But If You Turn It This Way And Look Into It…

Dear Audy,

Thank you all so much for the overwhelming response to my last post. Friends and strangers have been reaching out to me with such kindness. All I can see is hands.

Thank you. Yes, you.

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I’m not in a place to grab a hold of them yet, but I am gaining strength.

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She chose down?! Too late now.

I got a little bit lost in the broken parts of myself. It’s so easy to get caught up in the labyrinth of my thoughts when I am feeling weak. I feel like I’m ambling forwards and backwards, instead of rising above the walls to see the bigger picture.

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If she’d o’ kept on going down that way, she’d o’ gone straight to that castle.

Distracted, I dreamed I was a different person. A dancing person, free from limitation and stress. I dreamed with the hope of youth and promise.

When the dream glass shattered, I crashed back down into the desolate place that I had briefly escaped. Oh, how sweet it was, the power of the poisoned peach. How blindingly bright, the power of the pretty lies.

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I have to save Toby.

I have to save myself. Always. White knights can only carry us from one place to another, never lift us from our inner torment. That’s something we must do ourselves.

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Through dangers untold and hardships unnumbered…

I can open my mouth today. Smiling is still quite difficult but I’m no longer feeling like the man in the iron mask and that’s progress. Chewing is possible, but I’ll be sticking to soft foods for a little while yet.

Somehow, I’ve angered my left leg, so despite improvement in one area, I’m dealing with what feels like a new injury and setback. At least I think this situation is a bit funny, today. I mean, seriously? I enjoyed opening my mouth for about an hour last night before succumbing to my next affliction. That’s just too ludicrous to be upset at.

I need to have some fun. I’ve really forgotten how to enjoy everything. I’ve decided to take it easier on myself and be more aware of doing things that I actually want to do. I’ve often felt like I should get the necessary parts of life taken care of before I play, however the truth of now is that I can’t always get through those necessary parts, let alone past them.

And I can’t always love everything, but I can like things more than I have been.

I have fought my way here to this castle, beyond the Goblin City…

I’ve been pacing around a sewing project. Not walking in circles, but structuring my movement capabilities around it. It’s been so long that I wasn’t sure I even remembered what to do with fabric and thread. I’ve picked up a dress that I cut out two years (ish) ago and have decided to complete it. I don’t care how long it takes, I just want to enjoy doing it and not allow pain to stop me completely.

To take back the child that you have stolen.

I miss me. I miss me so much that somehow I’ve just kept behaving less and less like myself. I’ve created blame, catastrophised daily life and thus found myself drowning in the consequences of wayward thinking. I’ve been an emotional zombie, flailing about on the barely sparking patterns of a previous existence.

For my will is as strong as yours and my kingdom as great.

Light pierces through the depression that has hung about me for weeks. I recognise that it doesn’t have to be there, it doesn’t have to have control.

Shake off the negative thinking patterns.

Shake off the expectation.

Shake off the disappointment.

Shake off the should’s and have’s and would’s and could’s and can’t’s…

You have no power over me.

Ever since I exploded in blog form, I’ve been feeling naked. Writing that felt so raw, so revealing and parts of it still feel shameful. But I’m working on that. I’m even slightly ashamed that I don’t have the strength to respond personally to those that have responded personally to my writing. But I’m working on that.

And if you’re still reading, then I think that maybe you’ll forgive me.

I’m policing my mind with renewed vigour and relaxation. Because that’s not an oxymoron. Because l have to strengthen my methods of thinking positively and I can’t do that if I waste time and energy hating on myself when I fail.

Because thinking positively whilst hating myself is an oxymoron.

The depression lingers, lashing out, scratching at anything that might trigger sadness, pointing and screaming about the things that I’m directing my thoughts away from.

For now, I’m just looking at the moments one by one. By taking control of what I can (my reactions), I can shuffle along with less tears and build my steps toward strides.



Power over me…

(power over me)

Love & What did you expect fairies to do?

