I feel like a lovely chunk of malleable playdough that is being mushed and moulded into something new. Literally, that sounds rather horrific, however in actuality it is ever so exciting!
I have been spending a lot more time offline than on in recent weeks, most of this year to be exact. Thankfully, this time away isn’t just due to pain flares. I have been reinforcing the behaviours that help me to keep my pain down and strengthen my body. This has been a process of challenging how I approach things both physically and mentally.
(click image for source)
For over four years I have felt incredibly hindered by my pain. I have spent a lot of time incapable of doing just about anything and that led to a lot of free time to web surf and connect with people via social media. Although I am missing these interactions and the joys and wonders that I find on other’s blogs, I think I have just needed some extra me space so that I can make the changes that will continue to make my life better. Thanks so much to everyone who has continued to support me, your messages mean so much and it’s hard not to feel guilty that I haven’t had the time and capacity to reply yet.
I have been reading a lot. I am sure that I have learnt more about the human brain in the past two months than in the three semesters that I spent studying psychology at uni. Along with texts examining advances in neuroscience, I have been submersing myself in stories about people who have suffered chronic pain and yet no longer do. These stories inspire me, uplift me and help me to focus on the daily grind of rehabilitating from such a state of nervous system catastrophe.
The most thrilling thing about all this learning is that I can now understand what is going wrong in my body and I understand the changes that I need to influence in order for the pain to become just background noise in my life – gotta get that bugger off centre stage. Chronic pain has been misunderstood and mistreated for centuries. I no longer believe the medical practitioners that assume it is a permanent condition. I’ll go into further explanation on this topic when I get a chance to sit and review some of the texts that I’ve read.
When I returned to my Feldenkrais practitioner after a couple of months break over Summer, I was delighted to discover that my body responded extremely quickly in a one on one session. I could feel parts of me letting go of tension and the way in which my perception reorganised itself in order to achieve this.
My first session back was the motivation that I needed to step up my practise at home. It’s difficult to stick to any sort of new routine (ever tried to lose weight?) however, being able to feel the results makes putting in the effort to pay attention to my body’s movement patterns worth it.
I’ve been altering my mediation practise, with the help of being guided and inspired by an instructed course. The instructor has a very different approach to other meditation instructors that I have had and it’s taken some work to shift my goals and deepen my practise. It’s not something that I am completely on top of yet, however I am working at it and I can feel the relaxation benefits after each session. I am also finding ways to sit comfortably on the floor with a straight back, something that is benefiting from the Feldenkrais and meditation alike, also something that I haven’t been able to do for years.
My house feels much fresher than it has for some time. A huge focus of mine has been to maintain the household chores and keep my diet healthy. It’s amazing how much time this can take, however I am getting it done and it is starting to feel like less of an effort.
So, it sounds like I’ve been pretty boring, right? Happy to say, wrong! I might be putting a lot of work into my rehab every day, but it’s really important to keep the fun things in my life so that I don’t get bored. I have caught up with friends, both visitors and taking myself out again to meet people, eat food and watch movies. I cannot describe how wonderful it is to be able to go out and feel normal for a few hours. The techniques that I’ve been practising really help to keep the pain down during these outings and to lessen the recovery time.
I am starting to feel like a new version of the old me. In contrast to a new version of the recent me, the old me had a lot more fun!
My updates have become less frequent, but I’m still here. I have so many new ideas and concepts cluttering up my head that I need time to allow them to boil and then simmer down into thoughts that I can share with you more easily.
Life is a little confusing and foreign right now, but I definitely feel a stronger, more determined me building up. I can’t put everything into words right now, but for once, the future is looking bright and sparkly again.
Love & Changes,