Feel like I have fallen off the rails of recovery a bit lately, with all the stress and the move and what not. Time to take some time to remember the things that I need to remember to keep myself sane and progressing, rather than regressing.
Check me out, all smiling and what not. This photo is only a couple of days old, I can still smile. I need to spend more time focusing on that and less on being mopey and grumpy about the things that are hard.
(pic by johnxlewis)
A Letter To Me:
It is understandable that when life gets stressful you will feel more pain, more fatigue and that this will affect your mood. Sometimes it’s hard to keep sight of life’s good side, but it is always there.
Going backwards a little bit isn’t going backwards the whole way. You have still learnt everything you have learnt on this CRPS journey. How to handle flares and stay calm is knowledge that you still possess but simply haven’t been applying very well lately. You can jump back on the meditation and rehabilitation train as soon as you are ready, remember, all those small movements forward were a slow process anyway, getting back into things will also take time.
Winter can make things seem gloomier than they are. The sky is grey. The air is cold. The ground is wet. We haven’t had a real Winter around here for a while, don’t rule out that in some way the lack of sunshine is playing a part in the blues you are feeling.
Sometimes, you just have to take a break. We all need time to rest. Living with CRPS might not be something you can take a holiday from, but you can organise your life so that there is a bit more time just to spend alone, resting and regaining focus.
You are loved. How did this not make point number one?
You have things to offer. You aren’t the active person that you used to be, but your friendship is still valuable, you still have the ability to engage with others and enrich their lives in small ways. You are not a burden just because you carry one.
It’s ok to scream sometimes. Sure, you hope that one day you will be so in control that you don’t let your own perceptions and reactions to push you to that point, but in the meantime, wouldn’t you rather have a little scream and a sob and get that those frustrations out than suppress them and spend all of your time angry and resentful?
You are a lot further along the path to recovery than you were twelve months ago. You have regained the ability to walk unaided, even if you can’t go as far as you like and the ability to walk is often restricted without warning, you CAN walk. Don’t forget what it was like when you were stuck in a one bedroom apartment on the second floor and often didn’t leave the apartment for a week at a time. You have come a long way since then.
You can drive now. Maybe it’s not constant freedom, but where does that exist anyway? Who really has constant freedom? Be happy with the fact that you are in a position to keep trying, keep building up resistance to the pain triggers in the car and keep moving forward.
You are supported and understood, even though it often doesn’t feel that way. Sure, there are plenty of doctors and specialists that don’t understand and plenty of people in your life that don’t really want to understand. That’s not a big deal, because there are also plenty of people who do. You have amazing family and friends. Audy is always there for you. So are Sammy and Lucy.
You will get back on track. It’s ok to take some time out from staying up to date with the whole world sometimes. It’s ok to let your Google Reader get full of chunky goodness and then catch up with your blogging buddies when your brain is open for input.
The next time you spend a couple of weeks in a funk, remember these things and never lose sight of the life you see up ahead. The one where pain isn’t the ruler and there is more joy than sadness.
Caf’s Sensible Side
OK. Ready to get back to being a better version of me now.
Love & Eye Opening,