Crashing Without Explosions

Dear Audy,

I commenced my year of doing things this week.

I’ve been working on a plan for an online support group with Chronic Pain Australia that I am very excited about. It’s at the out of my own head and into the arena of group ideas stage. This week I will begin creating content for the sessions and sorting out the technical aspects. I cannot tell you how it feels to be working on something other than managing my pain…it’s a me that I haven’t seen in years.

I caught up with friends, drank at a bar during the day, visited a gallery, attended Spicks & Speck-tacular and went to the movies. That’s a pretty big week in my world.

This is the year of re-conditioning. I am attempting to re-build myself and my life. My time is being divided with a bit more structure and I am focusing on the things that I need to get done, rather than whether or not I am up to doing them.

The key is to try not to plan more than I can cope with without pushing my body into ruin. It’s not always possible, but sometimes it is and I am just trying to cultivate more of those times.

I never expected this to be easy and gosh darn, it isn’t.

Sunday has brought with it a flare of mammoth proportions. A big, hairy mammoth that has been swept up in a bushfire.

Every joint aches and my flesh burns. I have also been wearing this blush (the real kind, not makeup) all over my body that gives me the appearance of someone who sat out in the sun for too long. This is new, this red me. Previously discolouration has limited itself to my hands and feet but…whatever, Body.

I will just keep doing nice things to you until you decide to be nice back to me.

Thankfully, Sunday counts as Sunday in my new perspective on the calendar (ingenious, I know). I don’t have to do things on Sundays. Except maybe lay in the sun, as the name suggests.

Most of the day was spent on the couch. Air conditioning brought the pain down a little, however just getting up was enough to make me groan with the movement. I did manage to not be completely beaten into incapacitation by getting through some laundry and sweeping the floor. After which I collapsed back onto the couch and watched a movie. Still, I’m proud of the achievement.

Gotta count all the little things. Doing so has prevented me from getting upset at this flare. It’s been a slow day but no big deal, hopefully I will wake up less sore tomorrow. It would be ignorant of me not to expect flare days being that I am well aware of the fact that I have CRPS, even when I am managing the symptoms well.

And so I am still here. Sitting on the couch. With pretty hair and a pimple.

And you get another self snap on this blog on account of I don’t have the energy to find a picture that poignantly illustrates the rambling point of this post.

Which I guess is that bad days happen sometimes, they hurt a lot when your bad day is caused by an angry nervous system, but they do pass like all the other days. They aren’t super meaningful and they don’t have to make you cry, but they are there just the same.

The lows are a part of us.

It’s really quite nice that I’ve kept this confined to a physical low and not given into negative thinking. Not even when an old anxiety cycle about a slight problem with a household appliance tried to whir back up again…I actually just laughed at my brain when it did that.

Oh, LIFE. Did it forcibly show you its power to go up and down this week? It does that. Don’t worry, tomorrow is on its way…

Love & Carrying On,

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  • 2 thoughts on “Crashing Without Explosions

    1. Pauline

      I’m having a similar day today, but my “flare” is a relationship one. Oddly your post has reminded to ‘Love and Carry On’… thank you :-) This too shall pass, and days like these are just part of the experience.

      Looking forward to watching how your year of re-conditioning and re-building unfolds.

      1. Hayley Cafarella Post author

        Thanks, Pauline! Sorry for the delay in my replies, always seems to happen in Summer. Relationship flares are tough, I hope that you are OK now? Re-building is going alright so far, I’ve had to move the goal posts back a bit, but that’s just the nature of the game. I’m still planning on winning the title ;P xx

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