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  • 8 thoughts on “But If You Turn It This Way And Look Into It…

    1. Della

      Sweet girl, don’t be too hard on yourself! I, for one, don’t need a personal response when you’re not up to it. All you can do is take the next step, and sometimes just that one step feels like too much. Gentle hugs <3

      1. Hayley Cafarella Post author

        You are so understanding and sweet that I think you deserve ALL of the personal replies!! 😀 xoxo

    2. Lexie Ofczarzak

      Have u read C S Lewis “the Problem of Pain”. I am moved by your writing and description of your suffering. Simply put, I understand and comprehend more than I ever thought I would the problem with pain..what a discovery I made today. Thank you!

    3. sarah (withstars)

      I have been staring in the mirror telling myself “I love and accept myself and I am more than ‘just my pain'” and you can say it 200 hundred times a day until you start to believe it- but if you are using the shoulds, should haves, could haves then every word cancels out about 5 affirmations and we will never believe it.

      Though I don’t completely agree that you cannot be positive while loathing yourself, it is certainly not helpful and makes the journey 10x more of an incline!

      I love you Caf, you do write it ‘raw’ and ‘expose’ yourself, but if you weren’t honest there would be no point. I’m proud of you that you keep on going. I have been waiting for some good news to blog from the last 6 consultant appointments… But if I don’t blog until something comes along, I probably won’t vlog again. But accepting that is the trouble.

      I am here, I adore you, I feel you, and I’m sorry for that night the other week. Xxxx

      1. Hayley Cafarella Post author

        It is amazing how much power words can have (that we give them) when we say them to ourselves, thank you for that reminder! No need to ever apologise for having a bad night, we all have them and it was nice to chat to you then :) I look forward to when you feel up to vlogging, it is hard to share when things aren’t going well, but it’s definitely worth it. Sending much love and I hope things are looking up, even the tiniest bit! xoxo

    4. Lisa Tait


      Brilliant, isn’t it? And yet we constantly give power over ourselves to things which do not deserve it. Now, in our condition, it’s a bit different, of course. We didn’t choose for this to happen; we don’t want to live with CRPS. But, as you’ve been writing about with great skill, we can come to a place where the pain and associated garbage doesn’t have to have power over us.

      My will is as strong as yours and my kingdom is as great. Indeed, fellow CRPSers have been some of the strongest people I’ve ever (not always in person!) met. We have so much to give in our kingdoms, so much love and worth we preside over when we choose to rule with love and fairness, if that makes sense. 😉

      Enlightenment is not the great flash I suspect people presume it to be, but rather stages of glimmers of new understanding, of hope, then the occasional crushed expectation as we remind ourselves that expectations can result in disappointment… in other words two steps forward, a step back, or vice versa is the norm, I believe.

      Those who think they have it all figured out seem to be the least ‘figured out’ I’ve encountered too often. I have long said how I enjoy learning and growing and my goal in life is to always be doing that in some way, shape or form. If I were to feel there was nothing more to learn or experience, what would life be?

      I’m sorry the fairy of CRPS has gone and done what fairies *really* do, as we learnt in Labyrinth, but please don’t take to Hoggle-spraying the lil’ beggars just yet!

      Be kind and gentle to yourself. You have grown so much in the past few years, you have much to be proud of in the best way possible. When you’re next feeling down on yourself/progress/whatever, please try thinking of yourself as someone else… say, me? Would you be quick to judge me, or tell me I’m not doing a good enough job of being positive, overcoming the pain, etc? Heck no, you wouldn’t! I know it for a fact; you’ve been nothing but kind and supportive of me and everyone else who comments! So Caf deserves nothing less, ok? <3

      You have travelled far and are temporarily mired in the Oubliette. But fear not, just when you think there is no way out, your perceptions will change, perhaps a little worm will help you, and you'll see what was there all along when you were distracted with getting to your destination!

      Caf friend! (Ludo voice)
      Now let's get out of the Bog of Eternal Stench, aka my comment, and go have yourself a better day.

      And remember… if you ever need us… :)

      1. Hayley Cafarella Post author

        Thank you so much for this thoughtful comment – and for running with my metaphor! I do forget to be kind enough to myself sometimes. I’m starting to find my way again and you are so right, I would never judge another person as harshly as I judge myself! Learning…always learning! I hope that you are having a marvellous time with your visitor 😀 xoxo

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