My Mind Is A Deep Blue Sea…Or Something

Dear Audy,

Even though the pain has been phenomenal, I am actually coping better with late Summer than I have in previous years. I can recognise that these flares are seasonal, they come around every year with the humidity and they will recede into Autumn.

I’ve been concentrating on the physical so much that my mind has felt like it’s straying off in all directions. I haven’t been up for much writing or communicating (look, I’m not even convinced this post makes sense, but I’m giving it a go). Real changes do take a lot of effort. I have noticed lately that I’m just not thinking all that much. I am purposefully expelling negative thoughts but kind of not focusing on other thoughts either.

It’s fairly easy to stop focusing on thoughts that only lead me down rambling roads, through crazy tangents filled with random associations and usually end in a pool of WTF.

Lion face, RARR!

If the thought isn’t about how I can best handle and lower my pain, or feel happier in a moment, then out the window it goes.

My brain feels kind of muddled, which I guess is not surprising, considering how much time I have been devoting to Feldenkrais and messing with the patterns in my nervous system. It’s all connected. It feels a bit like I ripped up my brain and threw the pieces in the air and now I am just waiting for them to reassemble as they settle back into more helpfully organised working order.

Motivating myself to spend hours doing Feldenkrais actually gets more difficult when I’m doing well. I spend so much of my time feeling unwell, that feeling well makes me want to run out into the sunshine and sing at whatever I can find (flowers, birds, park goers…you’ve seen Enchanted, right?).

It can be a surprise to realise that I’ve modified my pain management efforts as things have gotten easier to manage. I was doing a lot of freestyle stretching and movement, however that is not as effective as a disciplined Feldenkrais session.

Each day, I choose a Feldenkrais ATM (Awareness Through Movement) track from my collection. I work my way through that and then through further tracks if I feel it necessary. Feldenkrais is all about listening to your body and learning to be your own guide.

I had been so out of practise that I had forgotten how helpful these sessions can be. It’s like massaging the nervous system and the relaxation and pain relief seem to have little to do with the actual movements of the session.

Trying to marry the thoughts of working with the brain via movement is a vast task. Just when I think I’m ready to kiss the bride, an old habit will sneak back in, an old pattern that I then need to unlearn again. This past week, the lesson that I have been focusing on is that I will always feel better after a Feldenkrais session (provided that I keep the movements small and easy).

I will also feel better after this down time from thinking creatively. Well, that’s not exactly it…my rambling tangents in which characters, actors and cartoons mix for wild adventures with household appliances are plenty creative, it’s just not that useful to me when I don’t have the presence of mind to moderate it. With my moderator just throwing things out instead of providing them with meaning or deconstructing the nuttiness, I kind of feel like I’m on a bit of a trip. It’s not quite ketamine, but it’s not quite a usual state of consciousness either.

I am keeping calm, I am taking pride in each small action and I am working through areas of pain, one at a time. I definitely miss being able to think, however I am extremely confident that once my body settles, my mind will return… and it might even be working better than before!

“That’s all, folks” – Caf’s Tuesday Brain

Love & Images of Lucy Hale ninja fighting Freddy Krueger (just stop it, brain),

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  • 5 thoughts on “My Mind Is A Deep Blue Sea…Or Something

    1. Sarah Bellany

      Thinking is underrated isn’t it. I definitely miss it when it’s gone.

      I hope it comes back a bit for you soon, in the meantime it sounds like you are coping extremely well.

      I always find your blogs and coping mechanisms (even thought we have medical stuff happening) very inspiring. I think feel the same way about proper guided meditations as you do about feldenkrais. I know it helps but as I feel better, I am less inclined to do it.

      By the way, that post totally made sense, well it did to me. Maybe because I have seen Enchanted. :)

      x Sarah

      1. Hayley Cafarella Post author

        Thanks, Sarah! It is amazing how much I miss being able to think. I really hate the run on effects like not being up to phone calls and responding to things and then worrying that everybody thinks I am a sell-out of a friend…but can’t worry about that stuff too much. All I can do is keep trying to get better at organising myself.

        Feldenkrais is actually a lot like guided meditation. I find it easier to stay engaged because of the tiny movements being made and the voice guiding me through it all. Helps keep the useless thoughts at bay – I have more trouble doing that during straight meditation. It’s nice to have both in my toolkit :)

        Wishing you luck and relief for the day ahead! xoxo

    2. Ross

      Your doing a really great job coping with all of this right now. I can relate in so many ways to you right now. When I read your site, sometimes I can’t help but think “Yes” this is exactly the way I feel today. Keep up the fight!

      1. Hayley Cafarella Post author

        Thanks, Ross! I feel the same when I read your posts. Our methods and situations might be different, but it’s nice to have a fellow (blogging) traveler along the journey to keep finding the positives in what we can! 😀 x

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