require you to physically help me because I am incapable of even the simplest task (eg: getting a glass of water).
I hate it when I don’t have anything positive to blog about and yet all these awful, bottled up feelings that I need to put somewhere. Blogging is so much more therapeutic than talking to people. You never interrupt me, Audy, you wait until I’ve finished and hit publish and I love you for that. Sometimes a person just doesn’t want to have to keep explaining what they are saying as they are saying it, ya know? I feel like so many of my real life conversations are just me trying to communicate how much pain I’m in because I need help to do something and I need to be able to explain why I can’t do it myself. I wish that people would just accept that I need help, but even those who love me the most still expect me to be able to do certain things, even if they don’t do it consciously.
Today did have a positive, at least. I saw an oral medicine specialist and I am having a splint made to try and stop my jaw troubles. It was nice to hear from him that the TMD is a separate problem to the CRPS, it just means the pain is exacerbated. I’m having trouble believing that I suffered subluxation of my jaw twice, saw two oral surgeons and spent weeks in pain rehab trying to get it to work again and yet not one doctor or physio has mentioned that a splint might help my jaw. I have just had the bad reaction fobbed off as a result of the CRPS and so the real problem hasn’t been treated and so the pain has continued to get worse. It’s like as soon as you are a chronic pain patient then every single thing that happens to your body is attributed as a symptom of that. If someone had suggested a splint to me after the first or even second subluxation, then I might have been saved the last 12-24 months of facial agony. Just having the mould made was a nice rest for my jaw, I am quite certain that the splint is going to help significantly.
So, yeah, I guess I do have some good news, just in so much pain right now that it was kind of hard to see. Once I get done being frustrated that none of the oral specialists that I paid to help me in the past bothered to look past the fact that I have CRPS and left me to suffer, I am sure that I will be able to find happiness in the fact that perhaps once the splint arrives, things might stop going continually backwards. Don’t forget, a jaw problem doesn’t just mean a jaw problem for me, it means my neck, shoulder, back, hips even are affected. Accepting that I am actually suffering high levels of pain in all those areas might be hard to understand, but trust me, it’s even harder to tolerate.
It’s been a bit of a rough trot lately, so I’m pretty excited to be able to write and tell you that I am feeling significantly better! Hurrah!! This feeling of relief has a lot to do with having a rental application accepted (Hurrah!!), my shoulder and hands calming enough to not be driving me insane (although not quite good enough to Hurrah over) and also the fact that I got the opportunity to have a go at the real estate agent who has been stressing me out over the past couple of months (HURRAH!!).
Yeah, I wrote “have a go”…that’s exactly what happened. This real estate agent is not with the agency that I am currently renting through, for some reason the owner decided to go with this weasly little toad rather than the well respected agency he was already with. I initially wasn’t opposed to having inspections, however, from the word go this agent was pushy, rude and manipulative. I do not like being lied to, especially when there is just no reason for it. Are interpersonal skills really that hard to learn? Is it really that hard to notice that selling a house is easier if you have the person living in it onside?
Angered by being badgered by this man (up to six calls a day), I became difficult. I have been avoiding talking to him as I do have a tendency to say what I think when it comes to little pricks and I didn’t really want to cause trouble. Having met my temper in the past, my mother and prince helped out with fielding some of the calls. The day before yesterday, Agent Arse decided to assert his immense power as a real estate agent and bring a 24 hours prior written notice to my door, which is the legal requirement for a landlord or agent to enter a rental property. Once he was done relaying this information, I asked if he was telling the truth this time. I then proceeded to point out every occasion in which he had lied to me, my mother and my prince and inform him that I wasn’t letting him back in my home. Stuff your little piece of paper, mate, if I don’t want to let you in the door, you’re really not getting in without a cop or a gun. My berating induced a lot of “I don’t know what you’re referring to”’s, however the wringing hands, shaking head and dodging eyes told me otherwise and sparked several “Of course you don’t, you’re not going to admit it, are you?”’s from me.
It was ever so much fun. There is nothing quite as satisfying as actually being able to vent your anger at the cause of it. CRPS never wrings its guilty hands when I yell at it.
I did allow an inspection, however, I made sure Agent Arse knew that he, personally, was not coming in my home and that he could send another agent or not bother showing up at all. Another agent came and, for some stupid reason, the landlord. He is convinced that I’m the reason that his property hasn’t sold. Other than the weekend when we had had enough and would not allow an open for inspection, we have not stopped anyone coming through.
I actually feel some sympathy for the landlord. This property should have sold quickly, however Agent Arse is ever so cleverly advertising it as more than it is. Anyone who has been here would realise that there are most definitely not two living areas. Prospective buyers are continually disappointed with the property – I assume their sanity lets them know that they could afford a three bedroom house on a decent sized property for what they are trying to wring out of this two bedroom, unit sized house. My sympathy is pretty thinly spread, however, I did inform the landlord after the first occurrence of real estate agent bullying and he chose to believe that the ripe old “agent” (his name is on nothing, can only assume that he doesn’t even have a license) knew everything.
I’ll be moving in two weeks. I managed to get accepted at a really nice property and I am thanking the universe for that. I was very worried that my desperation would see me stuck somewhere crappy for the next twelve months. I can’t wait for all this stress to be over and to not have to deal with these pushy people anymore. I pay rent, which entitles me to quiet enjoyment of my property, which has not been possible with Agent Arse and the landlord hounding me.
It would have all been over in a fortnight whether I’d scolded the agent or not, but geez, I’m glad I did. Sometimes things just need to be said and far too many pricks are allowed to go around acting like pricks because nobody pulls them up on it. Never let anyone treat you like they are better or more powerful than you…unless that person has the power to kill you or send you to prison, use your brains, bullystanderuptoers.
Greetings! Welcome to the blog of some chick from Melbourne. I like pretty things, creating things, writing things & mocking things. I live with Complex Regional Pain Syndrome (CRPS), also known as Reflex Sympathetic Dystrophy (RSD), a painful and poorly understood neurological condition. Life isn't all doom and gloom though, Rellacafa is where I share the struggles and success along the way.
