I’ve been a bit broken down lately, almost like the layers of me have separated and I’ve been struggling to join them back up. Patterns are only kind of aligned, like on cheaply sewn garments. Both physical and stress related elements have been bugging me, but I’m starting to sort myself out now. Slowly and surely I’ll get back to coping again.
Like most people in Melbourne, I contracted that evil cold bug that has been going around. The one that burns your throat and lungs whilst it wracks you with chills and fever. Good times. It also seems to give way to a kind of gastro thing which, naturally, takes one from good times straight into Party Land.
The bug stole my sleep and when my sleep is gone, it’s harder to cope. Anything and everything that could bug me, takes a shot at doing so when there’s a cold bug to power it on.
It’s harder to be in pain, it’s harder to let go of lamentations about life, it’s harder to understand that tough times are cyclical and will eventually lead back to happy ones.
When my sleep is gone, tears tend to invade for any number of both understandable and ridiculous reasons. I wade through the emotional days as best I can, but I’d be lying if I said that this is any way an easy thing to do.
Thankfully, I’ve gotten a bit more rest in the last few nights and I’m starting to feel like I’m on the up again. My fat pad has decided to join in the healing and I can get around much more easily than I could a few weeks ago. I can even drive my car to places that are about five minutes away, which is surprisingly liberating!
I can handle riding my exercise bike for about ten minutes and I even managed to go to the park with my puppy dogs the other day! I walked on the squishy, mud-under-grass bits of ground and didn’t stay long, but it was so nice to be amongst some trees again.
I’m still struggling with concentration, however I expect that to keep clearing up as I get my body functioning again. I made a slight medication change a week or so ago (I now take 50mg of slow release Tramadol instead of 100mg of the regular kind) so that is probably contributing a little to how unsettled I have felt.
My pain has increased with the change, especially upon waking, however I think that I can get it back down through Feldenkrais, stretching, exercise and relaxation. Hopefully I can get the pain level back down without upping any meds.
I am so tired of medication and the unknowns that go along with long term use. Did you know I need reading glasses? Nope, neither did I. I thought that straining, blurry sensation was just the result of medication and fatigue. Turns out, I am a little farsighted.
I got my glasses yesterday and the difference is amazing. It’s like there was a knot of tension in my face that had been there forever and has finally been able to relax. I don’t mind being bug-eyed in order to wave goodbye to that tension. I mean, it actually fits quite nicely in light of all the different kinds of bugs bugging me lately.
Interestingly, I’ve noticed that my jaw is falling into a more relaxed position since I have been wearing them. This does make total sense, if I was using extra effort to make my eyes focus and causing tension then I was likely also tensing my jaw in my efforts to stare at screens and pages for as long as I generally do.
The next couple of months are kind of looming out in front of me like shadows of uncertainty. Logically, I know that moving house is not going to be that big of a deal, I’ll have help and eventually I’ll be in a place that I can really settle into and customise. But, you know, if anxiety responded well to logic then stress levels around the world wouldn’t be what they are.
I’m trying to treat the anxiety as just anxiety so that it doesn’t grow into problems that I begin to believe are huge. Anxiety is just looping signals in my brain, it’s not actually the problems that it pretends to be.
Getting past this ditch in my physical health should help me continue to get more effective at this. When I can get my body to feel better, my mind often follows and vice versa.
Coping has been taking up all of my time lately. I very much want to get back to feeling productive and creative again, however I need to balance that in with still taking care of me as I build my strength back up.
I honestly can’t tell you what I will do to stay sane over the next few weeks on wobbly ground. Right now, I honestly can’t tell you what I will do to stay sane for the rest of the day. I expect that it will include some exercise though, stretching, definitely some Feldenkrais and a whole lot of letting go of unhelpful thought patterns.
Love & Life Bites,