Overwhelmed.

Dear Audy,

I might have been a little too hopeful in pronouncing my current predicament “just a flare“.

It’s not acting like a flare at all. It’s not responding to the management techniques that usually help to alleviate and control my pain.

It’s continually worsening. The pain level is remaining between 9-9.9/10. I refuse to rate the pain 10, I might have mentioned this in an earlier post – rating the pain 10/10 just seems to make it try to beat its top score.

The swollen area pictured in my previous post was swelling up and going down, it is now remaining swollen. The area is extremely sensitive, just brushing a finger over the skin causes me to wince.

My mobility has become a joke, I can barely place the foot on the floor. Crutches aren’t really an option for me anymore because of the weakness and pain in my hands. It’s hobble or wheel…and I can’t really wheel inside the house.

This constant level of extreme pain is playing havoc with my insides. I have not had pain that I would rate as high as 9.9/10 in quite a while. Not since before I stopped taking Lyrica.

A clearer head has made observing the impact of the flare a little more interesting. I swear that I can feel the impulses battering at my brain. Knock knock knock knock KNOCK! Enough pain signals get in to cause agony, but I can feel more of them trying to force their way into my consciousness.

What happens to the signals that don’t make it to being perceived as pain? They try their hand at being anxiety. I can feel my body buzzing with the excess signals, I keep catching detrimental thinking patterns trying to emerge.

The link between pain and anxiety has never felt more physically clear to me.

Concentration is continually just out of grasp. I’m finding it hard to generate helpful thinking in order to drown out the damaging kind. Paying attention to what I’m reading or writing is really difficult at the moment.

There’s really not a lot that I can do. I have appointments with both my regular GP and my pain specialist this week, so I will get them to examine it and see if they can tell what’s going on.

Managing this level of pain is so, so difficult. I want to scream, cry, open the door and run away. I have gone from basic functioning to actually missing dinner twice this week due to an inability to prepare or go and pick up food. Yep, I can’t even feed myself.

Staying off my foot is no longer bringing relief. Sure, it hurts more if I try to stand up, but not trying is now almost as painful. There really is no escape.

I feel trapped and disappointed and frustrated as all Hell. I want to adjust to my situation and keep making the best of things, but I’m falling short of pulling that off.

I am trying not to think about how long this could go on for. I am trying to focus on releasing tension. I am trying to follow the advice that I’d give me, if I was someone else.

Falling backwards always takes some time to cope with.

Mentally, I am doing better than I was during the week, I guess. I’m starting to get used to being in this level of pain. I am sad though.

This is the type of unpredictable CRPS situation that reminds me of all the parts of life that I miss terribly. There are so many parts.

When even my little day-to-day achievements stop being possible, life gets pretty grey.

I’ll keep trying to fight the mental coping battle, I have well and truly lost this particular physical round.

Love & Sighs,
Caf

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  • 10 thoughts on “Overwhelmed.

    1. Russell Nulty

      Thank you for posting how you cope (or don’t) with your chronic pain. I myself suffer with Rheumatoid Arthritis, however the pain is being managed semi ok with meds. But the fatigue it is causing is unbelievable, it just brings me down physically and mentally. Sometimes it’s so overwhelming that I just don’t cope well, and can relate to some of your post. Know that you are not alone, and will get through this. I am more thankful for the little things, take pleasure in them .

      1. Hayley Cafarella Post author

        Thanks so much, Russell. Sorry for such a delay in my reply, I am still trying to get through this period of being overwhelmed! Life goes a little bit too quickly for me sometimes. I hope that you are doing well, thanks so much for taking the time to read and write to me :)

    2. Shauna

      Caf,

      Oh honey how I hated reading your sadness in between the lines of your post. Or maybe not so in-between-any-lines…..

      I know the frustration you feel honey and the strength that I know you have is still there….yet when you feel the way you have been, it is very hard to stay strong.

      Just writing down how you feel is showing strength that you still have lots of deep inside. You have given me strength and I hope that I can return the favor when you are down.

      I am thinking of you, praying for you, and I truly hope that this ‘phase'(?) passes soon.

      Gentle Hugs for my sweet friend—-<3

      Shauna

      1. Hayley Cafarella Post author

        Thanks, Shauna! It helps so much to know that people are able to understand what I’m going through when the tough times happen. I mean, this post was over a month ago and I’m only just catching up on replies, that doesn’t make sense in a “normal” blogger’s life LOL! I shall keep trying and eventually I’ll be on top of things :) xx

    3. Kimberley

      Gosh. I wish there was something I could say, or help with.. but I really don’t know how I’d imagine this level of pain you’re going through. Just know i”m here if you need me, or you can text me anytime.. wishing I could be more helpful. x

      1. Hayley Cafarella Post author

        Just knowing that you are there helps! And the twitter company! Thanks so much for this comment, I’ve taken a million years to reply but it really helped me to get my strength back knowing that I have support :) xx

    4. Cindy

      As I read your last post, I realize the flair I have been dealing with the last few days is minimal. My pain goes up to about an 8 in the evening and getting up to go to bed is something I put off as long as I can. I am very sensitive to the heat, and if my carefully controlled a.c. in the house doesn’t quite keep my surroundings cool enough, I suffer. Last night I collapsed next to my bed, and my husband caught me, as I felt it coming on and told him I was going to feint. Once I got into bed and rested a bit, the meds won over the pain, and I was able to sleep. There is nothing that will help this problem except keeping my house like a refrigerator :/
      Are you taking any of your meds now? I know you wanted to be off Lyrica and others… but I hate to see you suffer so. Of course, it is totally your choice, but where you are now is a tough place to live… I have been there; and when it is that bad, you merely try to get through the day, and hope that miraculously the next day won’t be as bad. Gentle hugs, my friend. xo

      1. Hayley Cafarella Post author

        I am very sensitive the heat/humidity too! I have similar issues with having to get the balance just right, or I’m flaring before I know it. I am still off the Lyrica, after the initial rocky transition period, I pretty much reverted to how I was when I was on the medication, so I don’t think it was actually helping any. I take Tramadol, switched to the slow release recently, which has helped. I take 50mg or 100mg if I’m having a particularly sore day. It’s nice, now that I don’t take as much medication, when I do take it I can feel the benefits a lot more :)

    5. Della

      Overwhelmed…. such a fitting word! I’m so very sorry!! I still don’t have Internet, so catch up as I can at the library and such. I hope and pray you feel better very soon!!

      1. Hayley Cafarella Post author

        My goodness, I’ve been so overwhelmed lately that I can’t believe how many replies I hadn’t gotten to! I hope that you are doing well Della! Are you settled in your new place? xx

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