I’m am doing my darndest to keep my chin up, however my body has been beating me up a little lately!
I feel like I’m taking a rollercoaster, first was down, then up, then I went down again with a another flare mid-week, followed by a brief recovery before I put my hip out the day before yesterday. Stupid hip. It can be hard to keep my head on straight with things changing all the time.
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It’s partly my fault. I decided to stop taking Lyrica, on account of I’ve been on it far too long to truly know if it is making any difference or not. I know that an extra cap helps if I am having a burning flare, however I’m not convinced that I need to be on a regular daily dose.
I am stepping down the dosage by 25mg every three days, a tiny amount but they are necessary steps as Central Neural Sensitisation means that my body overreacts to just about everything. All of these flares are making it hard to tell if the lowered dose is at all an instigator; there have been alternative triggers for each one. Although the medication change is making me a little groggy and grumpy, I don’t think it is to blame for my pain.
In regards to having my hip out, I supposed that I can take solace in the fact that I have had a longer period of respite from this particular affliction than I had experienced in years. The little bugger just doesn’t seem to like its rightful place. I am learning to manage its rebellion using Feldenkrais, however this is a slow process and a few little poppy-outies are still to be expected.
They certainly don’t encourage my happiness though, not at all. I keep resting and doing (mostly imaginary) Feldenkrais movements to try and coax my back into its happier alignment, however this everyday task has been feeling draining and frustratingly slow. That’s not really a surprise, healing is frustratingly slow. I am still wavering between being able to accept that and enjoy the present regardless, and feeling grouchy and stilted.
Being in increased pain is a real mood dampener. I am able to recognise the useless anxious and depressive thoughts that attempt to permeate my mind, a skill that helps me to separate from them. The problem is that when the pain keeps pounding and pounding, there are more and more of these thoughts to need to let go of. I can spend hours on these days just trying to watch that my body doesn’t tip my mind over the edge.
I am trying to view the situation positively. Excess pain is a new challenge and new challenges lead to growth. I am increasing my ability to exist mindfully and be emotionally stable, powered by the pure need to do so. Developing this skill will help me for the rest of my life, however in the meantime, I can still get rather bored.
I go through the motions of distraction (books, TV, movies) and sometimes I’m successful, but it’s been harder than usual to enter the state of mental escape that provides the only vacation from physical pain that I currently know.
I’ll get better at coping, the medication will cease and desist its body upheaval, life will go on. This isn’t the first time I’ve gone through a stage of blah and it probably won’t be the last. I shall just keep at this coping thing, just keep trying to find ways to lower and escape from my pain and keep searching for ways to be happy, content and grateful again.
Love & A Little Blah,