Being Weak Is Boring

Dear Audy,

I am worn out and bored, but this state is entirely necessary. I have been trying to take better care of myself and that involves using more energy than I have been and any sort of step up in energy expenditure leads to increased pain and exhaustion. I freaking wish it didn’t..but I freaking wish a lot of things and I still haven’t managed to rub the right lamp and make those wishes worth something.

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I have babbled enough on the topic to have probably let you know by now that pacing a day is incredibly important to me surviving it. Push the proverbial envelope too far and I’ll end up screaming in agony. The natural inclination under such circumstances is to stay still, however CRPS just loves to up and spit in the face of natural inclinations. It’s all about opposite-world.

“What do you mean there’s nothing wrong with this leg? I’m pretty sure it’s mangled, I’m going to have your brain tell you that anyway, run along now. No, wait, don’t, I’m going to have your brain tell you that running is the Devil’s action. Your brain isn’t listening hard enough, I’m going to appropriate some of that mushy vacant real estate for more incoming pain stations.” – CRPS

Ain’t it a charmer?

This week, I’ve had my daily challenge broth spiced with a spoonful of absentee prince. The difficulty of living with a disability magnifies times a million when you take a primary carer out of the picture. All of a sudden, preparing dinner and looking after my puppy dogs becomes something that I need to do, not something that I can just try to do.

In the past, being left alone for more than a couple of days has resulted in a flaring mess of a me. I’m pretty happy with how things have gone this time, even if I am getting numb from the boredom.

I called in parental help at the start of the week to stock my kitchen with easy-to-make meals and for the first time in a long time, remembered that I need to rest in the afternoon if I am going to stand in the kitchen for any longer than five minutes. I also managed to plan energy for clean up duties, something that I usually leave for later and then I get hungry again and there’s mess in the way and everything is harder than it needs to be.

For four days in a row, a record, I managed to take the poochies for a little stroll after dinner. I’m proud of this, my body is so weak that I can barely handle a day and that is too weak. Sore or not, I need this exercise. Not to mention, the little furballs like this plan a lot.

The physical cost of cooking a very basic dinner each day and a 15-20 minute stroll? Pretty much, the rest of my time. Yes, the entire rest of the time that exists in a day and night needs to be spent resting, stretching, resting, doing Feldenkrais, resting and the odd nap if night time sleep has not been restful. I haven’t even had the energy to read a book or communicate with anyone.

Serious resting gets seriously boring, but my body is serious when it says that I really don’t have a choice. Disobey it and it has the power to strike me down, literally.

Hopefully I can find something fun to do this weekend. Fun and that doesn’t involve me driving more than five minutes away, driving is more than I can handle in this stage of my toughening up. I might not be able to move all that much, but I have been focusing so hard this week that I think I need a little good time break.

Love & Life,

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  • 4 thoughts on “Being Weak Is Boring

    1. Jeanne


      I’m sorry that you are going through such a rough time. You are smart to listen to your body when it demands rest. (I know how that goes… when an attempt is made to ignore the body’s order for rest… and it’s not pretty). Good for you too for taking the dogs for a walk when you could and for calling in parental help when needed. I’m sending positive thoughts and energy your way!


      1. Caf Post author

        Thanks, Jeanne! I am sorry that you have been having troubles lately too, hopefully February will bring some calm into both of our lives. I am getting frustrated with not being able to walk this week, I feel like I AM one of the dogs, I just want to go to the park!! Wup. xx

    2. Tracey

      I so wish for you a break from boredom and pain … if anyone deserves such a thing to come their way, it’s you! :)

      You are the best at making the best of any situation Hayley. I really want to see some more of your sewing projects come to life super soon!! 😀

      Take care.

      1. Caf Post author

        Thanks Tracey! I can’t wait to see how my Marie Antoinette dress turns out, thankfully my mum is helping me as I’d never get it done in time alone. I’ve gone all out and bought a corset, it is fun to wear, I might just start wearing it for the sake of it….hehe, fat belly hidey hole 😛

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