What an exciting weekend!! So far, I have spent the entire time on the couch. I feel like I have been in flare forever and a little like I’m start to lose touch with reality. I don’t exactly see that as a bad thing, reality is so painful and so very real. I have been dealing with full body burning for long enough that I think I have earned a break. I can’t take a physical break, so I’ve been mind vacationing in Beverly Hills with some physically healthy, if imaginary, young friends.
Flares can be really confusing. All of a sudden, I can’t do even the small tasks that get me through the day and rehab activities become too excessive when laid upon household chores. I gave hydrotherapy a go on Friday, I figured I was in so much pain anyway that it couldn’t hurt. That was stupid thinking, of course it could hurt. The actually movement felt good, however a few hours later the pain skyrocketed once more and I felt set further back than where I started. It’s been hard to handle this because, along with maintaining general health, improving CRPS through physical therapy is based on the idea that the body can desensitise to the pain of activity if we can find our physical limit and increase it ever so slightly. The trick is finding my pain limit, but not exceeding it. The catch is that I don’t know at the time of activity that I have exceeded the limit, I don’t know until the flare strikes later and then it’s ever so confusing to try and back track my movements to find the trigger. The second catch is that I have CRPS – there isn’t always a trigger, sometimes the pain just is.
I am so tired of being bored. I’m certain now that the mirtazapine is helpful for controlling my anxiety because I don’t feel irrational and angry about the pain…I’m just bored. I’m tired of the cycle, I’m tired of the pain spreading, I’m tired of fighting the negative thoughts (even though I’m still winning, mostly) and I’m tired of having no control over my life. Chronic pain exists in many forms at different levels, for me it is strong enough to incapacitate me to the point at which I can’t even stand to make toast. I have never known such a feeling of helplessness as not being able to care for myself within my own home. I’m tired of asking for help. There aren’t enough Zs in the alphabet for me to express just how tired I am.
Anyhoo, what am I going to do? There’s nothing to be done but Hope, Endure, Fight. HEF – a fitting acronym, considering putting up with CRPS is a Hell of a lot of Heffort (could not resist). I’m still trying to move. I’m not giving up on the pool, although I think I’ll arrange a driver next time, and I have been distracting my brain in one of the best ways I know how – TV show marathon.
There’s nothing I like quite so much as engrossing myself in a television world, vicariously partaking in the characters lives and filling up my brain with thoughts of their problems, rather that my own pain. TV show marathons are easy, light entertainment. You meet the characters and the world at the start, after that the brain really doesn’t have to do much to keep up and follow along. It’s easier to follow the new adventures of an old character than to be introduced to new ones. Kind of like it’s easier to read a book after the first couple of chapters, once the style and setting has been firmly established with the imagination’s eye.
I have spent these past couple of days in pain on the couch, however my mind has been wandering shamelessly around Beverly Hills with the second generation of 90210 brats. Sometimes I get a little sad, when my thoughts become a desire to move about freely like those people on the screen, however mostly it’s just a nice way to chew through the hours when neither my body nor brain care to function. 90210 shows me so many characters to relate to parts of, so many bright colours, so many pretty clothes. Annie’s dresses are sometimes awfully cute, but Adrianna’s preppy meets pretty style is my fave.
The sad news is that I’m out of 90210 and feel the need to do something else for a while. My options are limited, but I need to keep fighting, I need to try to get chores done even if it’s only a dish or two at a time. I need to keep my focus because this is the time when it’s hardest to, this down part of the pain cycle when everything feels compacted and exaggerated at the same time. I need to keep my head Audy, so that I can bounce back, or climb back – the verb isn’t important. What’s important is not losing my mind to the negative and keeping my focus on doing all that I can to get better.
Love & A Little Escape,