I’ve been weird lately. I haven’t had anything interesting to say, or exciting ideas to play with. I haven’t even been able to focus on the ideas that are already projects in my creative realm. I have been very boring indeed. A little bit too boring.
I burst into tears this morning. They just bubbled up out of nowhere and I found myself trying to calm my breathing without even understanding where the sobs were coming from. I was sore and I was tired, but those are things that I am most of the time. Without a bigger issue to back them up, they rarely make me cry these days.
Waking sadness can be hard to shake off. I thought that I was doing okay, I managed to get myself ready for a doctors appointment. I managed to actually get myself to the doctors appointment. However, I did struggle to make it through the appointment without getting teary. It wasn’t even a challenging appointment, just a regular check-in for a script update with a very lovely doctor.
It was weird. I’ve been weird lately. I took my weird self home and tried to figure out how I had slipped into a little melancholy ditch.
I have put a lot of effort into learning to understand my mind, my emotions, my core beliefs and the ways in which all of these parts of me interact with my chronic pain. Sometimes, I think I’m so busy trying to let go of negative thoughts that it takes me a while to notice they’re trying to tell me something that I do need to know. Something I need to learn in order to foster growth in my ability to cope.
There are occasions when anxiety has a purpose. I’ve been so busy trying to conquer it by not allowing anxious thoughts any credibility that it hadn’t occurred to me that I might also be bypassing some valid concerns. By that, I just mean things that can be acted on and fixed. Things that need to be realised and dealt with.
I have been weird lately, but I think I’m starting to get it figured out.
I have been changing. I’ve been working hard at pacing and pain management, as well as cooking and cleaning, which in many ways add up to rehabilitation. Thus, if I look at it differently, I’ve been working hard at getting healthy. Being able to improve my functioning despite my CRPS is the biggest goal I have and I should be proud of how much effort I’ve been putting this.
I’m weird because I am bored. Pain rehab and household chores are slow, tedious things and they’re all I’ve been doing. I haven’t had the strength to extend my efforts past these basic tasks.
I’ve missed keeping up with the world, with friends and news and internet memes. I’ve missed writing and communicating, I’ve missed joking around. I’ve missed thinking about interesting things, rather than just coaxing my brain into doing what’s best for my body. It has to be done, but by golly, it’s boring.
It’s easy to lose sight of the positives amongst all of this missing business. Whilst I haven’t been doing that fun stuff, I have been learning and cooking (a lot). I’ve learnt to make stock, beef stew and mexican beef stew, spicy chicken balls and zucchini noodles, egg slice with bacon and veges to serve as pre-made breakfasts, and most deliciously, paleo pancakes from coconut flour and almond meal. I’ve almost learnt to enjoy the cooking and have just about nailed leaving the kitchen clean afterward (a huge step for me).
I’ve strengthened my motivation to actively manage my pain. I spend less time harnessing my will to fight and more time actually doing things. Through increasing Feldenkrais sessions, I’ve starting feeling connections through my spine and pelvis that I’d never been able to sense before and this is helping me to move in ways that are less likely to set off pain flares. My lower half has been responding so well to these sessions that my body is finally allowing changes to start happening through my shoulders and upper back.
It can be easy to lose sight of my overall progress when I’m saddened by boredom. Sometimes it feels as though I am progressing so slowly that I will never get anywhere. It’s important for me to stop when this happens and remind myself of where I was and how far I have already come. I will continue to get better at this whole living life thing, as long as I don’t get distracted by the negative thoughts that aren’t of the helpful variety.
This won’t go on forever. I need this focused practice to help me keep my pain management techniques in place as I try to extend the scope of my activities once more. Small activities at home are the foundation of my life and when the foundation isn’t strong, everything falls down.
I don’t think that I broke today because I have been managing things badly, I think that I broke because it’s time to start managing more. It’s time to change again, time to try and build the first layer onto this foundation of healthy food and pacing. It’s time to start adding creative and productive things back into the mix.
I’m not sure exactly how this will work. To be honest, I wasn’t even sure where this blog post was going. I started to write because I knew there was something I wasn’t seeing, I knew that I didn’t need to feel sad if I could just figure out what the issue was.
Boredom isn’t complicated, but I guess sometimes it needs to be acknowledged or it starts to say mean things like “you useless cripple!” and the insults can be hard to shake off.
I don’t think that I’ll wake up and cry again tomorrow. I think that I’ll wake up and start working on killing the boredom without killing all of my progress.
I’m glad I sat down and started to write today, it’s already helping.
Love & Pondering Realisations,