Mustering My Mental Might & Ploughing Onward

Dear Audy,

Yesterday was a really good day. I managed to get up in the actual morning, get some laundry done, vacuum and mop the floors, vacuum the couch and organise the paperwork for most of my Centrelink application for Disability. The best part about the day was that I did things in stages, took regular breaks and made it to the evening without hurting myself, albeit a little tired and sore.

20100114 Lounge & Centrelink Form

Sometime during the afternoon, as I looked up information for my application, I tweeted this:

20100114 Twitter Snapshot


It was strange, you see, staring into that old compile of certificates, achievement and promise. There were references from people who appreciated me a decade ago and aren’t in my life today, programs from plays and short films that once took over my life for months at a time and are no longer a part of it at all. A sadness crept into my quiet room as I remembered how I used to feel as a young adult, how I thought I would do nothing but keep heading upwards and create an amazing life, filled with adventure and accolades. I remembered these feelings but they were all tinted gray, like options that are no longer available on a computer screen.

The sadness grew a little thicker as I realised that the only reason I was looking into the ‘happy sadness file’ at all was because so much time has passed since I had reason to reference or update my education and employment history that I couldn’t even remember it accurately.

I used all the mental might that I could muster and shoved the sadness back into its memory box. It does no one any good to sit and be sad about things that they need to let go of. I need to let go of the person that I thought I was going to be and keep trying to make the most of the things that I can and need to do now. I don’t like to dwell on the past, I try to focus on remembering the positivity of feeling like everything was possible and even now I still believe that one day…someday…life will be a steady, happy thing. It is a constant battle but I fight on with the hope that time will bring fate around to my side and the fighting will prove fruitful. I fight in the hope that the least of my achievements will be that the fighting becomes easier. Two updates in two days? Yep, this is me, fighting.

All this talk of sadness, yet I wrote to tell you about my good day, Audy! Sure, it was marred a little, but isn’t everything? It got better after the CV referencing was done, I had a lovely bath, dinner and a good stack of cuddles.

So, this is the part where I tell you how today is attempting to bury my positive day using a hailstorm of frustration. I have had a throbbing headache all night that kept waking me from dreams that seemed to pulse along with the aching. I started with the light painkillers and slowly progressed to the strongest ammunition I have. The pain is dulled, however it’s become quite apparent from the fact that I look like I’ve taken a fist to the chin, that my jaw is responsible for this upset and is a little out of whack. Again. Extra ice pelted down as I received a phone call telling me that I would not receive the income protection I had been promised, followed by overwhelming relief when I received a second phone call, retracting what had been said in the first one as a mistake. Even so, I don’t think I will be able to be fully confident that it will work out until the insurance money is in my bank account. It takes a lot of effort, all this trying not to worry about it.

I can do nothing but keep trying to relax my jaw and neck, treat the trigger points, use heat packs and basically rest it out. I thought an update would be a good way to stave off the blues and remind myself that whilst I’m having a crappy time today, yesterday was a good one and there are more good ones up ahead. There’s also an Osteo appointment up ahead and that should help.

Love & Battlefields,
Caf

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  • 3 thoughts on “Mustering My Mental Might & Ploughing Onward

    1. Jen

      Hey lovie,
      you are such a strong and independant woman. You have not only a large wise bubble floating above your head, that I admire, but also your ability to express your feelings is something that you should proud of.
      Something that’s becomming more frequent is the similarities of our thoughts. Just last night I was awake, tossing and turning thinking about writing a blog on where my life was going and what my life used to be, and where I will end up?
      I hate that our bodies punish us for achieving what some may call small things such as moping the floor, doing our laundry or venturing out for a meal. I hope that one day these seamingly ‘small’ activities will one day actually be a small acheivement to the both of us.
      Thinking of you,
      much love, Jen xx

    2. Michelle Richard

      just wanted to remind you that I read every post, I just don’t always comment.

      also – that this post has sparked an idea in my brain that is already jam packed with half-formed ideas. if this new idea takes on some kind of life I will let you know. 😉

      take care.

    3. Maria (Tough Cookie)

      Sadness comes from having expectations, in moments like these. Think about it — if we had no expectations of where we might be, there would be nothing to be upset over when our realities didn’t match the expectations. Give yourself permission to be where you are in the healing process, but push through to reach some goals, no matter how small. It will help with your self-esteem. Don’t forget about the law of attraction, too.

      Feel better!

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