Dear Body, I’m Sorry

Dear Body,

We’ve been through a lot, you and I. Some of it was wonderful and some of it not so much. I’ve been cruel to you, Body, I’ve blamed you for everything.

But I need to tell you that I was wrong.

It makes me sad if I think about how many years I spent hating you for your appearance. I was so naive, so misinformed about the world, so misinformed about what a problem is. How you look has never really mattered, but I’ve only come to realise this because you stopped working.

You treat me like a prisoner now. You lock me away and spank me with all the corporeal punishment. You burn me, bruise me, then hide your methods and intention within the tangle of your nerves, safe from researching eyes (for now).

Today, you won’t even let me put pants on.


Come on, CRPS, either let me wear pants or quit with the goosebumps, please!

But…it’s not fair to blame you, not really. Complex Regional Pain Syndrome attacked both of us, taking out the machine and the controller with one stone.

I’m pretty hard on you sometimes, but truth be told, CRPS is the real cause of my suffering. I’m hurt by the malfunctioning, not the machine.

It’s like being possessed. The poltergeist puppeteers both of us with unpredictable malice. It pits us against one another, separates our mind from our physicality and tells us lies.

But we’re the same being, you and I. We’re in this together. I’m trying not to blame you anymore, because when I do that, I’m only hindering myself. You’re a part of me and I’m going to need you if we’re going to exorcise this demon.

Blaming you for my life situation is like blaming a person for picking up an infection, rather than holding accountable the infectious disease.

CRPS is complex (I mean, that’s in its title FFS) and the cause is unknown. What is known about this condition are many ways that a body can react or show symptoms, I guess that’s why it felt like you were the problem. You have this amazing ability to rewire your circuits, to reform your brain (our brain) and CRPS has you using this power for evil.

Your reactions were the only fact amongst a bunch of theories and unknowns, it was easy to blame you for that.

And I’m sorry.

Do you remember how it felt to be healthy? Do you remember climbing trees and mountains? Do you remember running and strength and adventure? Do you remember being able to touch and hug with reckless abandon?

Let’s work together so that we can overcome CRPS and live a full life anyway. It’s not going to be easy, it’s going to be damned difficult, but we might get a better result if we’re not pulling in opposite directions.

I’m going to stop thinking of you as an attacker, Body. I’m going to learn to love you instead. I’m going to call the pain out, name it when it does me wrong, so that I don’t end up thinking it’s your fault again.

CRPS is burning me all over today, so much so that I think we probably glow. CRPS is burning us, because there is no separation, not really.

I’ve felt like you were my enemy for so long, but now I realise that you are just a fellow victim. We are both prisoners in this cell and we’re gonna need teamwork to get out of it.

Are you game?

Love & Apologies,
Caf’s Consciousness

Dear Audy, Do you blame your body for chronic pain or illness? I wonder if thinking about this differently will help me with coping. A change in mindset can be a change in everything, I’m curious to see if it will have some influence in this instance. Wish me luck!
Love, Caf

Thanks so much to everybody that has been supporting me in the NHBPM challenge! If you like what I am doing, please share these posts with the people that you share things with or click that little thumbs up. It’s CRPS Awareness Month, which is why I’m choosing to disclose a little more about my health on a daily basis. The more awareness that we can raise, the easier it will get for people who are navigating the choppy waters of chronic pain.

WEGO, CRPS Awareness Month, #NHBPM

This post written as a part of National Health Blog Post Month, run by WEGO health. Check out what people have been contributing via #NHBPM on Twitter, or joining the NHBPM Facebook Event.

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  • 3 thoughts on “Dear Body, I’m Sorry

    1. sarah

      Einstein said:
      A problem can never be solved if approached in the same mindset in which it was created. Only when there is a change of mindset can the problem even be understood properly, let alone solved.

      In the case of Chronic Pain, unfortunately we cannot recruit another person to provide the new mindset when everything conventional has been done. WHen you reach the end of the road leaving just you and your pain together indefinitely; it is only you who can shift your mindset to address and accept the challenge and find the way to live together.

      So proud of you Caf, xxxxx

      1. Hayley Cafarella Post author

        Thanks so much for this comment, beautiful lady! It’s quite nice to know that I’m thinking like Einstein… I’m either onto a good thing, or on my way to the looney bin…it’s such a fine line ;P xx

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