Bright Spots Up Ahead

Dear Audy,

My, how time passes quickly when we’re busy learning to love our kitchens! Well, probably not “we”, but that’s what I’ve spent most of my active time doing lately. Living with chronic pain makes for a lot less active time than one gets in a regular body and my devotion to improving my Paleo cooking skills had practically taken over my life. I’m getting better at things, stronger and faster, and I will learn to pace back in more time for creative and relaxing Caf time.

I’ve begun to feel creative in the kitchen, so that’s quite the bonus. Apparently you need to know how to cook things before your brain gives you ideas about how to improve recipes. I didn’t know this, I previously just thought cooking was born in boringtown. Oh, Past Caf, you had some funny ideas about so many things…

This is me shrugging at me.

Maintaining my motivation for looking after myself has taken a little toll on me. Nothing I can’t afford, but it’s definitely bringing issues into my awareness that I need to work on.

This week, I found myself singing “Going Through The Motions” from the Buffy musical episode, Once More With Feeling. You shouldn’t be surprised to learn that I know all the words and have also been known to drunkenly perform Anya’s Bunnies rockout verse from “I’ve Got a Theory”, on command. Nope, none of that should be anything other than expected. Oh, and I have a giant, framed print of the Once More With Feeling poster. Obviously.

But to get back to the point, my musical subconscious was sending me clues that I just might be coming to some sort of breaking point that would require a shift in attitude and management. I wasn’t really just going through any motions, I was learning them. Practising them. Getting in control of the motions that are needed to continue healing and better managing my pain and life in general.

Taking this control accidentally got in the way of me monitoring and looking after my emotions, that’s all.

I mean, I didn’t go to a heavenly dimension and then get cast back into a cold, painful existence. I really didn’t have a good reason to not be enjoying the activities I could fit into each day. Quite the opposite, I should be celebrating that I’m able to do them at all! I can cook! Me! I can shop, all by myself! I can freaking walk!!

I spent years unable to do these things. Years believing that I would never get any better or be able to have independence. I’ve worked damn hard to get to the point I’m at, I really don’t know why I allowed the sniggering voice of boredom to get in the way of me remembering that.

Sometimes it’s hard to accept the slow pace that I proceed at, I need to take some time out, refresh my motivation with some inspiration and then knuckle down and keep going.

Because I am getting somewhere. Maybe not to the social engagements that I’m lamenting missing out on, but somewhere. Somewhere that will lead to even more wheres. Less painful, healthier wheres. I am trying to focus on being happy that I see them, up ahead in the blurry future, like bright spots that have come out of hiding.

I plan to spend more time reading this week, more time writing and more time keeping my mind a positive and pleasant place. When I’m not cooking, of course. I’m also planning on sharing a post with some recipes and notes from my kitchen adventures so that you can see some of the yummy things that I’ve been up to.

Honestly, reading over this post, I feel quite ridiculous about some of the grumps I have been indulging lately. Quite ridiculous, indeed. Why should I care about what I can’t fit into my day instead of what I can? Life isn’t gloomy, it is grand! And filled with Paleo cookies. Double grand.

Have you read the latest issue of Frankie yet? The one with added me? It’s been so very exciting to be featured and to have the opportunity to spread awareness about what life is like for people with chronic pain. A big thank you to the readers, old and new, who have sent me lovely messages. Your words are huge comfort!

Until next time, dear Audy, be clever cats in fancy hats and don’t let pesky thoughts bring you down when there are happier thoughts just waiting to squeeze into your crowded minds.

Love & Hope this realisation sticks this time,

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  • 2 thoughts on “Bright Spots Up Ahead

    1. Sarah Bellany

      You are doing so well. It’s great to hear you are enjoying cooking. I used to not like cooking…then ended up doing it professionally on private yachts (you know in a previous life) and it really does take a while for it to become a creative process. I found it helped to visualise what I wanted it to look like in the end and obviously the taste thing is important. Sometimes what you leave out is as important as what you put in. (never put cumin in carbonara for example – that doesn’t work 😉 )

      Anyway your post kinda ties into a song I was listening today. About going slowly fast. Which is what you seem to be doing. :)

      Slow Cheetah – Red Hot Chilli Peppers.

      1. Hayley Cafarella Post author

        Thanks, Sarah! I am glad to hear that I’m not the only person who thought that cooking was awful until they actually learnt how to do it! ;P I shall have to go look up that song, it sounds like it could be my theme 😉 xx

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