It’s so very wonderful that I had a few good days last week. I needed that boost. Without it, the physical condition that I currently find myself in might just have shattered my coping skills into useless shards.
But, as it is, I’m hanging in there.
Something has happened to my hip. On Friday, I had an awkward “getting into the car” experience and things have been sliding downhill ever since.
It could be a twisted pelvis, which is not uncommon in my world. If that’s the case, it is much more twisted than it usually gets. The only other experience that has felt like this is just a little bit too distressing to even consider at this stage. Blinders firmly on, unless the sunnier path doesn’t pan out.
But it totally is gonna.
I can’t sit up. Well, I can, but it’s like having a spear through my pelvis and left hip. I imagine. Probably an actual spear would be worse. More splintery or something. And there’d probably be a little dude still trying to kill me and demanding, in his primitive language, to know about my astonishing height and crazy clothes. But then, a dinosaur would chase him off and I’d spend my last moments as a time traveling warrior staring into its gnashing jaws of death. Probably that would be worse.
I can handle being in the recliner, but only if I’m prepared for the pain to slowly climb until I go and lay down on the bed and pillows again. Flat.
I can handle being propped up enough to read, but only if I’m prepared for the pain to slowly climb until my upper half is flat again. The legs, those do need to be raised on pillows.
It’s a shame I can’t read with my knees, really. And where are my retina projector glasses thingies? I know you exist! I could really use a monitor that I don’t have to hold right about now. Come on, aren’t we living in the future already?
I can hobble as is necessary, but I need to use my cane and it’s a precarious activity. A twitch at the wrong time is like twisting that splintery spear.
CRPS in my hands makes mobility sticks of all kinds a little bit more useless. However, sitting difficulties and a small house make the wheelchair useless, so, what’s a physical mess of a girl supposed to do? I’m getting by.
I’m switching between positions, because even the laying down, it hurts. I’m switching between activities: reading, iPad-ing, TV, listening to music, blogging…as soon as I feel my mood start to dip or anxiety rising I make a switch.
It’s a good tactic. I’m three days into this game and I can still see the funny side. I still feel like I’m playing, not just being played.
I’m trying to find the strength to call a friend, or plan a call/visit with somebody, but I’m a little bit too stuck up on not wanting to answer the “How are you?” thing. Maybe it will be easier to deal with a one on one answer after writing about it here. Maybe I’ll be able to handle a text then.
I still have hope, so the maybes, they’re still possible.
Maybe I’ll wake up tomorrow feeling fantastic.
There are a ridiculous amount of personal things happening in and around my life right now and I don’t know how I’m going to deal with it all. Especially not from this horizontal perspective. Stressful stuff and important stuff that needs to be handled; none of that goes away when health does, it just gets more challenging.
I need to keep my wits about me. I absolutely cannot let my current setbacks get in the way of my hope, no matter how overwhelming it all seems.
I owe myself more than that. I owe myself the best chance of coping that I can possibly achieve. Frankly, I’ve put myself through enough these past few months. Circumstance is putting me through enough by itself, without lack of coping adding to the strain.
If life is gonna keep punching, then I’m not going to let the bruises stop me from swinging back…scratch that, I’m not playing its game. I’m just gonna take these punches and try to do some good in spite of them.
I’m not gonna fight you, Pain. I’m not gonna fight you, Problems. I’m going to overcome you. It just seems like a more worthy goal.
Self pep-blogging complete.
Stay strong, Audy.
Love & Flexed Biceps,