We’ve been through a lot, you and I. Some of it was wonderful and some of it not so much. I’ve been cruel to you, Body, I’ve blamed you for everything.
But I need to tell you that I was wrong.
It makes me sad if I think about how many years I spent hating you for your appearance. I was so naive, so misinformed about the world, so misinformed about what a problem is. How you look has never really mattered, but I’ve only come to realise this because you stopped working.
You treat me like a prisoner now. You lock me away and spank me with all the corporeal punishment. You burn me, bruise me, then hide your methods and intention within the tangle of your nerves, safe from researching eyes (for now).
Today, you won’t even let me put pants on.
But…it’s not fair to blame you, not really. Complex Regional Pain Syndrome attacked both of us, taking out the machine and the controller with one stone.
I’m pretty hard on you sometimes, but truth be told, CRPS is the real cause of my suffering. I’m hurt by the malfunctioning, not the machine.
But we’re the same being, you and I. We’re in this together. I’m trying not to blame you anymore, because when I do that, I’m only hindering myself. You’re a part of me and I’m going to need you if we’re going to exorcise this demon.
Blaming you for my life situation is like blaming a person for picking up an infection, rather than holding accountable the infectious disease.
CRPS is complex (I mean, that’s in its title FFS) and the cause is unknown. What is known about this condition are many ways that a body can react or show symptoms, I guess that’s why it felt like you were the problem. You have this amazing ability to rewire your circuits, to reform your brain (our brain) and CRPS has you using this power for evil.
Your reactions were the only fact amongst a bunch of theories and unknowns, it was easy to blame you for that.
And I’m sorry.
Do you remember how it felt to be healthy? Do you remember climbing trees and mountains? Do you remember running and strength and adventure? Do you remember being able to touch and hug with reckless abandon?
Let’s work together so that we can overcome CRPS and live a full life anyway. It’s not going to be easy, it’s going to be damned difficult, but we might get a better result if we’re not pulling in opposite directions.
I’m going to stop thinking of you as an attacker, Body. I’m going to learn to love you instead. I’m going to call the pain out, name it when it does me wrong, so that I don’t end up thinking it’s your fault again.
CRPS is burning me all over today, so much so that I think we probably glow. CRPS is burning us, because there is no separation, not really.
I’ve felt like you were my enemy for so long, but now I realise that you are just a fellow victim. We are both prisoners in this cell and we’re gonna need teamwork to get out of it.
Are you game?
Love & Apologies,
Thanks so much to everybody that has been supporting me in the NHBPM challenge! If you like what I am doing, please share these posts with the people that you share things with or click that little thumbs up. It’s CRPS Awareness Month, which is why I’m choosing to disclose a little more about my health on a daily basis. The more awareness that we can raise, the easier it will get for people who are navigating the choppy waters of chronic pain.
This post written as a part of National Health Blog Post Month, run by WEGO health. Check out what people have been contributing via #NHBPM on Twitter, or joining the NHBPM Facebook Event.