Last night, I had to sit myself down and give myself a good talking to. I have been stuck in the blues for far too long and I know better than this. I lost my way a bit as far as my physical rehabilitation is concerned and I needed to sit down and admit that so that I could get this little healing train back on its tracks.
It’s hard to just sit and think deep thoughts, especially when you have been studying a lot about the Buddhist concept of ‘emptiness’ and have spent a lot of time practising letting your thoughts rise and fall without giving them meaning that they don’t deserve. So, I turned to the a method that has helped me in little bits, here and there, ever since I learned to write. Keeping a journal. The private kind, not the sharey kind where you are reading this.
Keeping a journal is always a lot more work than you think it’s going to be. I find I’ve always written in spurts and then left it, sometimes for years at a time. The last journal I had has been chronicling my private thoughts for over a decade. It was time for a new start. I have been thinking that for a long time, that’s why I already had a super pretty journal on hand, filled with blank pages and waiting for me to be ready to move forward.
Writing my first entry took a bucketload of courage…I mentioned the blank pages, right? And the pretty? It’s nerve wracking making the first mark on something pretty! I thought about it for a couple of weeks, nearly started it, planned to start it, nearly started it again… several times.
Yesterday was the day that I had had enough. I am tired of feeling depressed. I am tired of letting my pain rule my life. I am tired of not feeling as positive and motivated as I was last year, when I’d just left pain rehab and could see a real future again. I am tired of giving in to negative thoughts and I am tired of not feeling in control. So, I decided that it’s time to change. It’s time to put back into practise the physical techniques that I have learned to overcome this pain, along with the even more important mental ones. It’s time to move forward again.
I woke up this morning and I decided to get things done. Stiff and sore, I got into the day with a Feldenkrais track to loosen up my lower back and consequently the rest of me. I got out my Wii Fit for the first time in 146 days (according the bouncy and talkative Wii Fit Board) and did some balance work. To my surprise, I was topping my old scores without having even been practising. I was rapt with this, it means that my movement and posture in everyday life are improving, even when I feel like I’m going backwards. I’d also lost a couple of kilos, which is always a buzz. To finish up my workout (yep, it really felt like one!) I did ten slow and steady minutes on the exercise bike, followed by some gentle stretching.
Woah, I thought as I looked at the clock, I got all of this done before midday? What have I been doing for the last few months? I am quite determined never to let stress throw me that far out of my way, ever again. I knew there would be consequences for my sudden return to exercise, so I spent the next hour or so soaking in a hot tub and soaking up some Buddhist wisdom. I love the fables, sometimes they just make ideas click. I read quite a bit about meditating on pain, which doesn’t mean thinking about pain so much as focusing on the sensation of it and simply being aware of it without attributing good, bad or any qualities to it other than those that are being physically felt. It’s a technique that I hope to use to help me stop getting upset when things start getting super sore.
A workout might seem like enough, but I had a little more to get back on track than just movement. I can proudly announce that, after 22 days of trying, I have successfully updated my address with Centrelink. I win. It’s that simple. Getting that updated has been clawing at the edges of my mind since I moved, the failed attempts piling up were just causing stress that I don’t need. It’s strange how such a small task can seem so huge when you are seeing the world through a black curtain.
Today I feel truly positive for the first time in a long time. I have felt like I have written so many sad posts, followed by a little bundle of ones with forced positivity, where it was really hard to focus on the good side of things to try and stop myself wallowing in the bad. This is the week for me to turn it around. For the first time in ages, I had a lot of fun at the Rush Premiere and making the video, watching all that cheering and excitement seems to have been a great influence! I’m also feeling good that I don’t feel stupidly positive. I know that extra movement is going to cause extra pain and I am trying to ready myself to deal with it rationally and calmly and thus shorten the recovery periods.
It’s ‘getting back on track in trackies’ day because I didn’t even have to really get dressed to get things done. Ha! I feel like my whole attitude is spinning around and I’ve done it all without even getting out of my trackies (except for the bath, duh).
Attitude is everything, huh?
Love & Changes,