Cinema Etiquette Simplified For Simpletons

Dear Audy,

I went to see Inception last night. My brain still hurts a little bit, but that is not the point of this post. The point of this post is to provide a little information for the general public, who seem to have forgotten that the cinema is not their personal space.

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The following are thoughts that might be had by people attending the cinema. Should you happen to have any of these thoughts, I have provided the solution there for you, so that should hopefully set you up with the answers for cinema attending for the rest of your life.

1. The session is pretty full, but I don’t like my allocated seats, I’ll just sit in these better ones, OK?

NO. Just sit where your tickets tell you to sit. All it takes is matching the letter to the row (that’s a letter, which you might recognise from the alphabet) and then match the number to the number on the seat. Hey presto! You have successfully seated yourself without annoying everyone who is already there. No, don’t argue with the person who shows up and wants to sit in their seat, they have matched the letter and number correctly, you are wrong, just get the hell out of the way.

2. I have brought yummy snacks with me, I’m going to eat them slowly so that they last the duration of the film.

NO. Just eat the stupid things during the previews. Open your loud, crackly packets and get the mouth sounds over with. It is actually possible to sit through a film without eating the whole time, why not see if you can figure out how to do it?

3. I have a thought during the film and believe that my friend must know it, I should probably lean over and tell them.

NO. You are not at home, this is not your lounge room, there is no rewind, shut the hell up. If you have to communicate, a barely a whisper delivered directly into an ear is the only acceptable way to do it. Nobody cares if you can’t follow what’s going on. Your stupidity is your own problem.

4. I have followed the film and understand what’s going on, perhaps I should say this out loud so that everyone has a running commentary of the fact that I understand?

NO. Chances are, if you have figured out what’s going on then everyone else has too. You don’t need to comment on everything that your eyes and ears perceive. Just sit there and shut the hell up. Nobody wants to listen to you saying what you see on account of they have their own eyes (with apologies to the blind and their carers).

5. I have a bladder the size of a peanut, it’s probably a good idea to get up and down a few times to go the toilet, right?

WRONG. Specific medical conditions excluded, you should be able to manage yourself so that you can make it a couple of hours without a trip to the toilet. That’s what they were trying to teach you in school when they didn’t like you going during class. Try thinking about not drinking that litre of soft drink before and during the film, you’d be surprised how much more comfortable you’ll be. If you do have to get up and leave during the film, then you’d better be quiet and appear sorry, none of this prancing around and going in and out as though you are in a nightclub. Appear sorry, you git.

6. My phone is on silent, so it’s not going to ring, it’s OK to send text messages and the like during the film, right?

WRONG. See that screen you are looking at? That is glowing. Glowing. You are creating a light in a purposefully darkened room. Get out. Just, get out.

7. If I’m moving around in my seat, no one will mind if I bump the seat in front if it’s just a little bit.

NO. Actually, they will mind. Stop being so clumsy and careless you long-legged oaf.

8. I’ve come to the movies with a big bunch of my friends. I should really make the effort to speak to each of them at least once before the film ends so that everyone knows how popular I am, even if some of them are sitting four or five seats away.

WRONG. Not only is no one acknowledging your popularity, they hate you. They hate you. If you are always that annoying, then probably even the person you are trying to talk to hates you.

9. I have a bit of a cold and a cough, but I’m feeling better today, so I’ll go to the movies.

DON’T. Just stay home. No, the rest of the cinema is not going to be understanding about the fact that you need to cough just because you have spent a few days feeling sick. In fact, they are going to be completely grossed out by you. Do you really want to be the booger in the room? Just stay home and watch a DVD.

10. The movie has finished, I should probably voice my opinions loudly on the way out of the cinema.

NO. Just shut the hell up until you have moved away from the general crowd. This one isn’t even for me, this one is for you. You generally sound stupid. Most of your comments on obvious plot twists make you sound stupid. Actually, no, I take this one back. Please keep voicing stupid opinions around me whilst I am leaving cinemas…they absolutely crack me up.

* * * * *


So, there you have it, turns out going to the movies and not annoying everyone isn’t actually that hard. Following this simple guide, any moron can go to the movies without giving away that they are a moron. I think I have done a good thing here. World changing, even.

Love & Stuffs,
Caf

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  • 12 thoughts on “Cinema Etiquette Simplified For Simpletons

      1. admin Post author

        Thank you! You are so right, there are definitely a few behaviourial things that people need to relearn about music gigs, I’m going to get thinking about that one :)

    1. Melissa

      Absolutely world changing!! And a completely accurate decription of the goings on in that cinema, and many cinemas around the country, all to sad to say.

      BTW, I had weird dreams last night. And when I woke up this morning, my first thought was, I had a dream within a dream! But now I can’t remember it. Poo.

      1. admin Post author

        haha – I’m totally guilty of most of them, except now I’m old enough to happily be a hypocrite ;D

    2. suzanne

      Hey Caf,
      OH Man I was laughing my butt of when reading your “cinema etiquette” OH my gosh you are so right on!! I want YOU to come with ME next time I go to the Cinema and tell off those ppl talking, texting, yelling and kicking my seat…oh and chompin on their gummies…
      I need YOU to talk to my nasty rotten brother who wrote some nasty comments on my you tube video but I have them to be “approved” by me b4 they can be put up thank God! He said some awful things!! I gotta talk to you my friend!! love, suz

      1. admin Post author

        So glad you liked it! I’m sorry to hear about your brother trying to stir up trouble >:( Drop me an email? xx

    3. suzanne

      Well sweet girl friend you got it 100% right-o!! I need to bring YOU with me next time I go to the Cinema! So do you have assigned seats really? We don’t here…We just get a ticket and get there early and have to fight for a seat!! Very good and written with such tact too, you’re a doll!!
      bye for now doll!!
      love you, suz Q

    4. Jeanne

      Hayley,

      You are absolutely hilarious! Heck, I think this should become a regular series. Maybe you can write more etiquette guides. You totally crack me up! 😉

      Jeanne

      1. admin Post author

        aw, thank you! Very happy to make you and the fam giggle!! Very much enjoyed writing it, shall have to focus on a few more posts like this in the future 😀 xx

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