I might have been a little too hopeful in pronouncing my current predicament “just a flare“.
It’s not acting like a flare at all. It’s not responding to the management techniques that usually help to alleviate and control my pain.
It’s continually worsening. The pain level is remaining between 9-9.9/10. I refuse to rate the pain 10, I might have mentioned this in an earlier post – rating the pain 10/10 just seems to make it try to beat its top score.
The swollen area pictured in my previous post was swelling up and going down, it is now remaining swollen. The area is extremely sensitive, just brushing a finger over the skin causes me to wince.
My mobility has become a joke, I can barely place the foot on the floor. Crutches aren’t really an option for me anymore because of the weakness and pain in my hands. It’s hobble or wheel…and I can’t really wheel inside the house.
This constant level of extreme pain is playing havoc with my insides. I have not had pain that I would rate as high as 9.9/10 in quite a while. Not since before I stopped taking Lyrica.
A clearer head has made observing the impact of the flare a little more interesting. I swear that I can feel the impulses battering at my brain. Knock knock knock knock KNOCK! Enough pain signals get in to cause agony, but I can feel more of them trying to force their way into my consciousness.
What happens to the signals that don’t make it to being perceived as pain? They try their hand at being anxiety. I can feel my body buzzing with the excess signals, I keep catching detrimental thinking patterns trying to emerge.
The link between pain and anxiety has never felt more physically clear to me.
Concentration is continually just out of grasp. I’m finding it hard to generate helpful thinking in order to drown out the damaging kind. Paying attention to what I’m reading or writing is really difficult at the moment.
There’s really not a lot that I can do. I have appointments with both my regular GP and my pain specialist this week, so I will get them to examine it and see if they can tell what’s going on.
Managing this level of pain is so, so difficult. I want to scream, cry, open the door and run away. I have gone from basic functioning to actually missing dinner twice this week due to an inability to prepare or go and pick up food. Yep, I can’t even feed myself.
Staying off my foot is no longer bringing relief. Sure, it hurts more if I try to stand up, but not trying is now almost as painful. There really is no escape.
I feel trapped and disappointed and frustrated as all Hell. I want to adjust to my situation and keep making the best of things, but I’m falling short of pulling that off.
I am trying not to think about how long this could go on for. I am trying to focus on releasing tension. I am trying to follow the advice that I’d give me, if I was someone else.
Falling backwards always takes some time to cope with.
Mentally, I am doing better than I was during the week, I guess. I’m starting to get used to being in this level of pain. I am sad though.
This is the type of unpredictable CRPS situation that reminds me of all the parts of life that I miss terribly. There are so many parts.
When even my little day-to-day achievements stop being possible, life gets pretty grey.
I’ll keep trying to fight the mental coping battle, I have well and truly lost this particular physical round.
Love & Sighs,